Welcome to 

Marni’s virtual

Celebration of Life

&

MEMORIAL

FOR SON DEREK JOHN FODERARO

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I was BLESSED and GRATEFUL

to have given our children life

and was able to raise them both from birth through their formative years.

So very THANKFUL to have had

our daughter TAYLOR in my life for 20 years

&

our son DEREK in my life for 33 years.

Sadly, two weeks after turning 33 years old, on January 18, 2025, our son Derek committed suicide. To see my virtual memorial with many photos of and texts from Derek, along with the truthful backstory for context, feel free to scroll down through this post-page:

“LOSING DEREK”

But FIRST you must read and agree to the

Terms and Conditions, Disclaimer and lawful notarized Affidavit of Facts.  

Not everyone has the strength to survive the abuse of

extreme PARENTAL ALIENATION.

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I, Derek’s mom Marni,

was completely excluded from any and all decisions, arrangements and services

by Derek’s dad Kerry

In fact, I wasn’t even notified the day Derek died, only Kerry was!

I have experienced

EXTREME PARENTAL ALIENATION

in life for the past 11 years with our daughter Taylor

and

now in death with our son Derek.

(UPDATE: on 3-5-2025, Ash Wednesday where Christians are reminded of our human mortality and the importance of reconciling with God, a work colleague contacted me, said she attended Kerry’s very small service on 2-11-2025 at St. Anne’s Chapel and sent me Kerry’s program and prayer card.)

(another UPDATE: on 3-7-2025 I spoke with the St. Anne priest, Father Trout, who presided over Derek’s mass. He said that Kerry told St. Annes that I knew about Derek’s service, but would not be coming in as I lived far away in the Virgin Islands. KERRY LIED TO ST. ANNES. I did not know about a service until my work collegue told me about it on 3-5-2025. )

(yet another UPDATE: on 3-9-2025, just found out that even though my brother lives a few towns over from St. Annes, Kerry did not even inform or invite Derek’s maternal Uncle and Aunt to his 2-11-2025 service, which means Kerry probably didn’t even let Derek’s maternal grandparents know of the service, even though they are all mentioned in the obituary Kerry wrote. This is not just Marital-Parental Alienation, it is Grandparent Alienation and Family Alienation)

(4th UPDATE: on March 10, 2025, I had a long, very positive conversation with Mary Ellen, the Director of Care Ministries at St. Anne Church in Barrington, Illinois. She met with Kerry regarding planning Derek’s service and confirmed what Father Trout said to me a few days ago on Friday: that Kerry told her I would NOT be attending because I live far away. This was an outright lie to a Christian Minister of the Church, as I was not even aware there was a February 11th service until last week on March 5th. She apologized about the unfortunate situation. It is beyond comprehension for most people to realize the extremes that severe alienators go to isolate and abuse their ex and family, as well as their own children (whether they are dead, like Derek or alive, like Taylor.) We discussed Derek’s isolation during his life (including from his sister, who has also been alienated from her mom for 11 years) and now Derek’s isolation in death as Kerry excluded friends, teammates, classmates, neighbors and even Derek’s maternal family from being informed, included or invited to pay their final respects. Hopefully our heartfelt and enlightening conversation will help another family in the future who face being purposely excluded from their loved one’s service.

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IMPORTANT NOTE TO THOSE READING MY PAGE:

“Losing Derek”

Must read & agree BEFORE continuing on

due to my ex-husband’s continued threats and law fare:

Disclaimer-Terms and Conditions:   Tuesday, February 11, 2025

For this website www.GodCameToMyGarageSale.com, and specifically for this post-page “Losing Derek,” the following copyrighted images, text, communications and memories are shared with love and in the spirit of honoring the life and legacy of Derek John Foderaro. These posts relay the truth and are intended to celebrate the cherished moments shared with Derek and to keep his memory alive in the hearts of family, friends and those who cared for him, while providing the necessary context and backstory for understanding Derek’s struggles that led to his death by apparent suicide. I say apparent because Nashville’s Detective Thompson told me that Derek’s death is an active and open investigation.

Limitation of Liability: By viewing or sharing this page, you agree to release Marni Hill Foderaro from any and all liability or legal action that my arise from the use of or misuse of this content.

I speak ONLY the truth, and have the documentation, witnesses and a notarized lawfully sworn affidavit of fact to support any statements. Our Creator, God, knows my heart and knows the truth.

The content contains images and information that some people may consider sensitive or find offensive or disturbing; read at your own risk. This is for informational, educational, entertainment and/or remembrance purposes only and not a substitute for professional, medical, psychological, psychiatric or legal advice, diagnosis or treatment. The author, Marni Hill Foderaro, is not an expert or a licensed professional and is not and will not be held liable for any resulting outcome or consequence. I, Marni Hill Foderaro, reserve the right to modify, add or remove any content at any time, with or without notice, at my sole discretion. The content and photos are original, copyrighted and created by, taken by or given to me, Marni Hill Foderaro, and belong to me as the copyrighted author, with the only exception of images that are posted publicly. What is shared is extremely personal and is meant solely for the purposes of honoring Derek and his experiences, as well as understanding the dynamics of Domestic Violence, Narcissistic Abuse, Parental Alienation and Intergenerational Family Trauma, all of which I have experienced firsthand as a severly targeted mother and adult child survivor, and I believe Derek has experienced. I have extensively researched and written 10 award-winning, prominently endorsed books on the subjects, in addition to appearing on numerous podcast interviews, speaking engagements and magazine article features. The personal and family struggles mentioned are to provide context for remembrance, healing and love. These memories and their backstories, while deeply meaningful to me and possibly to those who knew and loved Derek, are shared at the discretion of his loving mother, Marni Hill Foderaro, and with the utmost respect for Derek John Foderaro’s life and legacy. By reading on and viewing or sharing my website and this post-page, you acknowledge that this is a personal tribute to a deceased loved one with the related backstory and agree to approach it with the same respect and kindness that would be afforded to any other grieving individual.

The images, text and content shared are for personal remembrance purposes and are not to be used, reproduced, questioned or challenged in any way, especially if it could be harmful, exploitative or defamatory to myself, but more importantly to Derek. Any unauthorized reproduction, distribution or modification of the content is strictly prohibited and may result in legal action. Specifically, nobody, including Derek’s father or anyone directly or indirectly associated with him, has the permission to reproduce or use any of my images or content in any way.

I, Marni Hill Foderaro, reserve all rights to this entire website, including the “Losing Derek” post-page, and ask for privacy and understanding during this difficult time, and moving forward. I appreciate the support and compassion from all who read these posts. In order to respect the grieving process and personal boundaries, no direct or indirect contact will be entertained regarding this post-page or my website, including inquiries about the content or any personal matters. Please respect my need, as Derek’s mother, for peace and privacy. Thank you for respecting my wishes and my grief.

With love,

Marni (Derek’s mom)

February 11, 2025

Click on link to

see Memorial and hear

Derek’s Baseball Walk-On Song:

“SPIRIT IN THE SKY”

Click on link to

see Memorial and hear

Derek’s “Happy” Song:

“I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW”

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Due to

CONCERNS, CLARIFICATIONS & QUESTIONS

regarding Kerry Foderaro’s 1-23-2025 publicly-posted

OBITUARY

for our son

Derek John Foderaro  

I, Derek’s Mom, am addressing the

HONEST TRUTH

and the important backstory

from my perspective for context

Within this post-page, I, Marni Hill Foderaro, address important concerns, clarifications and questions regarding Kerry John Foderaro’s publicly posted obituary of Derek John Foderaro dated January 23, 2025. This statement is issued to ensure that the truth and context surrounding Derek’s life, death and circumstances are communicated, especially regarding the ongoing challenges of Parental Alienation, even in the wake of Derek’s tragic passing.

 Parental Alienation 

remains an ongoing concern that has affected  our family and it is important to share the truth and context behind Derek’s story.

As an “erased mother” our children’s father did not include me in any decisions, arrangements or services regarding the death of our son Derek. Kerry also did not inform, include or invite Derek’s maternal Uncle and Aunt or Grandparents either. With regards to Derek’s service, I am an “ERASED MOTHER.”

In my attempt to try to understand, accept and grieve the apparent suicide death of our son Derek, I am putting my thoughts down on the website post-page, virtual memorial “Losing Derek.” This is a process and will most likely take time. My reflections are from my perspective and I only speak the truth of fact. This is a work in progress

(ACTUALLY A LABOR OF A GRIEVING MOTHER’S TRUE LOVE)

with much more truthful information to be revealed, along with updated posts and many more photos of our beautiful son Derek, so please consider returning back at a later date to see the updates. Everything I post is from my point of view and based on my personal experience. I am grieving the recent physical loss of our son Derek and the ongoing alienation loss of our daughter Taylor. 

IF YOU ARE READING THIS, YOU MAY ALSO HAVE KNOWN DEREK AT SOME POINT IN YOUR LIFE.

I AM SORRY VERY FOR YOUR LOSS AS WELL. MAY YOU FIND COMFORT & PEACE.

Derek “went up to the spirit in the sky” & he “can see clearly now.”

This past Sunday, January 19, 2025 at 10:50 am Nashville time, I received a call from a homicide unit detective from the Nashville, Tennessee Criminal Investigations Division. Detective Thompson (who was NOT the first officer on the scene) informed me that our 33 year old son, Derek John Foderaro, was found dead the previous evening on Saturday, January 18, 2025 after Derek’s father called his Knolls apartment complex manager after 9 pm Saturday night to do a well-being check on Derek because Derek was not returning his father’s multiple calls. I was told that the apartment manager initially found Derek dead in an apparent hanging suicide, and then he called 911. The call log indicates that the 911 call came in at 9:59 pm and an officer arrived at Derek’s apartment and he was pronounced dead at 10:10 pm. Detective Thompson then told me that Derek’s father is “moving forward with arrangements” but is contacting me as a courtesy as I am also legally next of kin. ?!?!?! I called back Detective Thompson with clarifying questions three times on that Sunday and one time the next day Monday (as I was not called on Saturday, only Derek’s father was?!?!?!) I asked to speak with the first officer on the scene, and Detective Thompson said he would relay a message via email to him, but that “it was not in his job description and he was not legally required to respond to me.” I never found out the first responding officer’s name and he never called me. I asked if Derek’s sister, Taylor, was notified and he said “that is the parents’ responsibility.” I do not have Taylor’s contact information as she has been severely alienated from me by her dad for over 10 years since I filed for divorce in 2013. I was told Derek did not leave a note. I expressed worry that the officers take photos of the apartment before his father flew in to Nashville, because I was concerned about Derek’s dad entering his apartment (as he has copies of Derek’s keys) and possibly manipulating the scene by planting false “evidence.” The officer assured me that they followed standard procedure and took many photos, and that if Mr. Foderaro would do anything like that, that they would be fully aware. I spoke with the Knolls apartment manager at length who kindly provided me with details of the unusual specifics of how he found Derek when he entered Derek’s apartment that night. (I will not be relaying that information here as it is too graphic.) There was and still has been no direct or even indirect communication with me, Derek’s mom, from Kerry, Derek’s dad, about anything related to Derek’s death, specifically decisions needing to be made, arrangements and/or services. (update: even a month after his death!) We are both Derek’s parents, but Kerry has engaged in extreme Parental Alienation of our daughter for over a decade, has been unsuccessful with his attempts to alienate our son from me, but is now very deliberately cutting me out of this current situation. Derek called me in the morning on Saturday, January 18, 2025 (the same day that he apparently killed himself in the evening) and we spoke on the phone for 8 minutes. In no way did Derek seem suicidal, despite the emotion I could hear in his voice and despite being fired yet again from another job that didn’t work out, he was looking forward to his second interview for a tree climbing job. I did believe that his father’s Parental Alienation efforts were ramping up to dangerous levels. If I had in any way believed Derek was suicidal, I would have immediately called the police, not the apartment manager. Before Derek and I ended our call, we both said “I love you” to each other and that we would talk later. That was the last time I heard Derek’s voice.

Initially, when I returned Detective Thompson’s call on Sunday, not knowing the reason for the call, whether it was a car wreck, tree climbing accident or arrest…

I asked the detective: “Is Derek alive?” and he said, “No ma’am. He is not.”

A mother’s heart-wrenching shock and a phone call you never expect or can imagine receiving.

“Derek is dead? Are you sure?” 

The detective told me that his death appears to be from suicide by hanging, but that it is an active investigation.

Sadly, on-and-off, for many years Derek has used dangerous recreational, illegal drugs, as well as psychotropic mood-altering pharmaceutical medicines, and has made many bad choices in his adult life. In late December 2023 I spent a wonderful week with Derek on our Florida Christmas Holiday mother-son road trip (see further down for photos of the great time we had and how very healthy and happy Derek looked.) In the beginning of his January 2024 relocation to Nashville, Tennessee, Derek had NO pharma or street drugs altering his moods and appeared healthy, happy, optimistic, goal-oriented and full of life. Within a few months, however, things changed. Derek told me that although he appreciates my concern, support and love, that he choosing to follow his dad’s advice regarding any mental health treatments, because his dad supports, encourages, pays for and follows up with the doctors regarding Derek’s mental illness diagnosis and interventions, where my advice to be independent and live naturally, without pharma drugs and psych hospitalizations, is opposite. Derek’s father seemed to get super-involved in Derek’s emotional-medical demise over the years, and most likely presently, leading up to his death. This past November 2024, Derek chose to call his dad to fly in to Nashville, TN from Chicago, IL to the psych ward for his latest release from the hospital. Derek knew that I was not in support of these revolving door interventions, but he did call me to tell me that the hospital released him into his dad’s care and that they were back at his apartment…safe. “Safe” is a term that Derek said his dad would use to encourage him to stay isolated in his apartment, so nothing bad would happen to him or that Derek wouldn’t cause something bad to happen to others. Below are previous communications about Derek to me, my dad and brother, from Kerry from other years, with me suggesting Derek NOT go to the hospital, against his dad’s directive. Note, that these are the only direct communications to me from Kerry since I filed for divorce in 2013, other than what he relays through his criminal-divorce lawyer in his multiple law fare dealings he initiates against me over the years, legal suits that are still ongoing in 2025! Derek knew that his mom doesn’t support all these psych diagnoses/labels, hospitalizations or taking psychiatric/mood altering drugs, especially after my opinion of the perceived medical/psychological harm done to both children, especially Taylor, earlier in their lives, and also after Derek told me that four (4) doctors who recently evaluated Derek said they DON’T believe he has schizoaffective disorder, and that he should consider getting off these pharma drugs. Below blue text is from me to Derek:

The below green text is from me to Derek:

The below texts are from father to son. Derek gave me a copy of these when he was beginning to question his dad’s motives.

I was and have always been against our children taking all these pharmaceutical drugs. I tried so many times to warn Derek and give him information to read about it, but he said he wanted to follow his dad’s advice and not mine. Taylor wrongly believes that it was me, her mother, who pushed all these pharma drugs on her. It was NOT me Taylor! Please look through the numerous texts back and forth I had with Derek, and maybe you will see/read the truth.

Derek called his dad to come to Nashville in November 2024 during his last psych hospitalization.

After so much that Derek has gone through over so many years, and we communicated regularly so I knew what was going on with Derek for the most part, it is my opinion that Derek has NEVER wanted to end his life. How could this be that he apparently killed himself? Derek just called me yesterday morning 1-18-25 and although I figured his self-esteem was low because I believe and was concerned that the extreme Parental Alienation efforts from his father were ramping up to dangerous levels and in addition, he continues to experience job and money instability, as here he was interviewing for yet another tree climbing position, it wasn’t a new and overwhelming situation. Overall Derek’s demeanor was optimistic, and he was looking forward to his second interview with the Bartlett Tree company on Monday (which after his death I called and confirmed was true.) Derek was very happy to talk with me. We ended the call by telling each other “I love you” and said we would talk later. Because Detective Thompson told me that Derek’s father called the apartment manager for a well-being check on that same Saturday after 9 pm because Derek wasn’t returning his dad’s multiple calls, something must have transpired between my conversation with Derek in the morning where I did not in any way believe him to be suicidal to his apparently choosing to end his life that evening. That morning was the last time that I heard Derek’s beautiful voice.

Our son Derek was only 33 years old.

The “Master Mason Number” 33 is the same “high honour” number of the anti-Christian, Freemasonry Society, that according to the Scottish Rite, is the highest earned level of their ritualistic, elite, male fraternity, and is deeply symbolic. Their site is quick to break down the levels, up until the supreme council confirmation of the secret 33rd degree. This brotherhood appears publicly notable, however, it is publicly noted that there is a dark, secret-agent undercurrent to being in this prestigiously-ranked grand inspector general club. According to Tom C. McKenney, author of the book: 33 Degrees of Deception: An Expose of Freemasonry, “The shadow of death hovers over many of the rites and rituals of Freemasonry.” According to McKenney, this includes drinking wine from a human skull, taking death oaths and the unthinkable… executions of a father’s firstborn son, often at the age of 33.

Thankfully, the age of 33 is also positive and important in many spiritual and symbolic traditions, most notably Christianity, where it marks the age of Jesus Christ during his life, death and resurrection. It could also represent the trinity: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. The number 33 is a symbol of completion, of spiritual mastery and of enlightenment. It speaks to a journey that might not always be linear, but one that ultimately points to the fulfillment of a higher purpose.

Regarding Derek’s age at his death, 33 is a reminder to me of the sacredness of his path, even if we cannot fully understand it in this earthly life. It symbolizes that in some ways, Derek’s beautiful and loving soul has transcended beyond the physical realm, and his journey continues on now in a new form. This also symbolizes the completion of a life cycle, sacrifice and spiritual renewal. In numerology, the number 33 is often seen as the “master number,” which relates to selflessness, spiritual growth and compassion. This could respresent a calling to reflect on a higher purpose or connection to the Divine. I know for certain that Derek is connected to me, his mom who loves him unconditionally, and he has a deep connection to Jesus, God and the Divine.

Derek’s angel number 6, his birthday of January (1st month) and 5th (date he was born) 1+5=6 signify a message about finding balance, harmony and focusing on nurturing relationships, especially with family. Priority should be given to loved ones to create a supportive environment. With regards to the year Derek died, 2025, which adds up to 9 (2+0+2+5=9) this is relevent for Derek because it does represent endings at the same time embraces personal growth, indicating a time for reflection and positive change in your relationships. The angel number 6 is about harmony and balance and achieving equilibrium in your life, with a focus on healing past traumas within relationships and family dynamics. Seeing a single number 6 can be a reminder to be supportive by nurturing and providing service to others with compassion. Emphasis now should be on creating a comfortable and loving home environment for healing yourself from within and without. For me, these angel numbers give me meaningful validation about experiencing grief and rebirth after losing our son Derek.

Derek and I both got matching moon tattoos on the top of our right hands. This was during my early September 2015 rescue mission out to Bellevue in Washington State, the time Derek was in the most dire and deadly situations. (I detail the entire story in a chapter in my first book “God Came To My Garage Sale.”) Derek wanted me to stop and see a Rastafarian, drug aquaintance Scooby, who owned a tattoo shop in Preston, WA. I was afraid Derek had tattoos all over his body, but he assured me he didn’t even have one tattoo. He said we should both get matching tattoos. Derek wanted a moon tattoo because in his hard-drug-influenced mind (saw him shoot up Meth, take MDMA-ecstacy, LSD, MDA-Molly and smoke weed) he said that I would always tell him that I loved him to the moon and back. Actually, I never had said that to him growing up; another Fox River Grove-Victoria Woods mom and former, betraying friend used to say that to her two daughters all the time. I was going to wait until Derek turned 40 to tell him that I never said that to him, so he left this earth with the belief that it was our lifelong saying. Derek wanted our matching tattoos to be on our right hands, so that we could have a special handshake. I never wanted a tattoo, but this was an opportunity to save Derek’s life. I was able to find him, rescue him, get him on a plane to IL and straight to Lutheran General Hospital, and then on 9-16-2015 to the Gateway Rehab Center in Lake Villa. Getting these matching moon tattoos later turned out to be very significant in our relationship and communications. A few years after the permanent inking, there was one time where Derek facetimed me, didn’t say a word, but just held up his hand to show me his tattoo, and I knew right away to get on a plane to find him out west for what would be another one of many mom rescue missions.

I later on added two red hearts and both of our children’s intials to my tattoo.

Both mother and son went on to each get one other tattoo; his was big and mine was small. Derek chose to get Bob the Seagull in the sun over the ocean. When I knew that Rick Rashman was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my days with, I got a tattoo on the nape of my neck to surprise him. I designed it with R squared and a heart, and with the approval of a close friend from work, I showed it to Rick. He was thrilled and honored, even though he has no tattoos. We both went together as I made this permanent vow to him, since neither of us ever would want to exchange marital vows after what we have both been through with toxic exes and the un-just court system. I devoted a chapter to tattoos in my spiritual book, but have really expanded my views on tattoos after these life changing experiences.

I treasure this artwork gift for me, titled: “I LOVE MY MOM.” Note the three trees, with Mom close by & child in our backyard hammock! Both Derek and Taylor enjoyed playing outside in nature behind the house.

I have always and will always love Derek unconditionally. I truly believe that Jesus is taking great care of him and Derek’s beautiful spirit is at peace, is restored and is renewed in God’s AGAPE LOVE. 

The human arm that is around Derek’s neck in the above picture with our Heavenly Father’s son JESUS, is Pat Wire’s, Derek’s favorite baseball coach who was always so kind to him and was an amazing mentor and positive father figure. Coach Wire was the honored guest at the SURPRISE DEREK TREE party I gave Derek at the Midtown Tennis Club in Palatine, Illinois on November 16, 2016. I carefully planned this intimate gathering for Derek so he could be surrounded by those teammates and friends who cared for him, so that he would know he was loved. This was all about Derek and providing him support.

Click on link as Derek lets Coach Wire know he remembered many lessons from him:

There was a short time that Derek lived with me in my Forest Knoll Townhome in Palatine, Illinois. I had a special bedroom for him. In February of 2019 he had to have an emergency apendectomy, so luckily he had a quiet and comfortable place to recover:

As Derek’s loving mom who has just experienced the unthinkable loss of losing a child to suicide, I am supported and at peace, (well, as much as a grieving mother could be at peace) knowing that I did everything in my power to help Derek and gently guide him towards choosing a more healthy and positive life. My efforts were continually undermined by his dad, causing Derek great conflict. Ultimately, though, Derek’s choices were his to make. As much as I wanted to guide him and provide one opportunity after another to try and make it, I could not live his life for him.

Even through the good times and bad times, from when Derek was the kindest, most wonderful soul to when he disregarded and mistreated his own mom;

a mother’s love is to the moon and back.

“And ye shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.”

John 8:32

I know in my heart that because of my many, many solo Rescue Missions; solo meaning only his mom flying out and finding Derek and bringing him back for help from the brink of death in most cases, because of his drug addictions while he was coping with being a victim of sexual violence –which I didn’t know at the time, but do now that his being molested has come to light by Derek’s own admission– probable narcissistic abuse and Parental Alienation, that Derek’s life on earth was greatly extended by many years, so he would be able to have more experiences with the hopes of embracing a future of possibilities and overcoming his many abuses and challenges.

“But, as it is written, What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him.”

1 Corinthians 2:9

The date of Derek’s untimely and premature passing, Saturday, January 18, 2025, when numerologically reduced (1+1+8+2+0+2+5=19), brings us to the number 19. This number often signifies completion and the beginning of a new cycle. It is a reminder to me that while Derek has completed his earthly journey, his spirit and soul are now part of a larger, cosmic narrative. The transition of death is never just an end, but also a new beginning, and the number 19 symbolizes that transformation.

I am hopeful and believe in my heart and soul that Derek will now be free to heal his wounded heart, mind and body. I seek solace in the love and light that is now surrounding him, remembering that Derek was never truly alone. God has been with him every step of the way. When I look towards the skies, outer space or up to Heaven, I envision that he is immersed in pure love and light, and is having a wonderful and wild adventure.

Hopefully in Heaven Derek is jumping for joy, just like when he was a kid, bouncing as Batman or doing backflips! Click on the below (2) blue links:

BouncingBatman

DereksBackflip

This journey of “Losing My Derek” is a difficult one for me, and is heartwrenching as his mom on so many levels. Add this loss to the fact that I have already experienced a loss of our other child, our daughter Taylor. Because of extreme Parental Alienation, which is often referred to as the death of your living child, Taylor has not been in my life for 11 years. Part of understanding this abuse includes looking into your own foundational patterns and family dynamics. I realized for my own well-being I had to step away from my own dad and brother and their wives because these relationships were not healthy and causing me a great deal of anguish. I had already experienced a severe Smear Campaign, so friends (including a betraying “best” childhood friend), neighbors and people from church were no longer there as a support. Extreme Alienators make sure their targets are isolated, whether they are the ex, like me, who escaped the Intimate Partner Violence or their own children, who are often not able to escape the abuse. Derek wasn’t able to, and is now dead. I am greatly concerned for Taylor’s safety and pray for her awakening and independence.

Our son’s passing is also an opportunity for myself and others to grow in understanding, spiritual awareness and God’s love. I have already received many after-death signs and communications from Derek since his passing and have been presented with healing messages that have shed light on some very significant experiences, realities and revelations for me to contemplate and process. God works in very mysterious ways. As time will continue to move forward, I trust that the love I shared with our beautiful son Derek continues to exist in the eternal now, in the form of his energy from a higher dimension, his essence and pure love. When Derek was alive, and even now as he has transitioned, I feel that I am tremendously loved by Derek, and that our mother-son bond is eternal.

I will always remember the amazing day and time that Derek was born: Sunday, January 5, 1992 at 10:38 a.m. The morning started out with what seemed to me to be my water bag breaking while I was going to the bathroom, but I wasn’t quite sure. I really should have prepared myself to understand the rupturing of the amniotic sac that surrounds the fetus that was happening before going into labor. I called out and asked my husband to come over quick to see if that was what just happened, but instead he stayed in bed and whipped the “What to expect when you’re expecting” baby book across the bedroom and into the bathroom, which actually hit my head, and said, “Look it up.” Some wives would have filed for divorce then and there, but not me, I stayed another 27 years! Shocked by this bizarre, blunt and relatively mean response to my sincere request for help and information, I just brushed off my confusion that this unbelievable encounter with Kerry really happened, and turned my thoughts to Derek because I was so excited to have our baby boy. I wanted us to leave for the hospital right away because it was a long drive and frankly, I was a bit nervous about the delivery since I had broken ribs and my pregnancy was deemed “high risk” in the third trimester.  I already had my hospital bag packed for the past week, but my husband insisted on me taking a series of photos, not of pregnant me, but of himself !?!?!? posing leisurely in front of our grandfather clock in the entry hallway, with him pointing his finger at the time. Not sure where those photos are now, but below is a photo from the morning Derek’s sister Taylor was born, where Derek’s dad recreated the same (leaving for the hospital to have a baby) grandfather clock moment. I’ve read that pendulum grandfather clocks were more than simply utilitarian timekeepers, but because of their high cost, were seen as status symbols that expressed wealth and culture. My ex Kerry grew up near the south side of Chicago in Cicero, IL and was always striving to appear wealthy and affluent. I remember him telling me that he planned he was going to marry a girl from the North Shore, and with me being from Lake Forest, I was a good match for his requirement.

We drove from Buffalo Grove to Evanston Hospital and I was prepped for delivery. However, it turned out that Derek was breech, and the doctor asked if I wanted to deliver vaginally or by C-Section. I had no clue, and really didn’t know much about C-Sections as I missed that expecting mother’s class that would have explained what that was all about. My response was to ask the doctor which method would be the safest for the baby. He said C-Section, so that’s what was going to happen. Because of my sheer ignorance, which was clearly my fault for not researching, I had no idea that I had to have an epideral shot in my lower back spine area. That did not go so well. After several painful tries, the shot finally worked and began to take effect. That was not a good experience for me, but I tried to remember that soon I would give birth to our first child, our son Derek John Foderaro, and everything would be okay.

I was pretty much drugged up by the time for the C-Section surgery to begin. All of a sudden I realized that a medical intern was going to be “training” on me about how to do this surgery. My husband watched intently as the intern tried, but was unable to lift Derek out of my cut abdomen. My main oby-gyn had to show him the correct way to do it. I was just oblivious to it all. When Derek came out, the nurses conducted the newborn Apgar test before handing him to me. We had a beautiful, happy and healthy baby boy!

Derek John Foderaro was born at 10:38 am, weighed 6 lbs. 13 oz. and was 19″ long on Sunday, January 5, 1992.

My childhood and long time best friend at the time showed up after Derek was born. We are no longer close, speaking or even in contact after I recently chose to quietly step back from our relationship, not just because our values do not and have never aligned, but because I couldn’t unlearn what I learned about her underhanded gaslighting, betrayal and backstabbing of me that she did in the past (among other things,) and presently her key role in sabotaging my relationship with our daughter, which significantly contributed to our daughter’s alienation of her loving mom; without any formal conversation or closure, I never heard from her, or our small “greek food diner’s club” group of MY choir high school friends ever since. I also learned that those friendships were surface and not sincere either. That told me everything I needed to know about my former, childhood, best friend’s guilt. I discuss how empathetic people, such as myself, can go on for decades in unhealthy, trauma-bonded relationships in my pink “True Deceit False Love” book on Setting Healthy Boundaries-BEST FRIEND BETRAYAL. This former childhood, best friend is both our son’s and daughter’s Godmother, a role I wanted her to have as she has chosen not to have children of her own. (In fact, when Taylor was born, she was also there in the hospital room as I was giving birth, and because I knew she chose never to have children and wouldn’t have the opportunity to be the first to hold a newborn baby, I generously offered to let her be the first to hold Taylor. That scenario was negatively spun later on, where Taylor was falsely told that I didn’t really love her or even wanted to hold her after giving birth!) This former best childhood friend lived close to the Evanston Hospital where I gave birth to Derek, and showed up with her video camera (since we did not have one at the time) and went off with my husband, telling me that they were going to “recreate” the events leading up to Derek’s birth: driving to the hospital, sitting in the waiting room, having the surgery and then to shoot the final birth scene. It seemed strange to me, but I never really spoke up; besides I was busy recovering and learning how to be a new mom. It was like both my husband and best friend wanted to make a documentary of the day’s events more than they wanted to be present and spend time with me or our baby Derek, my “Sweety Der.” Funny, I never saw this video?!?!

My husband and “best friend” were gone for hours. When they finally returned, they explained that the reason they were so late was that Derek’s dad wanted to purchase every newspaper and magazine that was published or on the stands from the day Derek was born: January 5, 1992. OK, well that made sense then, because they did come into the hospital room carrying two bags of that day’s newspapers and magazines. (The same disappearing act happened after Taylor’s birth as well.) Back in 1992, mothers who delivered their babies by C-Section were allowed to stay five days in the hospital. I had a lot to learn about breastfeeding and met each day with a special lactation consultant to help Derek learn how to “latch on” with my wonder-woman cups. I also had to heal from my huge and very painful incision. I often wondered where my husband ran off to when I needed him; he was MIA a great deal of the time, but he had always told me how demanding his job was and that there were late night meetings and school activities going on all the time. I understood, supported and admired him for being so dedicated to his employment. I was alone with Derek a lot in those post-birth days, but still felt well-taken care of by the nurses at the hospital. I soaked up and appreciated all the attention I received, as I wasn’t used to being catered to. Giving birth to our first child, our perfect son, was the most exciting experience ever. I knew that my life would be forever changed for the better and I couldn’t have been happier.

Welcome to the world baby Derek John Foderaro. I love you soooo much!

Both Derek and and his younger sister Taylor had the same nursery decor, with a beautiful, canopy iron and porcelain crib and furniture, all with the Beatrix Potter Peter Rabbit theme. Back then I was into creating needlepoint, cross stitch and embroidery, so I hand made the quilt on the wall. Of course, this was packed away in Taylor’s hope chest, however, I’m quite certain that special items from me have been discarded by our children’s father in the beginning of Parental Alienation, to erase evidence of the love I have for our children. At least with this post, our daughter can be able to see how much I lovingly did for her. Taylor, your mom loves you so very much!

Just like I was absolutely amazed by Derek’s birth, Derek had the opportunity to witness a birth (and see me give mouth-to-mouth and CPR) of a newborn kitten we found in the pink playhouse in our corner backyard, right next to the Lum’s family house, who Derek named “Miracle.”  Derek loved that baby kitten, along with our cats who were all part of our family: Maxie, Lucky, Midnight, Lollipop, Magic and Ellie. Actually, at the end of our tabby cat Max’s long life, before we left for school, we set her up very comfortably in our dark master closet so she could transition peacefully. When Derek came home from school, he was the one who found Max had passed and went on to Kitty Heaven.

I always thought Taylor would love that little pink playhouse where that baby Miracle kitten was born, but she really didn’t for some odd reason. She did climb on top of it one day and let me take photos of her. I really believed I would live at 1148 Victoria Drive in Fox River Grove, IL the rest of my days, and also thought that maybe one day our grandchildren would enjoy this playhouse, which I stocked with some fun children’s toys. The pink playhouse was on one corner of the backyard next to the Lum family, and our hot tub and spa house was on the other corner of the backyard next to my friend Rebecca and her dog Roxy, however, a possible drug dealing, gold digger and her young son moved into that home afterwards. The pink playhouse was, however, the miracle location for the birth of baby kitten “Miracle.”

Derek’s 33rd birthday was January 5th, 2025 and he had previously told me that he was going to open the birthday box I mailed to him on his actual birthday. This is one of countless “Mom-Cares” boxes I have mailed Derek to various apartments in various states. This last one was filled with my usual “Mom-Cares” surprises: mostly hiking gear, inspirational books, affirmation-filled artwork and of course healthy snacks; I was always encouraging Derek about healthy nutrition. I’m a big supporter of eating your vegetables. So much so, that I wrote a book for our children, entitled: “Mama’s Peas.”

I have always been respectful of Derek’s relationship with his dad. I do not alienate. I firmly believe that children should be free to love BOTH parents. In fact, I have regularly reached out to Derek over the many years to remind him of his dad’s and his grandparents’ birthdays on BOTH sides. Early on I even bought birthday, Christmas and Father’s Day cards and gifts for Derek to give to his dad and grandparents.

I am a mother who loves both of her children unconditionally and would never alienate them from their father, as I believe children need to have BOTH parents in their lives. They also need to know the truth so that they can make decisions for themselves regarding their own self-preservation. Last month, in the beginning of January 2025, I was honored as a “Healing Advocate” and featured on the cover of Forbes Celebrity magazine with an article bringing awareness to Domestic Violence, Narcissistic Abuse, Intergenerational Family Trauma and Parental Alienation.

As a “Healing Advocate” I believe in handling adversity, betrayal and loss with honesty, compassion, forgiveness, goodness, integrity and God’s love. That doesn’t mean that we continue along when things become unhealthy or toxic. As painful as it is for an awakened soul or truth-teller to set boundaries, sometimes you have to let go of relationships, even with close family and friends, because staying in those relationships can be causing you more harm than good. 

I continue to pray that our daughter Taylor will remember the positive relationship she had with her brother Derek and that we, as mother-daughter, shared until I chose to escape my 27-year marriage when she was 20 years old. There is still hope for our daughter to acknowledge the truth and awaken, but the reality is that research on severely alienated children who continue to be alienated as adults, rarely have the insight or ability to see what’s going on, walk away from the abusive parent they are aligned with (along with the enormous regime of supporters, who contribute to the alienation) and return to their loving parent who they have unjustifiably rejected for so many years. Unfortunately, Taylor has been lied to and significantly alienated like those who get enmeshed with and abused in a cult. The isolation, coercive control and alienation continues to this day 11 years later, and is reinforced now with her brother Derek’s passing. Taylor’s father did not even inform, include or invite her mother or maternal uncle, aunt or grandparents to Derek’s service.

Actually, this last “Mom Cares” birthday package I sent Derek also included some special “KERRY” wool hiking socks (Kerry is his dad’s first name) and a special “SISTER” 4-leaf clover and name plaque from my recent trip to Ireland, where my life partner Rick and I drove Ireland’s Ring of Kerry. I told Derek that he could either keep these gifts for himself, or give them to his dad and sister.

I hope our daughter opens her eyes and uses her own critical thinking to see the truth and understand what abusive Parental Alienation is. People can be told, but it’s not until they come to their own conclusions that the lightbulb goes on and illuminates the need to reflect and possibly make some changes in their life. If Taylor wants to be more independent and free to live her life without all this control, stress and drama, she may have to make some serious decisions and changes regarding her present relationships. It breaks my heart that Taylor and her brother were kept away from each other, especially now that Derek is gone. He loved and missed his sister so much. Below is a text I wrote to Derek to let him know that deep down Taylor knows the truth and of our love for her.

Early on in the Alienation of Taylor from me, and her brother, I did everything I could to reach out to her: cards, texts, calls and video messages like this one:

I love and miss our daughter, Derek’s sister Taylor, so very much. We had a great relationship until I filed for divorce from her dad after 27 years of marriage. Taylor has been extremely mean to her mom and treated me poorly since the over the decade she’s been alienated from me, including making complete false claims and filing/being granted a baseless 2-year restraining order, delivered to me by the Palatine, Illinois police on January 30, 2019 (she was living in Maine) against her own loving mom based on lies (costing me over $10,000 which was very hard to come by, let alone the emotional pain and suffering and restriction of my God given freedoms, damaging my permanent record.) I believe she was guided, taken advantage of and used by her dad to do this in his continued revenge against me for leaving him. It could be retaliation, because I was granted a temporary order of protection against Kerry, which stopped his constant abuse of me for a short while. The order was not renewed though. When I went back to the Rolling Meadows courthouse with a Domestic Violence Advocate, the judge (who winked at Kerry’s criminal-divorce lawyer when they walked in, signaling to me that any decision was already made, as unjust as it may be, and it was in Kerry’s favor) refused to even watch the video evidence I brought showing Kerry’s continued stalking of me. Silver Bullet law fare and perjury in family court should never be allowed. However, our daughter Taylor is really an innocent victim of the Intimate Partner Violence inflicted on me by her dad in his many failed attempts to destroy me in any way he could. She should not be held accountable for this silver bullet law fare, even though she is technically an adult, she was brainwashed and was loyally following the cult-of-one.

I believe that Derek’s sister Taylor, along with Derek too, have both been victims of SEVERE Parental Alienation. Children who have endured coercive control and this type of extreme CHILD ABUSE should not be blamed for the awful things they did or said to their loving parent. It is not their fault as they experienced Stockholm Syndrome and Independent Thinker Phenomenon, where they eventually are brainwashed to believe that it is THEIR idea and choice to reject, demean and abuse the targeted parent who loves them unconditionally. Alienated kids are in survival mode and truly believe that the Pathogenic Parent is trying to protect them from harm.

Reconnecting with Taylor and having her realize the truth of what happened is possible, but most likely not probable. She would have to come to conclusions on her own accord. Even with all my experience and research, my lightbulb about my own alienation from my father against my mother didn’t fully illuminate until my 60’s. Taylor’s abuse is so severe and she has been trauma-bonded at a level that is off the charts. She has numerous gatekeepers around her and for too many years has created an army against her mom. Plus when she really realizes the damage her actions caused, she would most likely feel tremendous guilt and shame for how she treated her loving mom. I try to remain hopeful, but research on the number of cases of successfully reuniting extremely alienated adult children with their targeted parent are rare. So much damage has been done. Of course, any efforts regarding reuniting would have to be handled very carefully with an expert in cult deprogramming and extreme Parental Alienation needed for adult children who are severely brainwashed by a covert, pathogenic and disturbed parent. Even though the love is and was always there, trust would need to be slowly re-established and it would be a challenging process. Because I would need to look out for my own physical and emotional safety and well-being, it may be impossible to reconnect with Taylor as long as she is enmeshed with her dad or any of the family/friends/neighbors who betrayed me at such a deep and lasting level. The reconnection between our daughter and her loving mom, however, would be so worth it though for healing all around, plus for Taylor to finally be able to live a more authentic, less-controlled, truthful existence. Victims of this extreme form of Child Abuse often live in fear, and understandably so. Parents who alienate their children from their other loving parent, can be very DANGEROUS and extreme Parental Alienation can be deadly. I am concerned for her safety even more now.

Actually, as a result of Derek’s passing and so many truths that are slowly being exposed, it’s my belief that now Derek’s sister’s life is actually in more danger now than it was before. The narcissist’s false narrative and lies are unraveling, and desperate people do desperate things to silence the truth from rising for all to see. Turns out that Kerry had a private family service for Derek, even without me, the closest family member to him, as I carried Derek in my womb for nine months and gave birth to him.) In addition to Kerry not informing, including and inviting me to Derek’s February 11th service (I learned about it on March 5th) he did not inform, include or invite any extended members from Derek’s maternal side of the family. Kerry isolated Derek in life, and now in death, as he also did not inform, include or invite any of Derek’s neighbors, Barrington High School classmates, baseball teammates-coaches and/or St. Anne church/school families. If he did, they would probably wonder why Derek’s mother and her side of the family were not there at the service. It would be interesting to hear what Kerry’s reason for my absence would be. I’m sure my close bond and regular communication with Derek would be something that Kerry would want to keep hidden from others. Kerry would also not want anyone to look me up and come across my website or 10 award-winning books, to see not only my credibility and accomplishments, but my messages regarding living a beautiful and happy life, despite being an abuse survivor, along with the real backstory of Derek’s apparent suicide. 

I love our daughter the same as I did when her father’s alienation of me, supported by his loyal regime of Flying Monkey neighbors, friends and family, was solidified. The regime also includes the misguided and misinformed friends and co-workers who Taylor has chosen to surround herself with. It’s very hard for goodness to compete with pure evil.

My heart aches for Taylor, because I know that learning these facts about her brother and father are gamechangers shattering the reality of the false narrative that she’s believed for a decade, and now she has to navigate how she’s going to choose to reconcile this trauma. I have faith that Taylor is a very smart and capable young woman who can rise above, despite the challenges of what I believe includes being an unknowing victim of an pathogenic, psychopathic, vindictive parent. Hopefully she will begin to critically think, and maybe check out my website and all I have done to shed light on this darkness. Only she can do this for herself though, and only if she really has the interest or energy. Not everyone is a truth seeker and truth teller.

Also, I have been assured by Derek’s after death communications, that he will be guiding and supporting his sister Taylor energetically from a Divine dimension. Some say that this is the time of disclosure, where the truth will rise above lies. Thankfully, we are beginning to currently see the start of justice on a national and global scale. The once very close siblings, Derek and Taylor, I believe, were intentionally kept apart for years on this earth, but nothing can stop their spiritual connection now. I will send healing thoughts from my soul to Taylor’s soul, so that she can garner the strength to face this head on. She can do it. God, and now Derek, are on her side. LOVE WINS in the long run, even if it’s when we leave this earthly plane!

Taylor may still choose NOT to reconnect with her mom, and as hard as that would be, it is totally understandable after everything she’s been through. Taylor most likely is so deeply entrenched in the lies, that it could be that she is at a point of no return. God knows that I have done everything in my power to help her critically think and open her eyes from afar. Now, it’s in God’s hands. Taylor needs to do what she thinks is best for her and in her own time, and that may not include ever having her loving mom in her life ever again. I hope that isn’t the case, but it may be. Although, if she reads the truths in this post “Losing Derek” she may begin to question the false narrative she’s been told and believed for the past decade. I would still feel sad if she chose to continue to align with her father, but would be accepting of her decision. My newly found wonderful and peaceful life with Rick in the Caribbean would still be fine because I know that I have done everything I possibly could to reach out to her and bring awareness to what has happened to our relationship, and with her relationship with her brother Derek. Also, the final orange book in my 8-book series and was written specifically for our children. 

“True Deceit False Love“

“TRUE LOVE:

Parental Alienation cannot erase

the many memorable moments of a Mother’s

TRUE LOVE For Her Children.“

I know Derek was able to read through the memories and look at the collages to bring back thoughts of the fun times we shared together. Hopefully Taylor ordered a copy of this orange memory book for herself. (orange was my mom’s favorite color.)

I am a truth teller and a strong survivor who believes in honesty and goodness. I know my intentions are true and are guided by God’s love. Sometimes, we need to let go of what we can’t control and trust God and the universe. If Taylor would someday want her mom back in her life, it would be a process, as so much trust has been compromised, however, she would be welcomed back into my life with open, loving arms. “Loving Arms” is the name of the duet song I sang on stage 11 times over a 30 year period with singer-songwriter Livingston Taylor (yes, James Taylor’s brother) who I met at Illinois State University in the early 80’s when I was earning my bachelors degree in Special Education.

In fact, the first performance I did with Liv was at Lake Forest College when I was pregnant with Derek! 

Livingston had just written his song and children’s book, “Can I Be Good” and he signed the book to Derek. Derek was always a very good person and Liv thanked him for being good!

Derek loved music and playing the guitar. One of is favorite songs to play was the Kingston Trio’s “Tom Dooley.” Like Derek’s baseball walk-on song, the lyrics were somewhat morbid, but that was what he was drawn to; plus it mentioned hanging from a white oak tree in some lonesome valley in Tennessee. “Hang down your head, Tom Dooley, Hang down your head and cry, Hang down your head Tom Dooley, Poor boy, your’e bound to die.” Thankful that when Derek did apparently choose to leave this life, he didn’t take anyone else out with him, unlike Tom Dooley, who met a girl on a mountain and stabbed her with his knife. Click on the blue link below for a quick Tom Dooley video:

https://youtu.be/L56Rsq6iRB8?si=xdBpB9__jJkDxnEq

The other guitar song that Derek loved was the Beatles “Blackbird.” At least this was a bit more hopeful, with the blackbird singing in the dead of night, taking these broken wings and learning to fly….into the light of the dark black night. All your life. You were only waiting for this moment to arise.” The blue link below is the beautiful 38-second “Blackbird” clip I sent to Derek:

https://youtube.com/shorts/_-gFbJj3Qys?si=6pItdOI0Przh-oVH

(Update: 3-21-2025: which is the International Day of Forests or World Forestry Day to celebrated trees; I’m celebrating DEREK TREE every day and miss our son so much. Related to one of Derek’s favorite songs, “Blackbird,” I remember so many times when Derek would call me just to have me listen to how he’s progressed in playing his guitar on this song. It’s been close to two months after Derek’s suicide, as the following version of “Blackbird” popped up on my YouTube feed:)

https://youtu.be/ss8R8o5XG-A?si=48Enmn3fdzRkeg3T

I challenged Derek (and a neighbor friend Tommy) to learn the guitar intro to Heart’s “Crazy On You,” and if they could do it perfectly, I would give them each $1,000. I guess that big reward wasn’t motivation enough.

The blue link below is the intro if you don’t know it. Would you have learned it?:

https://youtube.com/shorts/mTTGNzp3Ngk?si=Z5Kit4bpoJl2Qeoe

I wasn’t a big believer in giving our kids allowance, especially since my efforts to have our kids clean their rooms, make their beds and pick up their toys were always sabbotaged and undermined by their dad who did not feel they needed these basic responsibilities. So, I thought of something else for Derek. I would give Derek $5 if he could name the artist (not song title) of a song of my choosing. Of course, I wanted him to learn MY music and favorite musicians (James Taylor, Earth Wind and Fire, Elton John, Jackson 5, Steely Dan, Seals and Crofts, Michael McDonald, Kenny Loggins, Carly Simon, Dan Fogelberg, Billy Joel, Crosby Stills & Nash, you get the line up.) So when the song would come on, I would hold up my hand, which meant “five” and if Derek guessed the artist correctly, he would immediatly be given a $5 bill. We even played this game up until the week before he died. Two times when he was in Nashville, I mailed him a $5 bill for his correct answer. One memorable day with this game happened when I was driving Derek and his neighbor/baseball teammate friend Christopher to Barrington High School one morning. I had the cash and so decided to play the game all the way to school. I had various songs on cds, so I could pick them. We played four rounds-four songs. Each time it was Christopher, not Derek, who was able to name each musical artist. So when we got up to the Barrington Bronco statue in the drop off cul-de-sac, I handed his friend a $20 bill. Both boys were shocked! Chris didn’t expect me to give him the money, and Derek didn’t think it was fair to extend this deal to anyone but him, as it was our special mother-son game. We all were smiling ear-to-ear. I will always remember that fun ride to BHS.

Speaking of guitar, a work colleague of mine whose son also plays guitar, actually took the initiative to write Derek a Christmas 2016 email. This is what she said:

Derek, Taylor and I loved singing in the car. Two big favorite songs we all loved to sing in the car on the way to school or baseball/soccer practices were James Taylor’s “Line ’em up” and Bruno Mars’s “Grenade” as we did exaggerated arm motions to express each word. Of course, there were always the Disney movie theme songs! We had so much fun in the car! We did this even up to Taylor’s 20th birthday!

Derek and I took piano lessons together for a year or so. Below is us at our only piano recital at the Barrington Library. We had a very cool music room in our home and one year Kerry bought me a baby grand piano for one of our wedding anniversaries. After the divorce, I learned it was purchased on credit and the bills weren’t being paid, so I was left with that expense. I had to sell the piano at a huge loss. Derek loved our piano lessons, until he was rewarded by his dad for throwing a fit when the piano teacher would show up, sabatoging our fun mother-son musical learning experience.

When Derek returned to my Palatine townhome to recover from his emergency apendectomy surgery, I made a card for him to open each day and have a loving message to inspire him. When both Derek and Taylor were younger, they both had surgery to remove their tonsils and adenoids. For their recovery, in addition to creating a cozy, comfortable and relaxing recovery space in our family room (where they used a bell to call for me instead of trying to use their voice, as their throats were sore) I had a laundry basket set up with wrapped gifts. To give them something fun to look forward to, each morning they could choose one present to open. It was always a book, toy or art project that they could occupy themselves with for the day, and to get their mind off of any discomfort from the surgery.

Derek’s birthstone is dark red garnet and Taylor’s birthstone is light purple amethyst. I had a fun purple bag that we kept in our downstairs hall closet and it was filled with little toys and trinkets. When the kids had their friends and neighbors over to play, to make the transition easier when it was time to say good-bye, Derek and Taylor would walk our friends to the front door and that is when BOTH the guests and our children got to pick a special prize from the purple bag. That little routine saved us from many parting tears and tantrums. Taylor, remember our purple bag?

You kids were just soooo cute!

Even though I feel my ex just can’t seem to move on and let me go, and continually and obsessively targets me with never-ending law fare and ongoing extreme Parental Alienation, I believe that this abuse has been extended to the siblings. Derek shared with me that he thought that their father was purposely keeping him away from his sister for many years. However, maybe it is actually the other way around? Maybe the same reasons his dad gave Derek as to why he wouldn’t give him her contact information, could very well be used both ways, where Taylor might be the one who really wanted to reach out to Derek, and was given similar excuses to keep them apart. Who knows? Derek and Taylor were super-close growing up.

For many years Derek and Taylor have not been in contact, purposely isolated and kept apart. They were so very close, even up until 2013, right before I filed for divorce to escape my Domestic Abuse after 27 years of marriage. There might have been too many secrets Kerry needed to hide so the kids might have been kept away from each other so they wouldn’t talk or compare notes. As a result of Sibling Alienation, Derek’s sister most likely never got to say her final goodbye to the brother who loved her with all his heart. I experienced alienation of my estranged brother Jay who unexpectedly passed away from suicide at the age of 41 (also by hanging), and I did not get to say goodbye to him. When I went with my dad and younger brother to attend my brother’s memorial service in Minnesota, their wives and my husband-Derek & Taylor’s dad- did not even bother to go to support their spouses, let alone pay their respects to my brother Jay or offer in-person condolences to his wife Kimmy. (Update: it’s been over a month since Derek’s passing and I haven’t heard anything from my own family. Maybe they are not even aware of Derek’s passing; I would think they would have heard if they were in regular contact with Derek or if Kerry invited them to the “family” service he had. For my own well-being I felt I had to step away from my dad, brother and their wives a few years ago. My own dad never came to my college graduation ceremonies and did not even attend my wedding to give me away-my brother did, which now doesn’t make sense!) I also believe that my brother Jay may have been sexually abused earlier in his life, as he also, like Derek, had many of the commonly reported signs. Actually, my other brother may have also had this same trauma. When our dad had our mom involuntarily committed into a psych ward, one of many times, he sent me off for the summer to Florida to stay with my maternal grandparents, he sent my brother Jay off to North Carolina to stay with my mom’s sister and family and he sent my brother Judd off to FOSTER CARE?!? This was during the 6-year period when our family was living at the Lake Forest College family circle professor housing. When I talked with my dad about this time, he also said to me “You can’t blame me for having affairs, your mother was so very sick.” I knew then that my values did NOT align with my father’s.  It is coming out now about the sexual abuse and trafficking that has gone on for years in the foster care system. Maybe that can explain why my brother seems so angry, confrontational and narcissistic, and chose not to have children of his own, which his wife went along with, even though I believe she did want to have a family and would’ve made a wonderful mom. Significant trauma can alter a person in ways we may never truly understand. It is highly significant that an alienating patriarch of the family (my dad) would lose BOTH a son and a grandson to suicide by hanging; of course this might just be a coincidence.

When my brother Jay passed away, at his service, I was given a prayer shawl handmade by the kind women of the church prayer shawl ministry associated with the Cavanaugh-McNearney Funeral Home in Shakopee, Minnesota, which meant so much and that I still wear today when I think of my late brother and some of the struggles he faced. After learning of Derek’s passing, one of the first things I did was designate a special shawl I had as a “prayer shawl” so I can wrap it around me and imagine our son Derek’s embrace. I actually have a never-used, actual prayer shawl make with love by a church crochet group back from Illinois, when I was first learning about Parental Alienation and went to a Meetup group at Faith Lutheran Church in Arlington Heights, Illinois. I wish I could mail Taylor that prayer shawl to remember her brother by and to wrap around her when she needs a hug from her big brother Derek.

Maybe Taylor can take the initiative and reach out to her mom in a text or email to ask for me to send her that special prayer shawl in honor of her brother Derek; no big discussions or questions or expectations, just a short and simple start. No stress. And as Taylor used to say (and it was printed on one of her favorite t-shirts) “No prob-Llama” (or alpaca.) Taylor is pictured here with alpacas from Barrington, Illinois and I’m with a baby alpaca when I recently went to Machu Picchu in Peru.

Madi created the YouTube channel, The Anti-Alienation Project, and brings awareness to Sibling and Parental Alienation. Her mom and family alienated Madi from her dad… for 20 years! Madi is a great resource to check out what Parental Alienation is from an Adult Child’s perspective.

Note: the time of the message is 9:14…my birthday (September 14th), but also a sign from my mom, Derek and Taylor’s Granni Elizabeth Ann Hill-Waldenmaier Hansen. (9:41 when I did the screenshot…same numbers!)

I have always reminded Derek that BOTH OF HIS PARENTS and his alienated sister love him very much…and that he should have ALL of us in his life. The words I speak are not just empty words, as I have continued to role model by my loving and honest actions, plus you can see, in countless communications, I reiterate those loving, equal and neutral sentiments. Kids should be able to have BOTH parents in their lives. Our children can have “DOUBLE LOVE.” When Derek and Taylor were playing around on the computer at the Fox River Grove Memorial Library, they created this “Double Love” letter for their dad and me. So cute!

Even Derek thanked me (in a special greeting card he gave me) for being such a positive role model to him.

Above, nestled between all the tree job photos of Derek, is a sunflower… a very special flower and symbol for Derek.

And, inside that are the words to the song “Wonderful World” which was one of Taylor’s favorite songs.

This picture of Derek was taken on the Mother’s Day weekend when Mom & Son both flew in to Florida and met at Lauderdale-by-the-Sea…and he decided that he wanted to make the move. He was so happy that day! Click on the link below to see him walking on the beach after making the decision to leave Illinois for Florida, with the U.S. Airforce Thunderbirds flying in the sky above:

Derek ended up getting hired and fired from countless tree jobs.

Luckily, one thing that was stable for Derek was his great Nashville apartment at the Knolls, so he always had a wonderful place to lay his head down each night.

Derek was nearing a year in Nashville, a move that he chose and wanted so he could pursue his passion of tree climbing, as Tennessee’s trees are more varied than the palms found in South Florida.

Photo above is from our favorite Greek Taverna restaurant at Lauderdale-by-the-Sea in Florida. And yes, we had saganaki flaming Kasseri-Kefalotyri cheese! Derek and I both love Greek food! I lived in Nea Kiffisia a suburb of Kiffisia near Athens when I was in 4th grade.

Photo from 1970-1 of me with my brothers Jay and Judd when we lived in Greece:

I didn’t like the food in Greece back when I was 10 years old; my mom ended making me french toast with her homemade syrup which I ate everyday for a year! Derek used to love it when I made him french toast; ever since he was little and even as an adult up until last year when we went out for breakfast on one of my many visits, Derek would always want me to cut his french toast for him. I always did. It was our little ritual. With other foods I wouldn’t go along, as I would want him to do things for himself. But when it came to french toast, well that was our special thing. I made saganaki (flaming cheese) for Derek and Taylor a lot when they were growing up. Taylor ended up making it on her own using her own microwave version. Opa! The kids and I loved feta cheese, tzaziki (yogurt & cucumber spread) and Greek Kalamata olives. I never made gyros; we would go to Mr. Beefy’s in Fox River Grove or the Village Squire in Crystal Lake for getting our Greek food fix. When Derek was living in Buffalo Grove, and then with me for a short while in my Palatine townhome, we’d get our Greek food at Dimitris in Northbrook or Kosta’s in Palatine on Hicks Road and Dundee. I can’t forget our favorite desert of baklava. I’m getting hungry. I’ve never heard of anyone eating in Heaven, but if they did, I bet Derek would be having a Mediterranean feast.

Another breakfast favorite was the “ROLSIES” (Pillsbury Orange Rolls) I made for our kids. I also made Derek and Taylor their own very special hot chocolate, using the Cocomotion machine. To make it special, I always served it in their Bailey’s face cups and always added whipped cream and sprinkles.

I’m sure Taylor can still remember that I regularly made our family homemade egg rolls:

…and EGG-IN-A-HOLE, inspired by Grandma Foderaro’s famous breakfast offering:

Derek really enjoyed slacklining and prided himself with his great balancing skills. See the blue link below when we met at Chicago’s Millennium Park one weekend:

DereksBalancing

Derek and I would make jokes and laugh a lot. We went to the zoo when we could. Our kids had many pets growing up and I instilled the love of animals, as well as the beauty of nature.

Our kids are very connected with and fascinated with the animal kingdom and animal welfare. I would ask Derek, “What kind of things to elephants do?” And, Derek would answer, “Well Mom, elephants do elephant things, of course.” This same line of questioning would take place with a variety of animals we saw.

Derek enjoyed laughing and being silly.

On September 26, 2024, when Derek was at work at one of his tree climbing jobs, he sent me this very funny video short about his new dog “Woody.” Derek really did have a great sense of humor. 

Click on the blue 13 second “Walking Woody” link of Derek’s new dog Woody:

WalkingWoody

Found another short video clip from my Christmas 2021 visit to see Derek in Fort Lauderdale, and I brought him a stocking full of silly childhood toys. Click on the blue 3sillyWall-Climbers slo-mo link below to see Derek’s skills and smile:

3sillywall-climbers

The below summary of our family’s names was written by myself and our daughter Taylor on February 15, 2009. She gave this to me back then. I always treasured anything our kids created, and usually put everything given to me in scrapbooks or hope chests. 

Derek really liked climbing trees as a kid. 

So did his mom.

Plus we BOTH like hanging upside down from trees!

Derek’s dad sent him a picture of himself using a chain saw in what could be a genuine attempt to make a connection with him. That was very nice and I’m sure Derek appreciated seeing this photo of his dad working on tree trimming. In the many decades I’ve known Kerry, he has never expressed interest in outdoor manual labor, including tree work. As any Victoria Woods neighbor would attest, I was the one who regularly mowed our lawn, gardened and trimmed trees. I did not badmouth or say anything negative to Derek about his dad or this photo. Quite the contrary. On this public facebook post, I wrote in a very positive and NON-alienating tone: “Hey there Derek. I didn’t know you and dad had trees in common too…that’s cool.“

I made flight and car rental arrangements for both Derek and I to meet up for an October 2023 week in Nashville for Derek to line up a new job. We had a number of apartment complexes to look at as well, and a very detailed “to do” list to get through. It was such a positive week. Derek and I got along super-well and he knew how much he was loved and supported by his mom. I was guardedly optimistic that this was going to be a great new start for Derek. I was really hoping and think Derek was believing that he could now have a great shot of living his best life.

This could also mark a time to relax for this mom, who has been on guard and on high alert regarding Derek’s well-being for many years. Unfortunately, there was no respite.

I was really hoping that Derek would get it together and find happiness and some positive relationships in Nashville…although it doesn’t matter where you go, you always bring yourself and your unresolved issues with you. But fresh starts do provide some renewed hope, excitement, opportunities, and scenery. Even through the great times (and there were many) and the times that Derek seemed to take me for granted and didn’t treat me well (unfortunately, there were those too), I always was there for him, seeing the good in him and trying to get him to see the good in himself.

Derek and I have done this before when he moved to Fort Lauderdale, Florida from Buffalo Grove, Illinois. We both flew into FLL for an amazing Mother’s Day weekend in May of 2021, staying at the Plunge Resort right on the ocean in the quaint town of Lauderdale-by-the-Sea. It was then that he decided to make the move the following month, so he secured a job with SoFlo and a great apartment at Executive Manor. He lived there for a couple of years, but seemed to continue to have struggles with addictions, jobs and relationships. We spent Mother’s Day together again in 2023, immersed in nature and animals at the Flamingo Gardens in Fort Lauderdale.

Click on the link below to see Derek feeding the flamingos:

Derek found a great job and the perfect apartment. He signed the lease in May and was going to drive the older truck to the Executive Manor apartments the next month.

I would meet him for his move in June 2021, have all the new furniture we ordered delivered, and Rick and I would buy him a new white Nissan Frontier truck (paying it all in full so Derek wouldn’t have any car payments) which would replace his currently trashed truck.

and I would stay to help him stock up the fridge and pantry, and get set up with new sheets, housewares, toiletrees and a complete new wardrobe of clothes.

Yes, this was going to be a costly endeavor for me, but just like I didn’t mind paying more for Taylor’s Harper and UNE college and her international travels than her dad, I had no problem paying whatever was needed for Derek’s move and expenses; our son’s life is SO worth it and you can’t put a price tag on Derek’s renewed spirit and the hope of a brighter tomorrow.

When Derek was getting ready to move from Illinois to Florida he just threw out most everything, even things of value or practical housewares that he could use in the new apartment. I was so glad that Derek chose to keep the St. Anne’s quilt I made him when he was younger; all handmade by stitching together squares cut from the SAS sweatshirts Derek and Taylor wore with their school uniforms. I also made a similar quilt for his sister Taylor. Her dad may have thrown it away when I believe that he was trying to erase me from our daughter’s life. Actually, after Derek’s death and because it was only Kerry going to Nashville to clean out Derek’s apartment (as I was not included,) Kerry could very easily just toss Derek’s St. Anne’s quilt out, along with all the many items I gave to Derek. I wonder what Kerry will choose to do with the Frontier truck Rick and I bought Derek? Kerry was always looking for easy money, especially if he is able to take money from me, so who knows? He’ll justify anything, even taking money from his own children, and appears to have no problem living with his decisions and behavior.

Little did I know that at age 32, Derek would confide in me that he was sexually molested, he said on two ocassions: one in childhood by someone very close to him, possibly family he told me, …and the other time around 8th grade/frosh at BHS from someone either at or connected to St. Anne’s in Barrington, Illinois. I asked Derek to disclose the names and details, but he said he didn’t want to. I thought this was such a huge step for Derek, that I didn’t want to press the issue, plus he didn’t want to report anything or pursue any legal remedy. Derek told me that whenever, if ever, he was ready to speak more on these unfortunate experiences, he would. I encouraged him to speak with a counselor or therapist, but he said that his dad is too involved with them as he pays for, coordinates and consults behind Derek’s back about his treatment, and he feels like what he shares is not confidential. I suggested to Derek that he find someone new to talk with that only HE knows about; Derek said he would look into it.

I heard from a former neighbor that Derek’s father might be planning to have a memorial service at St. Anne’s, where our family was registered as parishoners, where our kids went to school and where I regularly worshipped (usually just by myself, rarely did Kerry attend and I tried a lot to have our kids join me) and I served in ministry as a Lector reading for the congregation for six years. I believe if Kerry does have a service that it would be very UN-CHRISTIAN to not inform or include Derek’s mother. There has been no direct or indirect communications to me from Kerry about any details of any of the arrangements in Nashville or in Barrington. This former neighbor told me that she read somewhere, but it was not confirmed, that Kerry’s service might be at St. Anne’s on Tuesday, February 11, 2025 at 11:30 am. I was never informed of this by Kerry or St. Annes. Then on that day, this friend called the church and they said that Kerry changed the service to “only family.” She wasn’t even sure if there was going to be a service because it all seemed so secretive. Well, first of all, his mother, the woman who gave birth to Derek is about as close as family as you can get… yet not included in this “only family” service, if there was going to be a service. I was not told of any plans. If the service actually took place, I wonder if my estranged father and brother or their wives were informed, invited or attended, or the kids’ Godmother (my former betraying best childhood friend) or our nanny/babysitter, both who contributed significantly to the alienation of our daughter as they wedged their way into a maternal role as I was being ousted out. Secondly, if there was originally a public service and then it was cancelled or changed, I wonder what made Kerry change from having the service open for those who would like to attend, to switching it so people could not pay their respects. I have my own thoughts as to why, and it has to do with some truths being revealed. Possibly Kerry no longer could make up a story as to why Derek’s mom wouldn’t be there, or possibly my “Losing Derek” page on my website would expose truths he would not want revealed, including that I was purposely kept away from anything related to Derek’s death. Derek told me that his father isolated him from his friends and family, so now it is appearing that his dad is continuing to isolate Derek in death. This is abusive and just terrible for many reasons, but awful for Derek and awful for his friends, classmates and teammates, and others who cared about him.

When Derek left his Buffalo Grove, IL apartment, he just threw out almost everything. His mementos as well as perfectly good housewares were just tossed in the dumpster; this included family heirlooms that I inherited from my mom and grandparents. I was glad to see Derek kept the figurines given to him by his dad from when his paternal Grandpa Frank passed away in August of 2019. Since Derek’s passing, I can only imagine the items that Kerry just threw out when he (without me) went to Nashville to clean out and vacate Derek’s apartment. Derek learned not to value things and in many ways grew up with excess. Sure, he enjoyed material possessions; I would always make sure Derek had what he needed, and often what he wanted (even if I got it at a garage sale or thrift store) and his dad would always buy him the latest and best baseball and electronics equipment, so it was no big deal to just give away or throw out expensive things. Even though I knew that both my ex and I earned very good salaries (with his way over twice mine), I was always made to believe that we didn’t have money, as it seemed we were always short on funds. I understand now that I was financially abused, but back then, I was made to believe that my husband could manage our money better than me. I was put on a strict budget for groceries and house expenses, and had to report all purchases. I was allowed to have a checking account, but only for part of a year, as I was told it was best just to have one account. I admit that I very willingly handed over my teaching paycheck every two weeks, along with any cash I would earn from tutoring, as well as let Kerry be the one to meet regularly with our hired financial advisors. Luckily those financial advisors did not just cash in our entire investment portfolio as Kerry asked after he was notified that I filed for divorce. Kerry lied to our financial advisors in a memo (I still have the documentation, plus Kerry’s sealed deposition might have to be unsealed for more tangible evidence) falsely saying that BOTH of us wanted to cash everything out immediately. Kerry was very restrictive with our home purchases. For example, he would not even let me buy new kitchen cabinets when they were falling off their hinges one-by-one, so I made do by creating an “open look” decor style.  Also, I remember we got a $14,000 homeowner’s insurance check for hail damage to our roof, but Kerry kept that money without doing the repairs. When my mom passed away, my brother sent me $5,000, but Kerry said he needed that money for our bills, so I willingly gave it to him. Kerry secretly (without informing me) took ALL of our joint investments and over time put them 95% in his name, and took/kept the $40,000 cash that I alone invested in our children’s Ameriprise accounts (for college, wedding or house fund) and closed their accounts. I SPEAK THE TRUTH, HAVE MANY WITNESSES AND STILL HAVE ALL THE DOCUMENTATION AND PROOF. He did, however, let me buy a hot tub for the backyard after I had back injuries from a car accident and received a settlement. I believe that Derek assumed that he would never go without, because both parents provided, and then some.

Seriously Taylor, just like dad eventually repaid you the $12,000 he stole from your bank account (or as he would say… borrowed without persmission) on that life-changing, lightbulb moment over pizza at Kelsey’s Road House when I knew the abuse was not just on me, but on you too. Now that Derek has passed away, you have every right to the entire amount of $40,000 I put into investments for you kids; money that dad took before secretly closing your Ameriprise accounts. That money was yours… and is still yours … money solely from me, your mom. Dad has lots of money (3 education retirement pensions, plus a simple online search shows that he is employed in many high-paying post-retirement jobs, plus unlike me, he owns a home, luxury cars and major assets), so don’t worry that he would be giving you some, money that is rightly yours anyway. Maybe now that you are 30 years old (Happy Birthday by the way-I’ve missed a decade of wishing you well each year), you might want to use the money I gave to you for either a downpayment on a house, or to take some time to travel the world, maybe return to some places you loved, like Switzerland or Costa Rica, or better yet, use that money to free yourself from any financial bills that are keeping you, as an adult, dependent and controlled. Taylor, why don’t you ask dad for YOUR $40,000 from me and see if you get it.

I never once took our kids to the main Woodfield shopping mall like all the other moms and kids did, and I bought most of our children’s clothes and stuff for our house at garage sales and thrift shops like Goodwill, Savers, St. Anne Church’s House of Hope and Good Shepherd Hospital’s Catchpenny in Barrington. Derek recently sent me a photo of some work pants he bought at Goodwill in Nashville, so he continued to be thrifty.

While I was shopping second-hand, I made some beautiful connections with the older women volunteers at Catchpenny. One special woman was Carol Abrahamson, who used to call me “pretty nose” and who I still continue to keep in touch with. I just called her last night to inform her of Derek’s suicide and to tell her I was thinking of her and her late son Keith.

Back when Derek was in high school with that drug overdose situation (that he said was a suicide attempt and that I, to this day, don’t believe that narrative… I still think he did drugs with some neighbors and was covering for himself and others.) When I entered Good Shepherd Hospital early that morning, the first person I saw was Carol and she gave me such a warm, reassuring hug as she knew firsthand what I was going through. The drug addiction and mental health challenges that Derek would face much later on, mirrored that of Carol’s experience with her son Keithy. After years of what Carol felt was like a roller coaster ride with her son, it all came to a very tragic end. Keith was standing with a gun to his head only inches from his mom Carol. She had been through so many times where he had threatened to end his life before. She remained calm and told her son that she did not want him to kill himself and asked him very directly to please put the gun down. Instead of following his mom’s directive, Keith pulled the trigger and shot himself in the head right then, killing himself and splattering blood all over the place and all over his devastated mom. When I was exploring spirituality after “God Came To My Garage Sale” Carol would later go on to tell me of three separate after-death visitations from Keith. Keith’s dad, Carol’s husband, never believed in anything related to spiritual experiences from our departed loved ones, until it happened to him. He was sitting alone at their breakfast table having coffee when his deceased son Keith appeared and sat down across from him. They carried on a conversation as if Keith were here in the physical. Then Keith apologized to his dad and asked him to tell his mom and the rest of the family that he was sorry for everything, including how he chose to end his life. Hearing this story in the beginning of my understanding of the mysteries of the universe is something that has brought me peace, even now exactly two weeks after Derek died. I thanked Carol for being such a special part of my life. I had no idea that we both would endure the loss of our sons to suicide. Carol is an angel on earth.

Targeted parents who are alienated from their children, are always victims of their ex’s aggressive Smear Campaign. They lose their entire support system of friends, neighbors, family, coworkers, church, clubs, sports…you name it, basically everyone, including your family’s handyman. Only people who have endured this severe abuse can truly understand. In the beginning, as I was trying to figure out what was happening, I reached out to the Love Dominates organization (now AGAPE Love Dominates) because their mission was all about “choosing love over hate and compassion over judgment.” I connected with the founder Tamara Gerstemeier Sweeney, as she has been severely alienated from her four children for over 12 years now and has endured more law fare than anyone I have ever heard of. She has been a lifeline to me ever since; in fact, we are soul-sister lifelines to each other. I am so blessed that she, and eventually an entire new group of friends, has come into my life to bring me hope, have fun and laugh with, a shoulder to cry on and support to keep moving forward despite the significant betrayals and losses at every front. Targeted Parents sadly often end up alone, without their children, for holidays and milestones.

Derek arrived in Fort Lauderdale without much stuff, and his black truck was completely trashed and on its last leg. It was in such bad shape, that his new Fort Lauderdale landlord refused to let him park the truck in front of his apartment because it was such an eyesore. I assured the landlord that Derek would be getting a new truck within the week. This starting fresh in a new living arrangement reminded me of when I became homeless, after choosing to file for divorce and finding out that our home, that I was told by my then-husband was paid off ten years prior, was actually in foreclosure and our property taxes weren’t paid. I needed a new place to live, but had little to no money and needed to initially borrow from others, sell most everything and ramp up my tutoring business just to make ends meet and pay the bills I was left with, along with all the new legal expenses that are a huge part of getting divorced in the family court system. I would NEVER steal money from anyone, ever, especially not from our daughter. When the opportunity came up to live in Palatine at Forest Knoll, I did ask Taylor if I could temporarily borrow some of the cash her dad repaid her from when he stole the money out of her bank account without permission, and that I could repay it in two months. Unfortunately, that request was misconstrued and used against me. I was very appreciative that my dad eventually lent me a large sum of money so I wouldn’t be homeless; I paid him back as soon as I was able.

My then-friend and now-life partner Rick helped me land in a very comfortable transition townhome right next to the Midtown Tennis Club in Palatine, where we met Rick when Taylor and I took a tennis-in-no-time class. Taylor was with us when we looked at the apartment, and she liked it so much, she did a cartwheel in the living room. I only looked at this one place and knew that is where I wanted to be. Midtown was also where I tutored for hours each night to earn extra money (to pay off debt I was wrongly assigned and to pay my huge legal fees) and where Taylor and I would meet for dinners in their cafe. Midtown also had some great social events and was a cozy place where I could heal my body and mind by swimming, steam, sauna and spa. Plus, right next door was the Deer Grove Forest Preserve, a wonderful natural park with bike trails that I would enjoy (rollerblade, bikeride or take walks), which also helped in my initial emotional and physical healing.

For almost an entire school year, I made an arrangement with our daughter Taylor regarding our family car: I would leave the car at home and get picked up from my coworker friend Sharon who would drive from her home in the morning from Cary, then she would stop to get me in Fox River Grove, the next town over, and then she would drive us both to work at Palatine High School. We both worked with students in the Special Education department. Taylor would take the bus to Barrington High School and back home in the afternoon. Then Taylor would drive our car to her evening job. I would walk or catch a ride to the Midtown Club, which was near my work. When Taylor was done with her work, she would drive to Midtown in Palatine and we would meet for dinner. Taylor always loved filling out the menu card, picking out and checking the boxes of what she would like to eat each night. We would often stay and swim or take an exercise class before heading back home to Fox River Grove. I loved being a teacher! I earned one of education’s top honors before retiring in 2019 from my successful and rewarding 35-year special education teaching career.

Derek’s first school experience was at the wonderful Cornerstone’s Montessori Home Care in Lake Barrington.

The owner and teacher of Cornerstone’s was Faith Silver. Faith is a beautiful soul who loved Derek so very much. Every chance I could get I volunteered and was involved at Cornerstones. Faith and I are still friends today.

When I was making plans to relocate and move from Palatine, Illinois to the Caribbean, our children’s father agreed to take the kids’ childhood stuff. I didn’t realize then, but learned eventually, that Kerry disposed of anything related to me or my family. Abusive exes do whatever they can to erase the children’s other parent, which includes throwing out photos of and mementos. Kerry never appeared to me to care about their cherished belongings, special writings or art projects, like I always did, but maybe that was because I took charge of keeping and organizing their stuff. Kerry was, however, very adament about taking photos and videotaping our son Derek, but only on the baseball field so there would be footage to review and critique, like a sports coach does with their team players. I was usually the one who took all the many photos to mark the memories of our lives. After Kerry abruptly moved out of our foreclosed home, he used a photograph that I took of Derek and Taylor from a Colorado Winter Park ski trip and used it as HIS Christmas card.

I’m sure the many photos I had made for Derek have been sifted through by his dad as he was cleaning out Derek’s Nashville apartment, probably discarding any of me, with the rest taken for himself. I wouldn’t be surprised if Kerry doesn’t screenshot some of the photos from this “Losing Derek” page-post to use at the “private”–not including Derek’s mom– Catholic memorial service he may or may not have. (although, that would be unauthorized, as stated in the disclosure and terms-conditions) Abusers are takers, and only give when they know it will benefit them in some way. Kerry did put much more effort and care into Derek’s sports gear and activities. Maybe Kerry was quick to let me hand over all their stuff so he could rifle through the many boxes and discard anything from me or that would evoke a postive memory of me in our children’s eyes. He appeared to me to want control over what our kids saw and had. Parents who alienate, do everything and anything in their power to erase their children’s other parent.

I actually spent countless hours, days, weeks and months, over a three year period in the basement of my Palatine townhome organizing all our children’s belongings, from their toys and sports uniforms-awards to their art projects and school papers, along with family heirlooms and very special items from their mom that I had saved for years for them. None of these items were originally taken by Kerry when he abruptly moved out of our foreclosed Fox River Grove home. In fact, in the divorce decree, Kerry made sure that the verbiage stated that ALL items in the house belong to me; however, as a reasonable and kind person, I packed up all of Kerry’s belongings including HIS family photos (why wouldn’t he want those?), along with the items he specifically told me that he wanted (the grandfather clock, his framed educational degree certificates, the red and blue Fiestaware dishes, the cherrywood furniture and a bizarre request: even our bedroom furniture set- complete with our bed sheets !!! a strange thing to want, but he did…and I gladly gave it to him.) He ended up removing all of these items from our home.

Our kids sure loved doing art projects, at school and at home! Derek was such a creative and talented artist, even as a kid.

Unfortunately, our children’s father did not “get the memo” that divorcing parents don’t use their kids to communicate back and forth with their ex. Putting the children in the middle is just wrong, yet that’s what Kerry did, as Derek shared this text with me:

Research shows that alienating parents (along with their regime of loyal enablers… including your in laws!) try to erase their children’s other parent, along with the other half of their child’s family, so the kids end up hating half of who they are. So when they reject their loving, targeted parent, they also cut off any aunt, uncle, grandparent or friend of that parent at the same time. It took a moving van to bring all of our children’s belongings to their dad’s place, and I am quite certain that he may have tossed out anything related to me such as photos, jewelry and any art project that celebrated their mom. The discards from alienators can also include valuable family heirlooms, because narcissists place little to no value on sentimental mementos.

The below December 8, 2018 email from our children’s father to me, the mother, is a tangible example of the beginnings of  Parental Alienation in the works, and how one parent takes the children (and in our case ADULT children) away from their other parent. It’s important to note that I was court-ordered to maintain all three insurance policies for our daughter, yet her father is instructing me to cancel them, in a sense… trying to trick me into doing something against what was legally decided, which would put me in contempt of court. Taylor’s father says “Taylor wishes for you to cancel your health, dental and vision insurance coverage for her as of January 1, 2019.” This happened early on in the Parental Alienation Campaign of Denigration. At least I didn’t fall for the bait on this issue and go along with his sneaky means of trying to get me in trouble. Instead, I chose to follow the court order and continued to pay for our daughter’s three insurance policies.

Truth is not a virtue held by abusing alienators. Honesty is the top virtue that I hold dear: Always have and always will. Our Creator, God, knows my heart and knows the truth.

Later on I believe our children’s father manipulated other medical situations with Taylor’s prescription medicines and contact lenses, creating the drama (falsely blaming me) that he needed to support his lies: lies that were so significant in getting Taylor to turn against her mom. (Kerry told me to return Taylor’s contact lenses because she got a new prescription and he would take care of getting her the new contact lenses, and then with the pharma drugs, he was concerned they would interact with her pot use, and told me he talked with her doctor who said to bring the drugs in…but because I lived closer, he asked if I would do that for him… both scenarios were lies and a set up that I naively fell for hook, line and sinker.) Then her dad goes on to provide instructions which would further alienate our daughter from her mom. He writes, “Again, any and all communications, packages, etc. for Taylor should be sent to her home address…” which was really NOT where she was living, because that was her dad’s address. Her dad had abducted her (taken her to an undisclosed location without telling her mom) and set her up in an apartment, which I later found out was in Hoffman Estates. These directives were shocking and aggressive, but I had no idea what was in store for my future with regards to extreme Parental Alienation.

Our children’s father, in his obsessive attempt to destroy me, would go to great lengths to try and cut me completely out of our daughter’s life, and as a result, would cause our daughter to experience lifelong trauma and harm. It was clear and now is evident, that the damage was also done to Derek. He was isolated from his sister for many years, and now with Derek’s death, the previously close siblings will never get to reunite on this earthly plane. With Kerry not having the courtesy to communicate with me about or include me in any decisions about arrangements regarding Derek, this is yet another clear example of continuing his alienation efforts, even in Derek’s death.

Why do narcissistic alienators go to such extremes? Researchers report that it is because of their own deep rooted shame for being the pathetic, insecure and empty people that they are. Also, because they are afraid that their children will reject them if they also have a relationship with their other parent or they are afraid of their children’s reaction when the kids learn of their alienating parent’s true malevolent character. Additionally, because the only way these abusers know how to operate is by using the Divide & Conquer strategy, and believe that destroying the other parent will insure that their kids will become dependent and loyal to only them. The brainwashing works and is often very successful, and the children’s alignment with their alienating parent can go on blindly for decades, even after the truth is eventually revealed. The kids are usually so trauma bonded and enmeshed that they don’t have the strength to break away and reach out to the loving parent they rejected for so many years. It’s a sad scenario. Only a few end up breaking this intergenerational pattern. A healthy parent would never interfere with the children having a relationship with the other parent. I believe their is also a demonic factor of spiritual warfare between good and evil, light and dark. Kids need and should be able to love BOTH of their parents.

Many of these types are conscienceless Psychopaths, whose often undiagnosed personality disorder is characterized by a lack of empathy and remorse, with a tendency to manipulate, exploit and coercively control others, including their own children. Many hold revered leadership positions in society, often in the fields of education, religion, social services and humanitarian-centered organizations, as they are very charismatic and can appear charming, compassionate, caring and generous and are always calm, cool and collected. Basically they wear a public mask of “True Deceit False Love.”

“TRUE DECEIT FALSE LOVE.”

Here is an another example of emails given to and/or sent by me, of Kerry putting our son Derek in the middle between our adult divorce issues. He’s having Derek be the messenger regarding the kids’ belongings. Parents should never put the children in the middle.

Generally speaking, many narcissistic fathers, whether diagnosed or more often, undiagnosed, portray so many common and researched traits. With subtle threats and manipulations, they project their ambitions onto their sons and they demand perfection whether is is in academics, sports, career aspirations and financial success. For a general example: if the father was a star football quarterback, but his failed athletic dreams of playing in the pros were never realized, he may groom his son to follow the same path, often having him compete in that same position with the same jersey number, but insure that his son has the best equipment and best opportunities for success that the dad didn’t have growing up. The dad is so competitive that he may coach his son’s multiple childhood football teams, get super-involved with the football organization when his son is in high school, and even go so far as to change his son’s football stats on his resume, just to give his son the best possible opportunities to succeed. The son’s achievements will never be enough to meet the father’s expections; no pun intended, but these competitive dads are constantly “moving the goalposts.” Sons are taught to supress their emotions as the dads will not tolerate vulnerability, which is viewed as a weakness, which results in the son’s emotional disconnection causing difficulties in forming authentic relationships. Generally speaking, these fathers are actually insecure and weak themselves, but their false public mask doesn’t allow others to see it. Fathers may view their sons as a threat, which can show up in a competitive need to win at all costs, including lying, cheating and stealing. They portray themselves and want their sons to appear better than they really are. The sons feel inadequate and can see this but are too afraid to confront or stand up for themselves. They never seem to meet the domineering father’s high expections, and because they are so trauma-bonded, the son is always needing to try and get their father’s rigid approval, just to receive some crumbs of love from their dad. Sons are left grappling with so much internal conflict, and struggle to embrace their authentic self to pursue their own passions which leads to emotional and financial independence.

The narc father will often compare their sons to others with regards to their stature in life: career, salary and assets. They intentionally keep their adult sons small, not wanting them to thrive and make it on their own. The sons turn to other means to cope and often self-sabotage as opposed to mustering up the courage to have a heart-to-heart conversation with their dad. According to the Mayo Clinic research, sons of narcissistic fathers experience the following 9 outcomes: (1) you feel like you’re never enough (2) you self-sabotage (3) you have relationship problems (4) you struggle with your emotions (5) You tie your self-worth to your achievements (6) you’re obsessed with perfection (7) you struggle to set boundaries (8) you lack a true sense of self, and (9) you may display narcissistic qualities yourself. (speaking of Mayo Clinic, I spent 4 days there while doctors were trying to figure out the Pudendal Neuralgia I suffered with from a robotic surgery; I flew there myself, just as I had to go alone to any surgery I had. My then-husband was just not present with me “through sickness and in health.”) I spent many years studying narcissism in people, specifically fathers, as I believe my own father and my ex have similar traits. When Derek was presenting many of the signs and behaviors of adult children dealing with this, I never once ever spoke poorly about his dad or either of his grandfathers or imply that they were narcissists, as I have no credentials to diagnose anyone, but I did provide him reading and video clips for him to learn and make any possible connections that he would deem applicable, just to educate himself in general on these personality characteristics to learn about human behavior, especially since he expressed to me that he struggles with making and keeping positive relationships.

The below photographs are copyrighted and were all taken by by me, with the exception of one which was publicly posted on a public website.

FATHERS AND SONS CAN HAVE A VERY SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP.

FATHERS AND DAUGHTERS CAN ALSO HAVE A VERY SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP.

Alienators try to erase you as the loving parent, and throwing out any reminder of you is typical with these pathogenic types, just like they lie to the kids, withhold information, intercept mail, discard or return gifts and block phone calls or texts. They also insure that you, the targeted parent, are not included in any milestone celebrations and are kept from school, sports, extracurricular events or educational-medical records. They manipulate and lie about dates/times so that you don’t know the kids’ activity schedules, as they convince professionals that you no longer care or are even legally allowed to participate in their children’s lives. In my case, our daughter was basically abducted from our family home and secretly moved to an undisclosed location without sharing any information with me, her mom. I later found out he moved her to Hoffman Estates, several towns over from Fox River Grove. Then, when she graduated with her associates degree from Harper (where her loving mom who helped her with her papers, coordinated her entire 3-year tuition and paid all of her expenses) I was not invited or included in her graduation ceremony. He then moved our daughter very far away to the state of Maine, again without even informing me, which was in violation of our divorce decree. He didn’t care. Alienators believe they can make their own rules and are above the law. They have no problem with being in legal contempt of court.

This was one of many times Kerry chose not to follow court orders and was in contempt. I just never had the energy, money or frankly interest to take him back to court to enforce the order. I just naively assumed that if a judge ordered something to be done, then the order would be followed in good faith. That is not how it always works in the un-justice family court system, especially when you are dealing with a dishonest person who lacks integrity. It’s now 2025, and Kerry is STILL not following the judge’s court orders! It is just a game for him. The process is the punishment. (This statement was originally coined by Malcolm M. Feeley as he argued that the abusers insure that the costs and burdens of navigating each law fare situation, including time in preparation, stress of the process and neverending costs to the targeted victim) can be more punishing than the actual outcome.) Luckily, I have moved on in my life and rarely give the ex or his shenanigans any thought as I enjoy my day-to-day.

Currently it’s 2025, and since 2021 I continue to have to respond to Kerry’s bad faith court petitions against me at a huge expense of time and money. Finally, after five years of the most recent, current and ongoing law fare, the judge gave a “final” order that was very specific, yet Kerry is currently not following that order, even though I was in agreement and the outcome was what he wanted. His real motive is to keep connected to me in any way he can, and the only way is through keeping me tied up in the courts. In general, rules and orders just don’t seem to apply to abusive alienators. They are known to be master-manipulators hiding behind a false mask disguise, who follow a typical playbook and believe that they are above the law. Abusers like this will never stop; they want to keep their ex in court as long as they can. They will try to find any excuse to sue their ex and continue to law fare and Domestic-Financial Abuse indefinitely, especially if their ex speaks the truth and has reclaimed their life, and is happier and healthier away from them.

Unfortunately, the kids are manipulated to believe that the targeted parent is terrible because in their minds the targeted parent stopped caring, never loved them and actually wants to cause them harm, when in reality, projection is at play and it is their other parent doing everything and anything to sever the loving bonds with the parent that truly loves them and has their best interests at heart, at all times. The kids will believe the most outlandish untruths.

Getting back to setting up Derek’s Fort Lauderdale, Florida apartment: I made duplicates of hundreds of photos of Derek and our family over his entire life so far, so that he could have tangible proof of his family’s love. I made sure there were many photos with his dad and Derek’s paternal side of the family, as Derek was loved by his entire family. It was always on my “to do” list to finally organize and make a Foderaro Christmas Card scrapbook, and when I was alone after the divorce, I set to work on organizing photos. All of our neighbors, family, friends and anyone that was close to us as the kids were growing up, knew that the Foderaros would send out a family photo Christmas card. Well, I didn’t just make a scrapbook for myself and Derek, I made one for Taylor, even though she was alienated and not speaking with me at this time. And, believing it was the right thing to do, I even made their father a scrapbook as well, as I thought (well, hoped) that he would want to have a copy of these special annual greetings from all the years our family was together. I am not an alienator; never was and never will be.

When Derek’s father would visit Derek’s various apartments, Derek told me that his father would always have extra sets of keys made, make sure his electronics-games-air tags were all in proper working order, go through his crate of files and then after his dad left, he would notice that many of his photos were taken. I went to great expense to make copies of photos and then to frame some very special photos of Derek and our immediate family. Derek gave me a copy of the below October 19, 2019 email. Derek was very upset that his dad took ALL of his files, including his original birth certificates that I ordered and gave to Derek (along with many other official certificates.)

According to Derek, which he shared with me in his own words: his father would enter Derek’s apartment with keys that his dad had made duplicates of, to rifle through any papers, bills and document and steal his stuff. There was one time where according to Derek, Kerry just took his entire file bin, which included very important information, photographs, documents and bills. Check out Derek’s text to me (above) when this happened regarding his birth certificate. It was so sad to read his words: “I will pray for myself tonight.” In general, and it’s commonly  reported, abusive, narcissistic alienators like to micromanage their children. They track and troll. They use spyware, hidden cameras, air tags and other devices to get intel on their kids about who they speak to, what they do and where they go. These abusers make sure that they purchase all electronics, games, phones, subscriptions and have them in their name so they can access call logs, contacts, etc. Abusers and alienators do not want their children independent, so they resort to being secret agent spies. Behind the scenes they smear their own children and create scenarios to gaslight them and others that their children are mentally ill. Derek firmly believed his dad and the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder, even though Derek told me after one of his hospitalizations, that four (4) doctors told him that they do NOT believe he has that disorder. Alienators will out-of-the-blue decide to contact their ex’s family to create drama and keep the connection going with their ex.

Derek would buy into the mentally ill diagnosis and say he has a personality disorder and must take medicines. Derek could be rather mean to me at times, but I continued to unconditionally love him so very much.

Derek has always been such an empathetic soul. Even when he would feel impatient or upset, he always had a sort of kindness about him. When he was very little, he made a wish after he got the larger piece of the wishbone. As his mom, I saved that wishbone and quickly wrote down his words, to remember this special moment.

I took soooo many photos of Derek and Taylor. They were very close as siblings, but their bond seemed to run even deeper, yet they were both isolated and kept away from each other. These recent years were so damaging with regards to them ever reconnecting. And now it’s too late. Only the abuser wins. The children are the real losers.

For many years Derek would carry around a photo of the two of them, brother and sister. More than likely this photo was found in his wallet after his apparent suicide, but I will never get the chance to get that confirmed, as his father has taken control of everything related to Derek’s death. Derek’s sadness in not being able to be, what he said “allowed by his dad to have his sister in his life,” has tugged at his heart constantly. Because I believe children should have BOTH parents in their lives including extended family from BOTH the father and the mother, For Derek’s apartment, I bought and framed photos of Derek with his dad, one of me (his mom) and every other immediate family member.

The following copyrighted photos were taken by me, with the exception of the 1st & 2nd cousin photos, which were given to me by our children.

as well as his aunts and uncles: Uncle Joe Foderaro & Aunt Peggy Upchurch Foderaro and Uncle Judd Hansen & Aunt Susan Aranowski Hansen.

as well as his first (Carol Stream, IL) cousins Nicky and Jessica Foderaro and second (Vegas) cousins Samantha and Stephanie Raguso.

and my mom, Derek’s Granni, who unfortunately really wasn’t a big part of his life, due to MY deep rooted Parental Alienation that continued until my lightbulb moment in my 60’s; by then it was too late to reunite as she sadly passed away five years later. As hard as it was for me to set healthy boundaries after realizing the severe alienation I experienced by rejecting my mother, at least I eventually had the courage to go no contact with my alienating father and was able to break this intergenerational family trauma cycle. Better late than never. There is so much damage done to so many because of one abusing, pathogenic parent. That’s why I wrote so many books to bring awareness to Parental Alienation; to try and reach our daughter before it’s too late and I’m gone and she’s left with regret, like the regret I feel with regards to my alienation situation with my own mom.

and five grandparents;

I wanted Derek to know how much he was loved by ALL the members of his family, especially his PATERNAL side of the family, because I do not and would NEVER alienate our children and cut off half of their DNA, and even though I believed his extended paternal family to have questionable character and who stayed silent and kept so many family secrets, had multiple marriages (my ex’s grandmother was married 8x!) and there were shady-sounding deaths and multiple cousins from various families. I remember going to one family wedding at a banquet hall in a rough part Chicago that I had never been to, and after an hour or so I told my husband that I was too uncomfortable and frankly scared around what I said were “all these mobster-like characters,” that I demanded we leave immediately. All of these people contributed to the abuse and alienation of our kids, even if it was not intentional or done directly.  They are still our children’s family and I was always respectful. There seemed to be many mysteries within the Foderaro extended family, and where these unusual dynamics made me a bit uncomfortable. Earlier in his life, Derek, the firstborn grandson, was treated like gold, which is aprapos considering Derek initially seemed to fit into the role of the Golden Child. The last few years and now even in his death, I believe the isolation in his adult life and even with his death and private service, along with a vigorous smear campaign and his dad’s constant and critical focus on what he was doing wrong, contributed to making Derek the scapegoat or the black sheep of the family.

Derek did get to meet his great grandma and great aunt, my paternal grandmother and aunt.

The below personalized plate was given to me by a neighbor mom when I earned my doctorate degree in 1997. I loved this plate, but I loved this friend much more. I truly believed that the two of us were super close friends. However, I learned that she was not who I thought, as soon as I filed for divorce and our house went into foreclosure. However, this neighbor friend ended up becoming close friends with my childhood best friend AFTER dropping me after 20 years! It was very shocking and sad for me to realize the betrayal from two girlfriends who I really cared for.

Sadly, even close family members don’t reach out to their own kin in desperate times when they need the connection, guidance and support. I think it is very shallow and a negative reflection on the lack of real concern and lack of action, which could help turn someone’s life around. In Derek’s case, any intervention, regardless of how minor, could have been a small part in changing the trajectory of his addictions, resulting in possibly saving his life. Of course, it appears that Derek did take his own life, and I would never assume that his apparent choice to hang himself that fateful Saturday night was anyone else’s fault or responsibility. In March of 2015, close to 10 years ago, I took our daughter on a spring break Florida college/university tour trip, where I even arranged a tour of her dad’s alma mater…

where we by chance happened to run into Taylor’s first cousin Jessica and her mom, my sister-in-law, Aunt Peg. During this suprise encounter, I told Peggy that her nephew/our son Derek, was doing a dangerous dance with hard street drugs, and that I believed that Derek’s dad was enabling this with money. I begged her to please reach out to her brother-in-law (Derek’s dad/my ex) and ask him to STOP giving Derek money which he could use for drugs, as this will most likely result in some devastating consequences.

Derek’s selfie looks a lot like another publicly posted photo of a famous drug addict’s selfie:

I was in such fear for Derek’s well-being, that on several ocassions, as much as I never wanted to talk with my abusive ex-husband Kerry again, I actually communicated this directly with him. He did not respond to me, however told me, through his criminal-divorce lawyer’s communication, that her client can give his son money whenever and in whatever amount he wants, that it is none of my business and that I’m out of line making these concerns. The court chaos continues to this day in 2025, as the “process is the punishment.” I’ve come to the conclusion that my ex thinks he can break me by the alienation, but also in trying to break my bank, my loving spirit and making sure that our kids are not in my life. He is sick. It hasn’t worked and it won’t work, but in turn he is showing his true colors and evil obsessive agenda. To paraphrase the advice and famous saying uttered by Napoleon at the Battle of Waterloo, “Never interfere with an enemy while he’s in the process of destroying himself.” Aunt Peggy told me that she believed that it was not her place to get involved! Why not? Doesn’t she care for her nephew’s well-being? I always thought she cared a great deal for Derek. IT’S CERTAINLY NOT HER FAULT AND I AM IN NO WAY IMPLYING THERE’S BLAME FOR DEREK’S CHOICE TO apparently KILL HIMSELF ON ANYONE OTHER THAN DEREK, but fast forward 10 years later and now Derek is dead. And now my sister-in-law wants to act as if our many years of no contact, which I believe contributed to the alienation of BOTH of our children, is no big deal by her recent communications. What nerve! She could be set up by Kerry to engage, but either way she went along with it. She’s now, along with her daughter, on February 2, 2025, reaching out to me, breaking her decades-long silence, to communicate with me to offer her condolences, saying she thinks of me often, ending her pathetic and insincere note with “Love always.” It’s been said, “too little-too late,” and to me this communication is very revealing as to her character. Our niece Jessica was included, and not her husband or son?!?!?! What’s that all about? I figured out what I think would be the reason why. You see, as a victim and survivor of severe Domestic Violence and extreme Parental Alienation, you end up playing the role of detective to unravel at least some of the secrets and wrongdoing. My deduction was that Peggy probably only included Jessica because she knows that I blocked her number years ago, and the only way to get a text to me was through a group chat with an unknown number. I wouldn’t have known my niece Jessica’s number; Jessica may not even know her mom sent this. Despite my being her Godmother, loving and caring for her during her entire formative years, and making a special scrapbook for her from her 1st year of life, a scrapbook that has most likely been discarded, just as I was when I chose to divorce Kerry after 27 years of marriage. All communications with me and their paternal side of the family stopped when I filed for divorce; except for that chance encounter in Florida.

Just like when Derek told me that his dad didn’t include Derek in either of his sister Taylor’s two college graduation ceremonies, or his paternal grandparent’s funerals, Derek did not go to his paternal grandmother’s funeral, and when I asked him why, he said his dad told him that it was “just going to be a small ceremony.” Derek was one of two grandsons and four grandchildren, who was very close with his grandma. This just doesn’t make sense, and Derek told me he didn’t feel included in the family and knew he was being shunned by his dad, he just didn’t know why.

I am not sure if Derek went to his paternal grandfather’s funeral. Derek never talked about it to me. Although in the 30+ years I knew him, I never liked my father-in-law and had absolutely no respect for him (mostly based on how he treated his wife, and how threatening, stubborn and controlling he was), however, I never once told our children about my feelings and always was positive about our kids being loved by their paternal grandfather.

Derek told me that he was not even informed or included when his only male cousin, Nicky, got married in August of 2022. Derek shared with me that his dad would often compare him to Nicky, pointing out how unsuccessful Derek was in relation to his cousin, who has a prestigious law career, a top paying salary and was able to purchase a first home for over a half million dollars. Was Derek even invited to his cousin Nick’s wedding? Was Derek invited to any showers or family gatherings when his cousin Nick recently had a baby in April of 2024? It was very painful for Derek to express to me that he felt that he was purposely not included. He used to be so close with his cousins. Why would his father want to isolate him from his first cousins Nicky and Jessica? Who does that? I wonder what his overall motive is.

Getting back to Derek’s move to Fort Lauderdale: After our Walmart and grocery power-shopping and the heavy moving work was done, Derek’s apartment and decor were stunning. He really would be able to come home after work to a beautiful and comfortable retreat. I would then part ways and fly back to St. Croix, my tropical paradise in the United States Virgin Islands. Unfortunately, I never trusted or felt safe inviting Derek to my new island home; as long as he was enmeshed with his dad. Rick and I believe Derek’s dad to be capable of causing us great harm, especially since he may have had Derek to do his dirty-work of spying and bidding for him. We just couldn’t compromise our safety. It is awful to have to protect yourself, but worse to not to be able to protect your own children from harmful people and situations, just as it is awful for us targeted parents when it comes to seeing the truth of the negative people that we have surrounded ourselves with or that are in our lives as family. Actually, Derek could cause me (or both Rick and I) harm, either possibly directed by his dad or on his own accord. One day Derek very shockingly said to me in a drug-induced angry rant: “I can come to your island, find you and bury you.” Who says something like that, especially to your own mom? And only an empathetic mother would be able to continue on in a loving and giving relationship after a threat like that from their own child. I love Derek with all my heart, but I have to protect myself too. I recently told him that I needed, with love, to step back some (only from the topics of independence, jobs and medical advice) since Derek was choosing to align more with his dad and what I felt were poor choices; he understood. 

I did let Derek know I was happy in my new home and new life on the island. I would send him random video clips to let him know I was thinking of him. And I did show him my St. Croix home office, so he could “see” that I valued photos of and artwork from him and Taylor. Click on the links below:

I always let Derek know that I was there for him anytime, even if we lived far apart:

Derek has had two major adult arrests that I know of: one on July 5th and then five days later on July 10th in 2017. The charges were (1) Reckless Driving and (2) Criminal Trespassing. Derek was put in jail in Lubbock, Texas. He called me collect the first night. They have a phone procedure, so I paid to speak with him. Oddly, Derek told me that he had been in jail all day, citing that he “kinda liked it…the structure and the other guys who were inmates.” Seems Derek just wanted to belong somewhere, like he did when he was on a baseball team. I wish earlier in his life, after high school, he would have looked into the military instead of pursuing his dad’s baseball dreams. (after junior college, Derek never picked up a baseball bat or glove again…not even for a recreational league; if baseball was really Derek’s passion, he would continue and be interested in it.) That night after receiving the call from Derek from jail, I wrote a letter to GOD and included a handful of family photos to express mail to Derek to give him hope. I overnighted this package to the jail. It was later returned to me because his dad bailed him out that evening. So, Derek could have had the opportunity for a life lesson, but just like when his dad had a Walmart shoplifting charge “expunged” when he was in 8th grade or early high school, again Derek didn’t have to face any consequences. Derek was always given everything he every wanted. Why would he steal a jacket from Walmart? Why would he ever break the law? Actually, it’s coming back to me, that Kerry arranged for Derek to do community service hours for that expungement with a school administrator or priest friend he knew. That was all arranged without me knowing or being shared any details. This was around the time when Derek told me of his second sexual molestation. And who gives a big smile like that for a mugshot?

Derek would soon be on his way moving towards his new chance at life. Everything was going along fine, but sadly that lasted only for a short while. Researchers say that what happens with adult children who have one parent who constantly undermines the other and doesn’t truly want their child to be independent and successful, is that they use covert Parental Alienation tactics. The coercively controlling parent basically trains the children to be the ones who carry out their put downs and maltreatment of the parent who loves the kids unconditionally. The children end up disrespecting the loving, targeted parent and treating them very poorly. Children are a witness to how their parents treat each other, so they indirectly follow their behavior as a role model and intergenerational patterns carry on. Alienators engage in projection and accuse the other parent of what THEY are actually doing.

The children begin to go through the cycle of aligning with the alienator, which gives the kids permission to be disrespectful, and even abusive to the loving targeted parent, without any care or concern. In fact, Derek would sometimes say to me that he’s just using-playing both of his parents to get whatever money and resources he can suck out of both, and that he often lies to get his way and manipulates both his dad and mom. He did have a role model when it comes to being untruthful. At least he was honest about his dishonesty. Despite knowing and experiencing this, it’s hard as a parent on many levels, but mainly because you love your child and want to help them make better choices, you regularly return with a clean slate time and time again, for learning sake. Parental Alienation is a Hate Crime against your ex and your own children are used as weapons.

Sometimes there’s a very fine line between well-intentioned parents enabling their children, who are actually taking advantage of them.

I’m sure I’m guilty of giving too much and ignoring our son’s negative actions toward me. So as a targeted mom being abused, not only from an abusive ex and toxic others, but also from our children, I often just put up with Derek’s inconsistent mistreatment of me.

I didn’t realize that I would be navigating unchartered waters that were the start of many storms.

Derek ended up getting back into drugs, which lead to all sorts of problems. He was not planning or following through with any of the many financial budgets I created for him or that we created together, so he began selling a lot of his new gifts, including the $500 bike he wanted and I gave him –which was a big purchase– but a significantly important purchase, because with his bike, it would only take him ten minutes to get to the beach, where he could be in nature and have the opportunity to socialize and meet others.

I helped him out a number of times, probably too many times. Looking back, I know that Derek was not always honest with me; actually, I know that he lied to me a lot. He had a very dishonest role model in his other parent. Derek most likely continued his active addictions, despite his regular attendance at meetings and all the “I’m focusing on my sobriety” talk. He did once tell me that he could get hooked up with any type of drug at these recovery meetings. I did try to support him, but always suggested he needed a balance.

Over the many years, I did pay thousands of dollars for Derek to get counseling support. Unlike his dad, I did NOT want to talk with the therapists; in fact I didn’t even want to know their names or any details, as I believed that Derek needed complete autonomy with counseling.

I also paid thousands of dollars for Derek’s adult dental plans and services (both kids had very expensive orthodonist bills when they were in gradeschool.) He did follow through with the Palatine dentist appointments and cleanings, as he had severe gingivitis and needed seven fillings. I kept on trying to get him to go to a dentist in Florida and in Tennessee, but to no avail. We had a wonderful dentist in Barrington, Illinois when he was growing up. Derek was a favorite patient and loved “Charlie” the water/rinse thing. Dr. Hogan and Mindy learned of Derek’s passing and sent their condolences. Our kids loved our tooth fairy; her name was Tanya, and she always brought Derek and Taylor a silver dollar or a $2-dollar bill. They loved writing her notes and putting them (with their teeth) under their pillow at night.

In the below fairly recent text (in black), on December 6, 2024, Derek wanted me to fly to Nashville to help him organize his apartment, after his dad cleaned it. I told Derek that I would not be flying in. Not only did I believe that he, as a 33 year old, should be independent and clean his own place, but I never once went to Derek’s Nashville apartment after he moved in because his dad had been there and believed his place was rigged with spyware. It was nice to read Derek’s words: “I wish I wouldn’t have taken you for granted so much and am truly sorry for the way I’ve treated you.” However, as much as I would like to believe this was true, it also very well could’ve been a manipulation to encourage me to come there and help him out, once again. My goal was not to give Derek temporary fixes, but to instill life lessons to help him see the value in and benefits of being independent.

Derek was very resistent to me when I would suggest that he get completely off any pharma drugs and immediately stop getting any more covid jabs, as I believed they were causing more harm than good. Derek would argue with me and told me that his dad, who is very smart and knows a lot about doctors and medicine, confirms that his mental health diagnosis is real and that the only way to cope is through his prescriptions, therapy and hospitalizations.

It is so very hard for targeted victims, even survivors and thrivers, to go against the narrative of an abusive alienator. Up until right before Derek apparently took his life, I was cautioning Derek about pharma drugs/side effects as well as these injections that were never properly tested to truly be “safe and effective” and which were given to unsuspecting people by force. Side effects can and do include risk of suicide ideation.

I was encouraging Derek to look into the research and documented trials/studies, however he told me once that I was a “conspiracy theorist” and chose to listen to his dad instead. Ultimately, it’s Derek’s choice who to listen to and what to do regarding his own adult body. He knows that I was against all these shots and all that pharma. All I can do is give him some information. Both Derek and Taylor’s medical treatments were directed by their father, who I believe undermined and overruled me every chance he could get. I went along because often I thought he knew better or meant well. This led me to keeping very detailed medical books because our children’s doctor appointments and medications were getting too complicated for me to keep track of without writing it down. I had no idea that our children’s dad would make up so many fabricated stories to tell our kids, especially our daughter, who actually used her medical book against me because she believed a false narrative. Like I have said before, it is very hard for good, honest people to stand up to manipulative, calculating, evil doers. God knows the difference and in the long run, I do believe that light outshines the dark.

OK, back to Derek and Fort Lauderdale. Most every travel vacation that Rick and I went on –and we enjoy seeing the world together— usually had us first flying through FLL or MIA from STX. There were a number of times where we would stop by to take Derek out for dinner (he loved eating lobster.)

Mom loves lobsters too!

Rick and I would stock up Derek’s fridge with groceries, fill his truck with gas, help him organize his paperwork/bills and I would usually end up spending at least a full day scrubbing and cleaning and bringing his piles of dirty work clothes to the laundromat. On one visit I loaded up his truck, took it into town and washed 30 loads of filthy clothes at the laundromat! Derek, who was usually very loving and respectful, wasn’t always, especially when he was using. Plus, in my opinion, he had a childhood of observing my being mistreated and undermined, so he would often revert to treating me poorly in the same way I believe he observed his dad do while he was growing up. On one visit for his birthday 1-5-22 I ended up spending three days trying to put his apartment in order. It was an absolute disaster zone. I worked so hard while he went off to his tree jobs. On this visit, Derek’s disrepect of his loving and hardworking mom was off the charts. I didn’t want to give up on him, but at the same time, I knew that he needed to realize that his behavior was not acceptable. Just like the story about Odysseus’s journey home after the Trojan War, and the struggles he faces along the way, Derek was also struggling with the themes of LOYALTY (between his two parents who parent very differently,) HOSPITALITY (doing the right thing,) and IDENTITY (figuring out his place in the world.) It may be no coincidence that Derek’s major high school graphic arts class project was to create a door –which, as far as I am aware, is still on display at in the English Department hallway at Barrington High School–that offers lessons about perseverance and the value of home. Derek sure was resilient and got back up after he fell. That could also be due to his intense baseball training and sportsmanship philosophy. I remember in high school when Derek and one of his friends made the A team for basketball, yet both boys were never allowed to play in any games or even practice with the team. They both had to get dressed and just sit on the bench. This was so painful to know about. Finally, after almost the entire season, Derek’s friend up and quit the team. Derek’s dad did not allow him to do that, even though Derek was so crushed by the situation; I would find him crying at night in bed about it. Maybe his dad thought the best way to work through this was to show up and act like this rejection didn’t matter to him. As a mom, I thought this was torture, emotional torture. It would have been a better situation for both boys to make the B team and get a chance to play with their classmates. What in the world was this basketball coach thinking? This was wrong on so many levels. In my opinion, however, I do not believe that Derek was ever suicidal before. He was always marching on. However, I’m sure that with each personal rejection and work-related disappointment, which was happening more often with him being fired from various jobs, it was taking its toll on his fragile ego.

I had hoped that Derek and I could talk over dinner this third and final night of my visit. That morning I had put together a crockpot roast and vegetables meal so that it would be ready around 6:30 pm. When Derek came home from work, he said he wasn’t hungry and proceeded to go to his bedroom to play video games. I have never been a big fan of kids, let alone our ADULT 32-year-old son, spending beautiful sunny days or lovely evenings held up in a bedroom alone, clicking buttons and watching screens. When he was a kid, I always joked (however, I was often quite serious) that instead of his “shoot-em-up games” that he should really develop a recycling video game, where the players have to quickly clean up the land and oceans from trash and plastics. Now in his 30’s, Derek was starting to get hooked on virtual reality games, and of course, according to Derek (just like when Derek was younger) he said that his father provided him with every game and piece of electronics equipment that he could ever possibly want, along with the paid subscriptions, to stay in his apartment alone (isolate from the world outside and interactions with people) and entertain himself through these electronics. Another concerning issue is that of being monitored with spyware that is built in to these electronics.

It had to be hard for Derek to navigate his relationships with and advice from both of his parents because our values, views on health and hopes for our son are so polar opposite. I encouraged eating healthy, organic, non-GMO foods and ridding his body of all substances, including pharmaceutical drugs. I suggested he get out of his apartment and step away from all the electronics because they were solo, isolating activities and I felt it was better for him to meet people and get outdoors. I was regularly sending him local MeetUp activities including many hikes and group events for tree restorations to the various Nashville forest preserves, Saturday flag football at the Parthenon, Friday lunch pick-up basketball games, dinner groups for people in their 20’s and 30’s, kayaking, art and cooking classes, free library offerings, farmer’s markets, church groups, even speed dating events. Derek did follow through with some of my suggestions and ended up really enjoying the nature hikes.

On the other hand, according to what Derek told me, he said his dad wanted Derek to be “safe” in his apartment. Derek reiterated that his dad told him that he must be very careful when he leaves his apartment and especially when driving or working because he suffers from mental illness and needs hospitalizations, pharma and therapy. According to Derek, he said that his dad would coordinate and pay for all of his medical care as well, but I personally believe he did this so he could manage the narrative. When I asked Derek on a few ocassions about how he ended up in psych wards, and if he didn’t call for the ambulance rides, who did? Derek told me that his dad would be the one to call the police to alert them of Derek on the side of the road or that he has had a mental episode with erratic, dangerous behavior. So Derek would rarely seek treatment on his own, it was a coordinated effort from his dad to help get him get “safe.” Derek knew that I looked at the mental health profession with a more critical eye than his dad, especially from my experience with his dad’s constant coordinating of his sister’s medical-psychological care and treatment that I was against.

I had to keep such detailed medical books for both Derek and Taylor because I just couldn’t remember all the doctors, diagnosis and medicines. I was constantly disagreeing with their dad about Taylor’s care; I was constantly overruled and undermined. As a career special education teacher, knowing the harm that labeling kids can do, I did not ever want our daughter labeled, medicated, receiving intensive therapy and made to feel different. I was so against putting pharma in our kids’ healthy bodies. Yes, I thought I was doing the right thing when it came to following though on annual physical exams at the pediatrician’s office and the administration of the doctor-recommended childhood vaccinations, however now that I know more about these injections, I wish that I had done more research back then and questioned the pediatrician more. I have always wanted our son Derek and daughter Taylor to live their best, healthiest and happiest life. Derek had found a few tangible ways to find comfort when he was stressed, so that he wouldn’t turn back to using pot or other drugs. I also sent him many adult coloring books and meditation videos.

I am now very leery of the medical establishment in general, especially after learning the documented truth behind the covid jabs and the coverups from the CDC and FDA, as well as the misdiagnosis, lack of study trials, covering up of data (redacting documents and keeping them sealed for 75 years!) and the treatment protocols being the cause of such high mortality rates in recent years–millions of healthy people “died suddenly” of natural causes in their 20’s. We were devastated to learn that one of our friends’ (who we met in Thailand) previously healthy 23-year-old daughter “died suddenly” after receiving the jab. Then shocking to learn about the millions of others who have had a similar fate, believing the “experts” that they were doing the right thing for themselves, their loved ones and the public at large. Rick and I never once bought into this “plandemic” narrative. Yes, we got sick, but used proven, long-standing anti-parasitic medicines and natural remedies to improve our health. We chose never to have any experimental, dangerous injections. We cancelled several world travels due to the restrictions-requirements that we were not in agreement with. That was fine by us, as we live a relatively self-sustainable life in our secluded, secure and high-security-enforced rainforest haven and didn’t need to travel during the government imposed and unlawful and unconstitutional “lockdowns.”

Derek and I did not see eye-to-eye on this, even though he once said to me that I was the smartest person he has ever known. Derek openly shared with me that he got seven shots-boosters and told me that he would prefer to take his dad’s advice, because according to Derek, his dad knows more about medical issues. Derek is an adult. Although I’m his mom and want to share my thoughts on serious matters, it’s his body and his choice. My heart breaks to think that our beautiful daughter, who, in my opinion, has endured such medical mistreatment against my wishes, would go along with and feel pressured to comply by poisoning her body. I have no idea how she is health-wise as I’ve been alienated from her going on 11 years now; I hope and pray that she is doing well. We as a human race, have become so trusting and complacent over the years, following the self-proclaimed “experts.”

At least now with the much needed change in governmental administration, the lies we’ve been told for decades are slowly coming out, corruption is being exposed and investigations are being made, which will bring the truth to the forefront and might change policy, along with many people’s perspectives. There will always be those who will justify and defend their poor decisions, and will deny the facts that are revealed. Luckily we still live in a land of choices, freedom of speech and first amendment freedoms. People have the freedom to choose their own medical protocol, just like they can choose who to vote for and represent them in government. I’m an accepting individual and don’t force my view on anyone, not even on our adult children. I encourage people to do their own research and make decisions that they feel are right for them. Not everyone uses critical thinking regarding these recent national and global issues, so usually intelligent, common-sense leaning people didn’t and still don’t question the narrative for themselves, their grandparents, their friends or their children, including the tiniest babies. Then add in the great divide politically, and you have a lot of relationships being challenged that wouldn’t have previously.

Before I chose to go “No Contact” a few years ago with my own father and brother, Rick and I wanted to treat them and their wives to an all-expenses-paid, once-in-a-lifetime-vacation to our island home in St. Croix. Their wives declined, and I never heard from either one of them since, but my dad and brother came out for us to celebrate my dad’s 90th birthday in July 2021.

I still love and have always loved my dad and brother dearly, and we did have some great times together on this trip, including enjoying live music on the Lyric Sails, snorkeling at Buck Island and the Frederiksted pier, eating fresh grilled Caribbean lobster, chilling in the pool and sightseeing around the island, however our comfortable connection changed when the issues of “vaccinations” and political leanings came up; my dad and brother do not have the same opinions as me on either. I choose the approach of agreeing to disagree, however, Rick and I felt uncomfortably bullied and challenged on every front. That was the catalyst to my looking deeper into the dynamics of my relationship with my dad and brother. Just because they are family does not mean they must be in our day-to-day lives, especially if things have become stressful and toxic. 

So many revelations presented themselves to me around and after that visit. I write about my feelings in my book series:

“True Deceit False Love.“

Actually, my yellow free-verse poetry book is where I could personalize my writing more, which was instrumental in my healing. I found writing helped to make sense of so much that I’ve gone through, and partaking in these literary endeavors turned out to be extremely therapeutic on my life’s journey. But the real reason for my relatively recent choice not to engage further with my dad, sadly began on January 9, 2021. My father, who was an ivy league academic, questioned my Harvard credentials, and then challenged my number one value, which is honesty. He went on to use common narcissistic gaslighting statements, discounting me on many levels. It really hurt, but it was the wake-up call that was years overdue. I don’t believe in coincidences, only synchronicities, and just after I read his email, an article just so happened to pop up on my feed regarding covert, malignant narcissists and the phrases they use to gaslight their targets.

Sure enough, the EXACT words my dad wrote were the EXACT words in this article. You just can’t make this shit up. He wrote: “Oh, c’mon. Don’t be so sensitive. I have in effect told you that I was mistaken. Put it behind you.”

This was the moment that, in my 60’s, I finally figured out why I married someone very much like my dad in many ways. It is said that this is common. The email exchange I had with my dad on that game changing date is below:

I had to face the fact, that not only did I believe that I was a severely targeted mom in my 27-year marriage, but that I believe I experienced family narcissistic abuse and was also an Adult Child Survivor of extreme Parental Alienation.

I have really learned a lot and grown a lot as a result of writing my 8-book series

“TRUE DECEIT FALSE LOVE.“

In fact, on January 6, 2025, my brown glossary book won the 2025 Hope PYX Global Award!

My latest quick-read book, endorsed by Dr. Jennifer J. Harman, a world-renowned scientific Parental Alienation researcher and written from the perspective of an Adult Child Survivor, has also been helpful in processing it all. I never wanted to be in this club, but here I am.

Setting healthy boundaries actually gives people in your life the opportunity to STAY in your life. But it also reveals people’s true colors, which is very painful to realize. Educating ourselves on the red flags to look for

and then acknowledging the general playbook behaviors of these types is key to making some decisions about who you let or keep in your day-to-day.

Understanding and taking ownership for our own foundational patterns, deficiencies, abandonment issues, responses, thought processes and expectations, opens our eyes to what we have tolerated for years. Many of us empaths (myself included) are over-givers and/or people-pleasers. We keep returning, especially if they are family, even when we know the relationship is not healthy or balanced. It is very hard to make the choice to step away from others, especially if they are family, you love them so much and have had many positive times with them. Heck, it’s tough to realize that your own parent is narcissistic and is abusing you, especially when you owe them so much; they gave you life, they took care of you since birth, feeding you, changing your diapers, giving you experiences to enrich you. Plus, there are societal pressures that keep us tolerating bad and abusive behavior from our family, because they are your family and it is expected that you stay connected to them no matter what. Dr. Sherrie Campbell is a great resource to check out when you begin to realize that your own parents and family are abusing you. Stepping away from my dad and brother isn’t to punish them by any means; I am not a revengeful or vindictive person. I am grateful for all they did for me my entire life. However, I now see things clearer. This reminds me of one of Derek’s favorite songs by Johnny Nash: “I can see clearly now.”

Derek’s paternal grandma Dolores, used to call Derek “Johnny,” probably because his middle name was John. Who knows? She also called him her “baby spare rib.” She had a thing about names and went by an alias when she was making dinner reservations; she would put the reservation under “Mr. & Mrs. Black.” Derek’s dad told me once that he used another name, John J. Johnson, for one of his secret online accounts; actually that name was listed in our family contacts/addresses with one of Kerry’s many email addresses. Derek’s dad was a pretender, and seemed to me to want to appear single when in fact he was married; he never wore his wedding ring (the one he insisted on buying for $45 at a department store), saying that he just didn’t like jewelry. But maybe there was another reason. Kerry never gave me an engagement ring, and sent me out to pick out my own wedding band. That can be seen as very considerate, and that’s how I looked at it, however my romantic engagement fantasies were crushed. Getting back to my visit with family and the fallout the ensued… If things were different, I would probably still want both my dad and my brother in my life. I very easily could have just carried on the way things were indefinitely; but I need to finally value myself and my well-being, and feel strongly about living honestly. I need to accept that none of my family members, not my dad (or his 3rd wife), not my brother (and his wife, who I thought I was close with) or any of my uncles or cousins, have made any effort for any meaningful communication with me in recent years. I seemed to be the one who would regularly reach out and connect, and it really began to feel like these relationships were one-sided. You really learn the shocking truth about people and their priorities when you stop being the initiator, realizing that these relationships are not at all what you thought they were. There comes a time when you need to accept the situation for what it is, and choose to love yourself more. Sometimes, like in the case of both my dad’s and brother’s wives, you don’t have to make a decision, as they do that for you by being the ones who stop any contact. It’s sad that we can misjudge people and situations for decades. I made this tough decision to prioritize myself by deciding that authenticity, not just family or familiarity, must take a front seat for the remainder of my life, if nothing else, but for my own self-preservation. The reactions and resulting and predictable smear campaign and badmouthing me behind my back, also follow the same narcissistic playbook, and I’ve experienced enough of that. It wouldn’t surprise me if my family members begin to align with and reconnect with my ex Kerry now that Derek has died, even though at one point my ex and his criminal-divorce lawyer actually threatened to sue my dad.

It’s true. My dad was threatened with a lawsuit by his son-in-law and his criminal-divorce attorney because my dad honestly stated that he and I edited and helped write a good part of Kerry’s doctoral dissertation. You see, my dad spoke the truth, and Kerry felt very threatened that the truth would somehow be viewed as negative, even though there’s nothing wrong with getting some help with your writing. My dad argued that it would be dishonest to retract his statement, but eventually was coerced into doing just that because of the law fare. Actually, I didn’t even think about getting a degree beyond my masters or begin working on my doctorate until AFTER Kerry completed all of his Ed.D. coursework. I ended up completing my program AND my dissertation in record time before Kerry agreed to let me help him get started on his dissertation. One day I just pulled out all of his work and spread it around the house to encourage him to follow through with the completion of his doctoral program. I loved my husband and didn’t want to see him do all the coursework but not the final requirement needed for the degree; I didn’t want him to be ABD: All-But-Dissertation, especially since he put a great deal of time into the program, first earning his Ed.S. Educational Specialist degree. My loving marital support encouraged him to want to finish his program. After my father and I did all that work to help Kerry complete his dissertation and did all of his final edits so he could earn his doctorate degree, it turns out Kerry chose to never formally submit his dissertation as required, however, he was awarded the degree. Bizarre. I certainly was required to turn in my final, edited and accepted dissertation when I earned my doctorate degree in 1997; my dissertation was entered into a public online database with a printed, bound copy cataloged in the Northern Illinois University library and the Library of Congress. Kerry also chose not to attend his Ed.D. graduation ceremony, which is no big deal as not everyone goes to ceremonies; my dad never even attended our wedding ceremony in 1988! I never went to my own bachelor’s or master’s ceremony, but did with my doctorate as it was such an accomplishment to earn, while raising a family and teaching full-time. Anyway, with regards to these family relationships that have evolved to unhealthy levels, at some point it’s best to love these people from afar, even though they were once such a big part of your life. So, enough on that. Here I am again, putting my pen to paper…or more specifically…typing my thoughts as they come about the loss of our son Derek, which also takes me down tangents and rabbit holes as I sort out all my emotions and experiences. LOSING DEREK HAS BEEN ONE OF THE BIGGEST SHOCKS TO MY SOUL.

I TRULY BELIEVE THAT DEREK IS NOW IN A BETTER PLACE, A MORE LOVING DIMENSION WITH JESUS.

Derek shared with me that he was stressed about “not having any space” because his dad would regularly communicate with whichever psychologist or psychiatrist was working with him, and he believed that his dad was providing a backstory and false narrative, and because he was coordinating and paying for Derek’s “care”, the doctors would then cater to his dad and not him. I did not engage further in these conversations, because I told Derek that those discussions should be between his dad and him, not me. I was not involved with what they had arranged. Derek recently confided in me about his being sexually abused earlier in his life. I had suspected that, just because he seemed to have some sensitive relationship and personal issues, many of which he shared with me. I suggested that Derek speak with someone about it, but that’s as far as my response went. I figured it took a lot of courage for him to even talk with me about something so personal and sensitive, so I didn’t want to bombard him with questions. I do wonder if Derek ever shared with his dad or these professionals about his being sexually abused as a child by someone close, as Derek said, “possibly a family member” or when he said he was molested later around 8th grade/frosh HS connected with St. Anne’s. I asked for specifics, but didn’t press him after he told me he didn’t want to share any names or details, and because I just wanted him to talk, however, Derek did not elaborate on whether it happened at church or school or if it was by a staff, student or just happened to be at that location. Maybe the situation was too uncomfortable for him to discuss with others, which is understandable. Or maybe he already did talk with his dad or a therapist and was focused on working through this trauma. I don’t know. With regards to Derek regularly attending support group meetings to “focus on his sobriety,” when I was asked, and sometimes when I offered unsolicited advice (as parents often do) I told Derek that I believed he should find a BALANCE in his life between constantly going to NA or AA meetings, surrounding himself with others who struggle with addictions among a wide array of other issues, and that he might be better off to sometimes hang out with people who have less trauma, who just enjoyed life, while they navigated working fulltime. Derek told me that anyone who attends these recovery group meetings can access their drug of choice because there is always someone willing to deal and get others hooked back in. Maybe Derek continued his recreational addictions through these organizations that were supposed to help steer people away from that. Boy, did I take a detour. I guess I’m still sorting things out, at the same time grieving the loss of our son. I will miss him so much, everyday, but will cherish the times we had together. It always meant a lot when he would voluntarily reach out to me on special days, especially since birthdays, holidays and other milestones because for so many years, those special days have been taken away from me.

A while back I was talking about when I visited Derek for his birthday on January 5, 2022, but ended up doing three days of deep cleaning. I had hoped we would have dinner together on that third day, but Derek wanted to play video games in his bedroom instead. After an hour or so, I knocked on Derek’s bedroom door and he let me in. Their was pot smell in the room, and of course any type of smoking in the apartment is prohibited. I went closer to the bed so we could talk, and saw that he was high and went to tap him on the shoulder. Just then a glass marijuana pipe fell out of his grasp and broke into pieces on the floor. Without even thinking, Derek’s automatic reaction was to kick my arm, resulting in breaking my wrist. But what was worse is that Derek could care less that he hurt his mom both physically and emotionally.

Fast forward to his upcoming Nashville employment search. I had provided Derek with an updated resume, as I always did and helped him fill out his online or paper job applications.

After many interviews, mostly for tree climbing jobs, since that was his passion and what he had the most experience with… Derek landed a great drilling job at Enviroprobe and made plans to relocate.

Derek made the final choice on wanting to live in the Knolls Apartment Complex. He was unable to show proof of employment with 3x his salary, and the only way he could secure this great and perfectly located apartment was for me to cosign his lease. We discussed this and he assured me that he would make sure he would always budget to be able to pay his monthly rent. I can’t tell you how many budgets we created together! I was happy to help him out, and even offered to pay for his electric utility bill and his washer/dryer rental, but ONLY for his first year. Per Derek’s request, I made and revised many monthly budgets for him. Even as recent as October 28, 2024 I was suggesting a budget and a way to save money.

Things were really shaping up for Derek on this new Nashville opportunity. We really had a great week together in October, staying at the Drury Inn near the airport and working as a tag-team on a quest to secure Derek’s awesome opportunities.

After so many moves and inconsistent employment situations, this was Derek’s last chance to make things work out for himself. Neither one of us would have ever guessed that this was literally Derek’s final chance, not only in work, but in life… and this final outcome was not only truly shocking, it would turn out to be truly final.

Right before the move, the two of us embarked on an amazing and fun 2023 Christmas Florida mother-son road trip, before Derek’s January move-in date. Wow! All our planning and coordinating was going to pay off, and this new move was really happening. Our Florida road trip was such a blast! I had it all scheduled out with detailed reservations for everything. To make it fun, the plan was that I would not tell Derek where we were going each day until we got there, so each locale would be a surprise. He loved this and felt very cared for and special. Look at how healthy and happy he looked without his mind corrupted by mood-altering drugs.

After our crazy-delicious all-you-can eat crab legs and peel-your-own shrimp brunch at our favorite Blue Moon Fish Company at Lauderdale-by-the-Sea, right on the Florida Intercoastal Waterway,

per Derek’s request, we first headed out to see the famous and largest Champion Tree in Palm Beach County. (This is one of my absolute favorite photos of Derek, he just loved the beauty and majesty of this unique tree.)

Derek and I rode horses, I got him some western gear (including his first cowboy hat and a few bolos) and we went to a rodeo at the Westgate River Ranch; his favorite part was seeing the wild horses prance around the arena. He was happy and confident, and comfortable initiating communications with others, including cute girls, who were everywhere in this little western haven, oddly located in Florida. This River Ranch experience was a last-minute find; originally I planned for us to spend a day/night at Club Med’s all-inclusive Sandpiper Resort, where Derek and I could play golf, tennis, swim and even learn the trapeze! Club Med had to temporarily close for renovations, so I went to “plan B” which turned out to be a great choice.

Click on the blue link to see Derek on a horse for the first time in years:

HorsebackRiding

Derek tried his hand at jet-surfing in a very chilly Clermont lake, which was colder and much harder than it looked.

Click on the link to see Derek’s amazing skill at Jet Surfing:

On this next morning, Derek woke up and asked where we were going today. Just like he saw in the commercial plug by the Superbowl winning quarterback, I said, “Derek, we’re going to Disney World!” He was so excited! We explored many cultural exhibitions and  sciences at the Disney’s EPCOT theme park. When the kids were younger I planned a family trip to Disney. Taylor fell in love with Figment (of your imagination) and Derek remembered that, so we had to see Figment in honor of his sister!

In fact, when she was much younger, Taylor begged me to buy her a Figment keychain, and promised that she would use it when she got her first car. She kept her promise! The penny we found below is dated 1995, Taylor’s birth year. I am always seeing signs from the universe and finding 1995 dated pennies from Heaven!

Click on the link to see a previous time I was at Epcot and was hoping Figment and I could reach Taylor:

Also, I took Taylor to Florida to look into colleges. We toured so many schools; even though I was divorcing her dad, I did not ever alienate her from him and I thought it would be the right thing to do to tour Jacksonville University, where her dad earned his undergrad.

Derek and I kept driving up the coastline. We toured NASA’s Kennedy Space Center (which he was absolutely fascinated with.)

My life partner Rick is also fascinated with the skies. Rick enjoys his two (30″ & 20″) Obsession telescopes back home in St. Croix, and we recently went on a Sky & Telescope sponsored Eclipse Cruise. 

Our first observing together was the Harmon Game Reserve in Dixon, Illinois.

The last destination on our mother-son road trip involved Derek clocking 157.4 mph during his very own private Daytona Speedway’s Racing Experience. Derek had an absolute blast and loved this final Christmas surprise. We stayed that night at the official Daytona “autograph collection” hotel. As great as our short Christmas mom-son road trip was, that very night Derek treated me very poorly. He acted like a completely different person. Who knows why the change. Possibly withdrawals or maybe he used?!?! At least he apologized the next morning and I was able to drive back to Fort Lauderdale without any incidents. This “walking on eggshells” was stressful.

Click on the blue link to see Derek entering his race car at the Daytona International Speedway:

DaytonaNASCAR

We power-shopped the souvenirs, western wear and hiking gear at Buc-ees

before heading back to Fort Lauderdale for him to pick up the Frontier truck (that Rick and I bought him outright) so he could make the drive to the Knolls and his new life in Nashville, Tennessee.

I had done some early planning for the next year’s mother-son Christmas road trip, but always made it clear to Derek that I could cancel the plans if he chose to spend the holidays with his dad, friends or just wanted to be alone. I just wanted him to have another fun vacation to look forward to. He knew about the Tennessee Gatlinburg snowboarding trip possibility the first month he was in Nashville, but on my deadline of 11-11-2024 (when I could get refunds on air and hotels) he let me know that he did not want to go, by NOT telling me that he did want to go, plus he never said anything after 11/11/2024 when I sent him the crossed out itinerary. I did not want him to feel bad about choosing not to go; this was all about him and not me. I ended up making other last-minute holiday plans with Rick to go to Morrocco in Africa. I had no idea that Derek would sadly pass just over two months from that date.

During our mother-son Christmas 2023 road trip and in the beginning of January 2024, Derek was happy, healthy, humble and hopeful. He was sober and free from ALL pharmaceuticals and recreational drugs. He was clear-headed, his skin was glowing and he had a hop in his step. Derek was excited about life and this new move-opportunity and expressed sincere appreciation that his mom never gave up on him, and encouraged him to be independent, as he knows that I KNOW he is capable, worthy and very much loved and accepted, and as he would always say in jest… “and gosh darnit, people like me.”

Derek just recently pulled out a copy of my favorite poem, “My Symphony” by William Henry Channing and posted it on his facebook page, resting it on his leg while sitting in his truck, most-likely stopped, taking a morning cigar break. This was my mother’s favorite poem and before she passed away; she gave me a framed copy of it that I still treasure to this day. I believe Derek and my mom, his “Granni”, are connected in Heaven and together working to reach Taylor so she can question the possible false narrative she’s been possibly brainwashed with. Together, Granni and Grandson. Maybe their souls will shed light on the darkness of Parental Alienation.

Now back to the devastating day of Saturday, January 18, 2025. Derek called me in the early morning at 8:00 am Nashville time after opening up my WhatsApp meme regarding my paying his final electric bill. Derek and I have ALWAYS been very close and regularly check in with each other, despite what I believe are his father’s ongoing and never-ending efforts to brainwash Derek to reject me, like I believe he successfully did with Derek’s sister. Our 8-minute conversation was pleasant. He wanted to know how I was, asked about Rick and asked how our Christmas-New Year’s Morocco trip was (even though he knew my first vacation choice was to do a mother-son Tennessee road trip to Gatlinburg to go snowboarding at Ober Mountain… a trip that was extensively planned for a year, but that Derek did not want to go on, letting me know on 11-11-24.)

Derek asked me how things were “on the island”…if we had been snorkeling recently

and if I had caught any more boa constrictor snakes (the count is now over 60 since our move here in 2019; here’s me just waking up to boa #23)

I reiterated that I would be paying Derek’s final electric bill;

our deal was that I would be the Guarantor on his apartment, pay for his washer-dryer rental and his electric, ONLY for the first year, and then he was on his own. Derek expressed appreciation for my financial jump-start and was very understanding about it coming to an end, thanking me for all I had done. He knew this was the deal and it was just part of the longstanding plan. I was hoping Derek would be independent and take over the monthly rental fee for the washer and dryer, however Derek told me that because it was “Black Friday sales in November” his dad was just going to buy him a new washer and dryer, and it was already scheduled to be delivered to his apartment. This was another of his father’s undermining actions against my trying to help Derek be independent and pay/earn his own way.

Derek knew that HE had to always be responsible for paying his monthly rent after my initially setting him up with his move-in costs after paying thousands to Om Trucking to shlep his belongings and mom-purchased furniture from the Executive Manor Apartments in Fort Lauderdale to the Knolls Apartments in Nashville. Derek also knew, probably because I would say it all the time and send him quotes, books and affirmations, that my goal for him was for him to make it on his own and that I believed that he would feel more confident and capable if he were to be able to pay for all of his expenses by himself. Unfortunately for Derek’s independence, sense of responsibility and self-worth, I believe, and he confirmed, that he had been getting financial support with his rent from his dad, which not only undermined my trying to instill the life lessons that help young adults grow in their character, but I believe this financial “help” from his dad contributed to Derek’s lack of urgency to get/keep steady employment. As his loving and encouraging mom, I wanted Derek to be independent, involved, happy and healthy.

On one visit, Derek handed me this small business card. He told me to keep it as a souvenir. I couldn’t figure it out at first. Derek told me that a few years back his dad made up this “Mentally ill” business card for him, an adult man, to carry around at all times, and hand out to people if he was having an awkward moment.

I was in disbelief when Derek showed me his “mentally ill” card that his dad created for Derek. This gave me such an uncomfortable feeling, and I really felt bad for Derek. I believed, but didn’t say to Derek, that this was a form of brainwashing, so that every time he went into his wallet he would be reminded that he is so very mentally ill that he needed to carry around a “JOKER”-like card around. This card felt to me like it was a form of gaslighting, which was demeaning and downright cruel to do to your own ADULT child! Not only did I not buy into this psychiatric diagnosis, but for his physical and emotional health, I was vehemetly against Derek taking all these pharma drugs, with all their serious and even deadly side effects. I really believe that our bodies can heal themselves and a more natural approach is safer. When our daughter was younger and throughout her childhood until I was alienated from her when she was 20 years old, her dad did a similar thing with her. He insisted that she go to one doctor after another, and that her young body would benefit from medication. I tried to stand up for myself, and for our daughter, to convince him that going the natural route, with organic foods and vitamins and healthy practices was much better for our kids.

I was always overruled and undermined. I guess I wasn’t as strong back then as I am now. That’s why I kept such detailed medical books; I couldn’t keep track of all these (what I believed were unnecessary and surely were unhealthy medical, psychological and psychiatric) interventions. Getting back to the morning of Saturday, January 18, 2025. On our call, Derek told me that he had an interview at the Bartlett Tree Company the day prior and was looking forward to his next meeting on Monday. (after Derek’s death, I contacted Bartlett Tree company, shared that Derek had passed away Saturday, but I had only found out Sunday, and they confirmed that Derek had a great first interview on Friday… getting along and joking with the other guys… and that he was lined up on Monday with a second interview, so Derek was telling me the truth about this.) All seemed just fine. Derek had a lot to look forward to.

Looking back and analyzing our 8-minute, early Saturday morning conversation to see if there were any clues to understand the tragic events that would unfold later on that night, I thought it very odd that out of the blue Derek’s tone changed some and he told me that he remembers me telling him that my late mom had restless leg syndrome and she would always start and stop the car, and that in addition to him needing to take psychotropic, mood-altering medicines for the mental illness he has been told and believes that he has (schizoaffective disorder) and that now, because of “inheriting” my mom’s condition, he can’t operate machinery, which may affect his options for work. This conversation took an odd turn. I told him my mom never had restless leg syndrome and that I never relayed that information to him. He said he was clear in his memory about this. I am an Adult Child Survivor of Parental Alienation, so I have firsthand experience believing things about one of your parents that later on you find out isn’t true. My own father engaged in commonly-observed gaslighting tactics to get us children to reject our mom (involuntarily committing her in psych wards, smearing her name to our neighbors and teachers, and having her endure shock treatments which altered her both mentally and physically, plus all three of us young children were forced to take the stand to testify at the Waukegan Family Courthouse.) The severe sibling rivalry between myself and my brothers was allowed to go unchecked. Our family was broken and dysfunctional. Below are pictures of me with my younger brothers, Jay and Judd. 

Unless these Intergenerational Abuse and Post-Abuse Cycles end, then the trauma continues through the generations. I hate to quote the title of a recent, law-fare charged Domestic Violence movie, but “it ends with us.”

I reminded Derek that in general, parents who engage in covert alienation will implant false memories to slowly brainwash their kids to reject their loving parent, and they often gaslight their own kids so they question their reality and beliefs. They don’t want their kids to see what they saw or hear what they heard. The alienating parents have a narrative which they want to get others to buy into. I already knew that the fictitious narrative told to our kids about me was that their maternal side of the family had mental illness, and the paternal side was perfect.

No family is perfect, and kids should never be made to feel that half of themselves is damaged. Abusers engage in projection, and will accuse their ex of lying, cheating and stealing… when in fact, THEY are often the ones lying, cheating and stealing. And then when their targets end up surviving their abuse and actually living a wonderful life despite them, like I have been able to do, they go on a full-blown mission to destroy you by any means.

I had no idea that our Saturday morning (1/18/25) phone call would be our last. Even though Derek didn’t seem to want to talk further, which was no big deal, I certainly never got the impression he was suicidal. If I did, I would have immediately called the police (not the apartment manager) to check on him right away. Before Derek and I ended our call, we said how much we loved each other and that we would talk later.

After our call ended (which sadly was the last time we ever spoke), I wanted Derek to realize that the story about my mom’s restless leg syndrome was not true, and may be an implanted tactic to indirectly erode his relationship to me and my side of the family. So, since I knew he still had his phone on, I immediately sent Derek a short, easy-to-read, 2-sentence post on False Memories implanted by Parent Alienators.

I saw that Derek had read it because of the two blue checkmarks on the lower right corner of the WhatsApp conversation. (see above) He never did open or “read” the following meme on False Memories and Parental Alienation (no two blue checkmarks.)

I could tell that Derek’s self-esteem was low. You see, he has shared with me numerous times that he never seems to be good enough or perform as expected. Derek says that he feels like he is a disappointment to his dad. I never wanted to play into a reaction that would call out his dad, even though Derek may be spot on. Again, when Derek would bring up his dad and some concern he had, I never engaged and suggested that he talk directly with his dad to let him know how he felt. I have ALWAYS assured Derek that BOTH parents love him, we are just two very different people when it comes to our beliefs about parenting, our values, our behaviors and how we express our love. I’ll never forget the day when Derek called me crying and told me that his dad compared him to his other Barrington High School classmates and teammates, as well as his two cousins, noting their successes with high paying jobs, their educational degrees and great relationships, as opposed to where Derek was in his life. Derek loved BOTH his dad and mom. He should be able to love BOTH of his parents. 

I have ALWAYS encouraged Derek to have a great relationship with his dad, as I firmly believe that kids need to and should have BOTH parents in their lives. I just think adult children are capable enough of figuring out their parents’ personality type, and making some choices that will will honor who they are.

Unfortunately, not all exes think that way. They may say they do when they are talking to the young or adult children to make themselves look honorable, however, their underhanded gaslighting actions speak louder than words, and slowly erode the kids’ perceptions of the targeted parent.

Derek always wanted his dad’s approval, especially ever since Derek’s baseball years that ultimately didn’t turn out as his dad had hoped, planned and invested in. Derek’s position was that of catcher and his jersey number for MOST of his baseball teams was 14, just like his dad’s position of catcher and number-14. Derek’s football jersey number was #85 and his American Legion baseball jersey number was #8.

Derek seemed to live and breathe baseball growing up, often playing on multiple leagues simultaneously. Although he did play in other sports as well. Derek really seemed to enjoy playing volleyball on the St. Anne’s team. I even was recruited to be a scorer for awhile.

Derek and his sister Taylor enjoyed their martial arts lessons with FOCUS karate in Lake-in-the-Hills. 

Taylor even took a karate class at Harper Community College in Palatine, and invited me to see her “final exam” where she flipped the instructor! I am updating this on the last day of March, 3-31-2025, and came across a video I took of Taylor flipping and being flipped by her classmates, and then receiving her yellow belt. Taylor was so adorable. I’ve always thought she is the most beautiful girl in the world, and it was great to revisit this clip to see her gorgeousness in action. I miss my beautiful “kiss-girl” so much, and look forward to the day she reaches out to me.

Here is Derek with his friends Christopher and Paul.

And his friend Andrew, with Coach Wire.

This meant a ton of laundry for me to do because Derek sure did like sliding into bases and getting covered in dirt. I have always loved doing our family’s wash and actually still enjoy being a “laundress.” In fact, I volunteered to do the baseball team’s laundry when Derek played in Italy and Belgium, often drying the uniforms out along the baseball field fences.

One day Derek hit a Grand Slam. I was no expert in baseball, just a busy mom who would sit on the sidelines making sure Derek’s sister Taylor didn’t eat too much candy from the concession stand, but I knew it was pretty awesome when Derek’s bat hit the ball just at the perfect angle, that he began running around the bases at the same time all of his teammates that were waiting on the bases began running from 1st, 2nd and 3rd to home plate. I was so happy for Derek, shouting my usual: “way to go my oompy-doompy of loompy,” but then saw his dad head over to where Derek was and give Derek a coaching lesson on correcting his swing stance. My heart broke as I witnessed the elation and confidence in Derek’s face subside. Derek was also disheartened when he told me that he knew that his dad had intentionally inflated and altered the numbers on his baseball stats resume to make him look better than he was for some baseball showcase event. Derek learned to lie early in his life. 

I was blessed to get to know Paul, one of Derek’s teammates and a real true friend from a close neighborhood in Lake Barrington, pictured here with Derek when we met up for brunch and bowling at Pinstripes in the Arboretum of South Barrington on May 26, 2019.

Paul is one of the kindest, most respectful and generous young men who I’ve ever had the honor of meeting, and I’ve met a lot of great young men during my 35-year high school teaching career. I am forever grateful to Paul and his wonderful parents, who selflessly helped me out on a number of occasions during a time of great need: when my American Dream was coming to a crashing halt and I had to vacate our family home. First, there’s Paul’s mom, who Derek would lovingly refer to as “Aunt Jan.”

Jan met me in the middle of night at Lutheran General Hospital after I rescued Derek and flew him home from Washington State after one of the worst, drug-induced scenarios he ever experienced. (I write out the entire story in a chapter in my first book “God Came To My Garage Sale,” as it is still too painful to recount and in a bizarre twist, a photo I took of Derek on this most terrible day, is the photo his father Kerry chose to use on his St. Anne funeral service program with the title “A Life Well Lived.”) I didn’t tell Derek we were going straight to the hospital after getting off the plane. As we were driving and he saw an exit sign for Palatine, he told me that I missed our stop. But I told him we had to do something else first. Jan met us at the hospital. I vividly remember my husband acting nice and polite to Paul’s mom Jan at baseball games, while saying such demeaning statements about her behind her back to me; and instructing me to stay away from her. Now that I’ve learned a thing or two about personality disordered narcissistic people, I realize that the opposite was true; that she was a great person who could become a great friend, and because she could possibly positively impact my life, she had to be weeded out. Abusers gaslight and put down those that may lift their victim up. They are evil predators who want to isolate their targeted prey.

Paul and his generous, hard-working father Bob, later on would selflessly serve as my only lifeline when I needed to move out of our Victoria Woods subdivision home. They tirelessly helped me load and unload furniture and boxes for my initial move to Palatine, and then a couple of years later to Plum Tree Road in Barrington Hills to Rick’s storage garage when I was needing to stage my townhome before getting ready to load up our stuff into a shipping container to begin our new life in the Caribbean. Mr. Rathmann understood the urgency and timing regarding my situation. At one point, we had a major obstacle with regards to the trailer tires.

Bob, who is a mechanical genius, spent hours with Paul working just as hard in the dark on the side of the road fixing the problem so that we could meet the deadlines. I was in such awe of this father’s unconditional love for his son, as it was more authentic than anything I had ever witnessed in my life, not from my own father, uncles or grandfathers, and certainly not from our children’s father. Rick and I did see them again when the Rathmann Family was vacationing in Disney World, while we were passing through the Florida area. We had only one day to meet up, and that happened to be Mother’s Day.

All holidays without your children are hard, but Mother’s Day was a tough day for me, in that I didn’t have either our son because he was trying to survive out west or our daughter because she was alienated from my life and I didn’t even know where her dad had moved her to. I was unable to even reach out to them. Most kids do the reaching out to their moms on Mother’s Day. Paul and his entire  family welcomed us both. I imagined hugging our son and daughter when Paul gave me such a warm parent-child embrace. My heart was heavy, but this beautiful family, who very naturally gives service in the name of God, filled a huge void in my broken heart.

Over time, the Rathmanns and I lost touch, however I will be eternally grateful for their specific (not just “random”) acts of pure kindness. After enduring the fallout of my ex’s neighborhood smear campaign, where I basically lost all relationships I thought were true… plus with Derek’s passing and his father not including me in anything related to his death or memorial service, it would be too emotionally painful for me to reconnect with Paul and his lovely parents, now that Derek is gone. Plus, Paul is close friends with the son of my ex’s fiance, and Jan is most likely friendly with his mother, who we lived next door to for the entirety of our time in Fox River Grove. The situation is just too close for comfort. I hope and pray that Paul and his parents would understand and I’m sending them my sincere appreciation through this post. I know that they loved Derek and cared for me during that challenging time, and for that, I thank them from the bottom of my heart. I must step away, only because I have to look out for my shattered, but strong and recovering soul. Luckily by the grace of God and my own efforts, I have reclaimed my life and I am blessed in so many ways beyond my wildest dreams. Paul, Jan and Bob will always hold a special place in my heart; the Rathmanns are beautiful Angels on earth. 

I was surprised when this very kind young man from our neighborhood, who lived several houses down the road, who is a few years older than Derek and the eldest of 4 siblings, showed up at the “Derek Tree” surprise party I held for our son at the Palatine Midtown Club. I had heard that this older neighbor struggled with addictions as well. He seemed to intuitively understand Derek’s struggles, and he generously gifted Derek with his first chainsaw. Maybe he knew something that others didn’t, maybe about drugs, maybe specifically about Derek’s drug use or that overdose situation when he was in high school, but maybe he also knows about Derek being sexually abused, as he knew Derek growing up and his family were also St. Anne Catholic Church parishioners.

I’m not sure who wrote this, but this statement is beautiful: “Friendship is like a tree. It is not measured on how tall it could be, but how deep the roots have grown.”

At some point later on when Derek had moved out of state, Derek told me that he was confused why his dad would isolate him from his friends by actually calling up his high school classmates and teammates to falsely say he was suicidal and to stay away from him/not reach out to him. I know firsthand that this actually happened because one of those friends (Paul, who helped me move out of our foreclosed Fox River Grove home and kept in touch with me for a while) called me concerned, to tell me about what Derek’s dad did. You would think that the last response would be to isolate your own child and keep all supportive people away from him during a critical time. Narcissists have an evil agenda and they don’t think with an empathetic, caring mind.

Derek’s friend Paul seemed sincerely stunned that Derek’s father Kerry would initiate such an unsolicited and unwarranted reach-out campaign basically out of the blue. How confusing and uncomfortable those calls must have been for those guys. Could Derek’s dad be laying the foundation for a possible future event? Shocking to even think someone, especially his dad, could be that calculated and be so methodical in his long-term planning. When I talked with Derek about this situation, he said that he was NOT suicidal and was confused and a bit upset that his dad would actually contact his former teammates without his permission.

After graduating from Barrington High School in 2010,

Derek went to Kishwaukee Junior College in Malta, Illinois because his dad felt that by doing so, it would extend his baseball recruiting and scholarship options. His dad seemed to be very knowledgeable about baseball and getting scholarships, and had a definite plan about Derek’s career in sports.

Derek’s dad went to every single baseball game Derek had at Kishwaukee junior College, maybe practices too, just like he did when Derek was growing up. From the sidelines, Kerry videotaped every game Derek ever played in. As of this day, January 30, 2025, unless somehow these posts are taken down, you can type in Derek’s name on YouTube and numerous baseball videos will pop up of Derek (most, if not all recorded by his dad but listed under BarringtonHSBaseball.) Derek John Foderaro was known as DFODS to his teammates.

Derek’s younger sister Taylor also liked cars. Just like Kerry bought Derek a brand new Honda Accord, he also bought Taylor a brand new car for her high school graduation. The cars had to be made by Honda and they all had to be black. Kerry always had a top of the line, latest Acura. After I had a Honda Civic, CRV and then a van, Kerry had me get a black Acura MDX. That was our last family car. I wasn’t that knowledgeable about cars and their upkeep; when I filed for divorce and found our house was in foreclosure and the money from our bank depleted, I realized that my MDX needed a lot of work, was not maintained regularly and needed new tires and brakes. I finally learned what was needed to keep a car in running order. Taylor played club and school soccer and was an AMAZING goalie, who became known to her teammates as TFODS.

I am attaching the link to www.YouTube.com/@BarringtonHSBaseball

http://www.YouTube.com/@BarringtonHSBaseball

where as of today, January 30, 2025 there are 333 posted videos and 11 subscribers, both significant numbers and signs. There are probably no coincidences that Derek transitioned and left this earth in his 33rd year…and here’s some evidence to that. But wait. There’s even more! Read on:

IF ANY OF DEREK’S TEAMMATES ARE READING THIS, REMEMBER BACK TO DEREK’S CHOICE FOR HIS “WALK-ON” SONG/MUSIC INTRO? IT WAS NORMAN GREENBAUM’S 1969 “SPIRIT IN THE SKY.” I NEVER SAID ANYTHING BACK THEN BECAUSE HIS DAD ALWAYS HANDLED EVERYTHING BASEBALL RELATED, BUT DEREK’S INTRO SONG NEVER SAT RIGHT WITH ME BECAUSE IT SEEMED SO MORBID. Now that Derek has died, maybe he knew his life’s path all along and had a soul-contract with the Divine. 

Click on the link below to hear Derek’s baseball walk-on song “Spirit in the Sky” and see my 2-12-2025 Utah memorial at the same time:

HERE’S ANOTHER SIGN: ROLLING STONE RANKED this United States one-hit wonder song “SPIRIT IN THE SKY” NO. 333 ON ITS LIST OF THE 500 GREATEST SONGS OF ALL TIME! Wow! More 3s. We’re talking numerology syncronicites at their finest. Click on the below blue link to watch the amazing artwork and listen to Derek’s start-up song: SPIRIT IN THE SKY

https://youtu.be/swIcX57vYDI?si=_nPL0Vaq0DiyRJ3Z

I also came across “@Charlies Webs” Click on his blue link to check him out. If Derek were still alive, I bet he would have loved to meet Charlie and get involved in this unique art and creative expression in the trees. I could most definitely see Derek getting into creating these webs if he was still here on earth. Maybe in Heaven he is able to make even more amazing rope webs.

http://www.YouTube.com/@Charlieswebs

#treenet #treeweb #spacenet #web #climb #rope #spider

When I was searching for a video of Derek playing baseball, this short came up. It is titled: “Foderaro Three-Run Homerun” The game was from 14 years ago and as of today, it’s had 318 views. (update as of 2-20-25, this video has had 4 more views! Well, maybe they’re just me viewing:) I can hear my voice in the background cheering Derek on. “Whoa Derek. Yeah Derek. Oompy-Doompy! Alright Derek!” BELOW IS THE ACTUAL blue LINK TO SEE DEREK IN BASEBALL ACTION! CHECK OUT HIS 3-RUN HOMERUN AND HIS PROUD MOM’S VOICE CHEERING HIM ON:

https://youtu.be/mVwiYpE1qb8?si=lmr4rxiUH8D_R_KO

I went to visit Kishwaukee, but not to go to Derek’s games. In fact, I can’t remember ever attending one game. Instead, I went to do surprise checks of his dorm room, followed by my mom-lectures about making good choices when it comes to sex, drugs and alcohol. After graduation and Derek earning his Associate’s Degree, Derek headed off on a baseball scholarship to Colorado Christian University in Lakewood.

Click on the link below to watch Derek riding the mechanical bull on that fun time he shared with his sister Taylor:

Derek had a great one-month pre-season, but never attended class once after being told by the newly-replaced baseball coach that he would not be starting, lying to us parents for almost his entire first semester about writing papers, taking tests and making good grades. Despite his father and I setting him up in a very comfortable, fully-furnished and decorated apartment, he chose a life of drugs and hung around others who would partake in these “legal” Colorado activities. (on the plane back from our February 2025 Utah ski/memorial trip, I sat next to a dad who told me his daughter’s boyfriend got a baseball scholarship to Penn State, but for two years, sadly never played once. I guess Derek was not alone in this unfortunate scenario.)

I told Derek with regards to when he discovered that his dad covertly altered his baseball stats numbers, that truthfulness is not a virtue that everyone embraces, explaining that because my values differ significantly from his dad’s, the values that I hold in the highest regards are honesty and integrity, that was the main reason why I had to escape my 27-year marriage to his dad. I couldn’t unlearn what I found out over pizza that one fateful December 13, 2013 night (not surprising that it was FRIDAY THE 13th) at Kelsey’s Road House with his dad and sister. I also couldn’t unsee the documented proof of so many other immoral actions, which confirmed the truth of the secret-agent fraud I was married to for almost three decades. (again, I only speak the truth, have physical evidence and many witness, outlined in my notorized affidavit of facts. God knows my heart and the truth)

When the three of us were sitting at Kelsey’s waiting for our pizza, Taylor’s dad told her that he had to take all of the money in her bank account, $12,000, because he was short on the bills and had to use all of that money for family expenses. That is stealing, but Kerry explained it later as “borrowing without permission.” That stopped us both, myself and our daughter, in our tracks, especially because between the two of us parents with Kerry making more than double my teacher salary, we had very high paying education jobs. I went radio-silent, as I was in a state of shock. I didn’t know what to think or say, but it was the final straw that brought clarity to me that this marriage was not healthy and that my husband was too deceptive and had too many secrets. The next day sealed my resolve, as I was, for the first time ever, physically attacked and threatened by my husband. Shoved against the bedroom wall with his finger in my face, he warned me by saying, “Don’t you dare divorce me or I will take your home, your money and your children.” I was legitimately terrified, but like countless Domestic Violence victims, I was too afraid to go to the authorities and report his attack.

First of all, I always thought of the house, money and kids as “OURS,” certainly not mine alone. But also, who would make a threat like that? Wouldn’t you think that the opposite would be said about wanting to leave or separate, not intimidating your spouse to STAY married? I wasn’t even thinking of divorce at the time, so he basically put the idea into my head, and for that I should thank him. You would assume that couples could be reasonable and talk things out, but not always.

It was clear that our personal and family values were not the same and that I had been oblivious to and ignored numerous red flags mainly regarding the many marital affairs he had that I found proof of; actually two of these “close work colleagues” regularly needed to meet with their boss at our family home, conveniently showing up at our front door just when I was just leaving with the kids on one of our outings. I later found secret codes embedded into his numerous passwords that included are not only these women’s initials and birthdates (BD), but also can include addresses and phone numbers. Because my ex left our family computer at our home when he moved out (probably with the intention to spy on ME), I was able to easily see everything he left on our family computer, including bookmarked pornography and gambling sites, as confirmed by a Fox River Grove police detective. In my ex’s contact list I was able to learn of and easily decipher the names of three women (two of these women Kerry had previously told me that he had romantic relationships with) and I believe Kerry continued to have marital affairs with: his educational colleague HF’s birth year is 1961, his high school girlfriend NJJ’s is 1957 (the one he flew out to Vegas for his work conference while we were still married) and his long-term girlfriend who he met while he was student teaching is TAR who was born in 1960. In the contact he even wrote: “6BDHF1 don’t tell 5BDNJJ7 or 6BDTAR0.” There were many other codes with street addresses, cities, zip codes and phone numbers. Cheaters think that they’re outsmarting us and being clever, but they’re not. The codes can be deciphered, even by a wife who’s been gaslit big time whose husband thinks she’s not bright enough to figure out his twisted, secret-agent-man’s code. (I only speak the truth of what I have documented proof of.)

He would even make detailed notes on his contacts list so as to keep track of who was who, whether it was his old high school girlfriend (NJJ) who he purchased an airline ticket to meet him when he flew out to Vegas for a school district conference while we were still married (documents of the Vegas Strip hotel and her airline ticket he purchased were left by Kerry on our family computer) or whether it was a fellow educational administrator (HF) who tried to gaslight me into believing we had a close relationship when we both were working in the same school district early in my teaching career, when I clearly didn’t remember being super-friendly with her. That same coworker invited our kids and us to her husband’s Chicago restaurant opening. We went, and our daughter told me how uncomfortable she felt because this lady seemed to be “all over” her dad. Seems like a challenging way to live to be juggling so many relationships from his harem closet/garage at the same time. Maybe these extracurricular relationships have simplified now that our children’s father has settled down with the mom of one of Derek’s teammates, who just happened to be our next door neighbor for the entire time we lived in Fox River Grove, or maybe the shenanigans continue.

There were also questionable money indiscretions, pornography and gambling sites found and bookmarked on our family computer that he chose to leave behind (I have printed documentation and the hard drive with the actual computer searches and files which were confirmed by the authorities-Fox River Grove Police detectives),

and the real possibility that our children may have a stepbrother (or two-as he has a brother), this from many phone conversations from January 2017 with my ex’s previous long-time, long-distance girlfriend (TAR), the one he met when he was a student teacher at her high school. I knew he was involved with both of us at the same time because one day he told me she was living with him at his Buffalo Grove duplex and he was concerned that I had seen their sex tapes that he had videotaped and stashed in the lower drawer of the TV cabinet! I even found that she had a joint bank account with him at his bank! I broke up and left Kerry after finding this out, but months later was seduced by the typical Narcissistic Hoover and Love Bomb. What was wrong with me that I would even consider a relationship with someone like that? My love-starved, desperate self believed him when he said he was choosing me and was breaking it off from her. The thing is, even though he went on to marry me and she went on to LATER marry a very nice man –she was the lucky one–, however their connection and communications most likely never truly ended. Fast forward a couple of decades later, it turns out that our children may have a secret stepbrother (or two) as a result of this relationship. The evidence was getting too significant to ignore, and eventually contact between myself and the former girlfriend was made in 2017 that brought to light the interconnected situation. Rick and I had many conversations over several days with her and her husband, with many calls initiated by them.

She seemed like such a wonderful person who was in love with Kerry and had invested over a decade in their relationship since he was a student teacher at her high school, just to have him (in her words to me… “string her along”) until he would abruptly discard her for me after all those years. This former girlfriend’s husband, who also seems like a wonderful person, later told my life partner Rick and me on several joint phone calls back in January 2017, mostly intitiated by them, about their PATERNITY TESTING and asked me to please NOT to contact their son; their son. This particular son, one of two, looks exactly like Derek and a younger version of Derek’s dad Kerry. This young man ended up moving to Chicago when he left his southern state to begin college in Chicago. Of course, I honored their request. They both seemed to be very nice, well-meaning people. Besides, the possible stepbrother, this very good looking, happy, successful and stable young man, has two loving parents. They truly care about their son. I am also very sympathetic to these parents for wanting to protect their son and their happy family unit. Actually, there are two brothers. Again, I only speak the truth, have witnesses and documentation. Before saying “I do” and throughout our 27 years of marriage, I ignored my gut feelings that something was off in our marriage. I loved my husband so much and wanted us to be happy, but there just seemed to be so many secrets. The kids picked up on that as well, and at one point Derek called his dad a “Secret Agent Man.” I thought it had to do with some Batman movie or super-hero character, but maybe it was a secret code name.

In my own immediate family, it turns out that there were love-child secrets withheld from us kids growing up regarding bonus relatives that we didn’t know about. As an adult when I hosted a Hansen family reunion, I learned that I had a first cousin with the same last name as mine who even looked like he was related, and who was hidden from us throughout our childhood and into adulthood. So our own dad and his brothers (my uncles) basically lied to me and my brothers about a first cousin we didn’t know about. I guess second secret families are more prevalent than I ever realized.

Little did I know that time would reveal even more of “True Deceit False Love” and that my Intimate Partner Violence would ramp up to aggresively severe levels after we separated in 2013 and divorced in 2015 and would continue, even to this day in 2025 a decade later. It’s taken a long time for me to put the factual pieces of these puzzles together. 

Derek’s father has used one single criminal-divorce law firm since I gathered up the courage to file for divorce in 2013, while I have had 15 lawyers: one unethical lawyer who continues to this day to extort me and another well-meaning lawyer who just didn’t catch my ex and his lawyer underhandedly switching numbers (changing the $12,000 I owed to $21,000-AGAIN, I HAVE THE DOCUMENTATION, WITNESSES AND PROOF) regarding my ordered-responsibility for our daughter’s college tuition, close to doubling my responsibility. I ended up paying more for our daughter’s college tuition than her father did, despite his earning more than twice my salary. I didn’t have the money or energy to return to court, plus I was happy to pay whatever was needed for our daughter whether I was ordered to or not; she’s our daughter, I would give her anything. The efforts these abusers go to create chaos, confusion and complications, and then the continuation of the law fare, are just mind boggling. Unfortunately, but not surprising, it is now 2025 and since 2021 (since the latest court lawsuit) I continue to be regularly dragged back into the Waukegan court house with bad faith petitions and my ex wanting to get more of my one-and-only teacher pension, while he is collecting on three teacher pensions and a simple public online search shows that he is currently employed in five high-paying positions. The case just continues by his design with his untimely filings and continually switching of numbers (see a familiar pattern here with the baseball stats and the divorce discovery ratio?) as he thrives on what I believe is his perceived power and control. This time he is in contempt of court again by manipulating numbers and not following the judge’s court orders, even though the outcome is the one that he wanted and I agreed to. He just can’t seem to follow the rules and let me go. The process is the punishment, as we have clearly seen in recent years on the political national and global stage. What could have been settled for around $3,000 is now costing over $50,000 and counting. Money and time does not seem to be the concern for him, obviously. Pathetic fiscal irresponsibility as he continues his Domestic Abuse against me! Just like when I was assured that our Fox River Grove Victoria Woods subdivision home was completely paid off for ten years, but found out it was in foreclosure and property taxes weren’t paid when I filed for divorce. Also, there was another time when I was duped into signing a refinancing of our home, not knowing that it was actually a revolving line of credit, and that only after hiring a forensic accountant and several meetings with bank officials, I found out that my ex wrote huge checks to himself on that account sometimes twice a week for years. I blindly trusted that he would handle our finances appropriately. Yes, I’m at fault for not getting involved, but I just was under the reasonable assumption that couples often divide up marital responsibilities, so I chose to take on and enjoyed a more traditional domestic role. Plus, I also worked a full-time teaching job. Anyway, I was more interested in the children, our home and family. I also later found out that with the support of our financial advisors, that years before my filing for divorce, my ex had put 95% of our joint investments solely in his name. He also slowly and methodically depleted the college-wedding-house fund accounts I set up for both of our children with $40,000 of my own money. It was only when we were doing financial discovery that I found out that our children’s accounts were closed and completely removed from our portfolio. Where in the world did all our money go? It was clear by his actions that he had no problem taking from his children. Speaking of taking from his children, for birthdays and holidays our kids received savings bonds ONLY from his side of the family. I always thought it strange that I was listed as the cosigner, as opposed to their dad, since this was their thing. After many years when there was a big stack of these savings bonds, Kerry instructed me on a number of occasions to go to the bank and cash them in and deposit the money in our checking account. The bank tellers cautioned that they would only be worth face value, as they require many more years to earn income. I had no clue about any of this, as before marrying into the Foderaro family, I had never seen or heard about savings bonds; they were just something I was never exposed to. Anyway, in the divorce discussions, Kerry accused ME of taking and keeping the money from all of the children’s savings bonds. I believe that is the false narrative he also told our adult children, because fairly recently, on May 16, 2020, when Derek was trying to get some quick cash, he texted me about the savings bonds, as if I had anything to do with that money. Kerry was always in need of quick cash, wanting investment transactions to be “expedited.” He regularly wrote himself money on those “rip off” credit card advance checks that would come in the mail, even though the interest rates would be enormous. Not very fiscally responsible, but I’m sure he had his secret reasons.

There’s so much more secret stuff, in fact my ex insisted that his legal divorce deposition be sealed, so the revelations, documents and facts would be forever hidden from public view. How often do you hear of a divorce deposition being sealed unless there was something someone was hiding? Kerry Foderaro’s divorce deposition is sealed! I worked very hard for years as an adjunct university professor at Northern Illinois University, where I earned my Educational Doctorate in 1997 and did side, evening work as a private ACT/SAT tutor, in addition to my full-time special education teaching position at Palatine High School, to pay off debt that was wrongly assigned to me due to the initial financial discovery spreadsheet and ratio that was falsified and never corrected. He even was so petty as to cash in all our airline miles (which were court-ordered to be split 50/50) and max out the charge cards to over $300,000 in debt. He even charged his lawyer’s fees on a credit card that I was responsible for paying half of.  I was also held responsible for his brand new department store credit card that he used to buy our family’s (and others) Christmas gifts with. When Derek was applying for his Fort Lauderdale lease at the Executive Manor Apartments, the landlord said, the only concerning item on Derek’s credit report was an outstanding, unpaid (over $10,000 in debt) American Express credit card in his name. Derek said he didn’t have a credit card. The landlord informed him that it was taken out using Derek’s social security number and signed for by his father. Derek and I did some more investigation and found that Kerry had forged Derek’s name on this credit card account that Derek had no clue about. Unbelievable that his dad would do this, resulting in Derek’s credit being compromised. Who knows what he has done with our daughter Taylor’s financial accounts and credit? So very sneaky and unethical to use clever, dishonest methods to make a profit or gain an advantage financially. It’s got to be hard to keep all his conniving strategies and interwoven and everchanging wheeling and dealings and relationships straight. Not how I want to spend my time. It’s no wonder why for my safety and well-being I chose to move over 2,000 miles away to a heavily secured property in the middle of an island in the rainforest the day after I retired. Due to the legitimate safety concerns that both my partner Rick and I had and still have, knowing how dangerous my ex is and because Derek was so aligned with his dad, we chose never to invite Derek to visit us on our island. We just could not risk our safety. I am so blessed to be able to spend the rest of my life with someone who shares my values, loves to travel, thrilled to be a provider and a wonderful companion who I have so much fun with and respect for. Rick is such an amazing, empathetic, honest and protective man of character.

Rick was always great and very easy going, positive and supportive with Derek, and Derek felt very comfortable with him.

They had spoken on the phone regularly, but the last time they actually saw each other was the last time I saw Derek. That was in late December 2023, when Derek and I returned from our amazing mother-son Florida road trip. The evening before Derek would make the drive from Lauderdale-by-the-Sea to Nashville, Tennessee, Rick surprised us both and made Derek a Homerun Inn pizza, which Derek said was his favorite. The next morning, before I said my goodbyes (which was the last time I actually saw and hugged Derek) and before his setting off on his drive from Fort Lauderdale, FL to Nashville, TN, Rick and Derek took a long walk on the beach outside the Plunge Beach Resort and they had a great conversation, while Derek enjoyed his early morning Swisher Sweets cigar.

Going to the local gas station and purchasing a single cigar to smoke, was a daily ritual that calmed Derek down and one that he enjoyed every day. He would either choose Backwoods, Dutch Masters, White Owl or his favorite Swisher Sweets. Derek would often tell me how concerned he was about his nicotine addiction, but I would always tell him that even though I have never smoked, know how bad it is for one’s health and could not stand to be around the smell, that he had much bigger issues to face. I would tell him to go easy on himself with regards to his cigars. 

I digress. Please understand that happens when you’ve been though the trauma that I have been through, in addition to knowing that there are lies being told that influence other’s opinions of you, plus, you just lost your child. Although at this point, after experiencing such an aggressive smear campaign on all fronts, I really don’t care about my ex and his calculated behavior. I choose not to direct my attention or put energy towards such negativity. I no longer react, but am deliberate in my responses. I’m a firm believer that truth will eventually prevail over lies, even if it takes time. I am also a loving, targeted and ERASED mother grieving the untimely death of our son and the unjust, over-a-decade-long alienation of our daughter. This photo below with the balloons was done for the “Erasing Family” documentary. I donated and was included, but at the last minute asked to have my name removed as I was in fear of legal action by my ex, most-likely using our daughter for the silver-bullet law fare again. The abusers want their targets living in fear because that ensures they are silenced. Well, not anymore. The truth prevails and is important to know. I feel obligated, for Derek’s sake and legacy, to speak honestly about his apparent suicide and the significant backstory that contributed to his emotional challenges.

Click on the blue link below to see the original short video clip for the “Erasing Family” documentary credits when I was alienated just 4 years (currently it is 11), where Targeted Dads and Moms reach out to their Alienated Children:

ErasedMom

I have endured continued extreme Parental Alienation where our son’s father did not include my input in either writing Derek’s obituary or informing or including me in the medical examination-autopsy, going through Derek’s personal effects and now, the possible memorial service arrangements. I don’t even know if Kerry is burying Derek in a coffin or urn, if he is even going to bury him, and only saw that Kerry made arrangements with “Compassion Funeral & Cremation Services” in Nashville because it was listed on the obituary Kerry wrote without consulting me.

Parental Alienation is not only deadly, it is downright despicable. I look at Derek’s class photos from each year of his schooling and my heart breaks for the challenges that this pure, innocent, beautiful boy and young man had to go through on this earthly plane. Derek (with his apparent suicide) cut his time on earth short, which robbed him of being able to lead a fulfilling, productive and enjoyable long life. I know that as his mom and the many rescue missions I lovingly went on, that my efforts did save Derek from an earlier fate, and that his life was extended by many years so he could experience more and possibly take the steps to get and stay clean and flourish. It is beyond sad for this loving, targeted mother to see this trajectory unfold and come to a tragic ending. It didn’t have to be this way. However, Derek is free from this pain now.

I’m reminded of one of Derek’s favorite songs, “I can see clearly now”:

Click on link below:

I Can See Clearly Now

I was hoping that this last move to Nashville and this new start would really take hold for Derek and be just what he needed to continue on this upward trajectory. However, that was not to be.

Derek and I enjoyed a very close relationship and regular contact. Derek always knew that his mom loved him to the moon and back. forever and always.

So many losses have resulted from one narcissistic, abusing alienator’s false narrative of outright lies and believable half-truths, along with an aggressive and ongoing smear campaign, and so many relationships have been permanently damaged. Actually, in some cases, enduring such an agressive smear campaign is a blessing in disguise because you really see the true colors of surface-social people that you may not have otherwise. I have been sadly alienated from our almost 30-year-old daughter since she was 20 years old, and

Derek was isolated from his sister for countless years, always given an excuse as to why his dad would not share her contact information or let them get together, which left Derek confused and very sad, missing his sister. In the below text from someone Derek or I didn’t know, Derek wrote: “I would love to talk with my sister but unfortunately my # is blocked.”

Without including me as court ordered or providing any information, my ex secretly moved our daughter across town from Fox River Grove to Hoffman Estates, then out of state to Maine.

I’m not sure if Derek was invited, but he was not in attendance at his sister’s Harper College graduation. I was not included or invited to her Community College graduation and with uncontrollable tears rolling down my cheeks, watched her accept her diploma on a livestream one mile away from my Palatine townhome, surrounded by her dad, our former babysitter (the girl that I met at Derek’s presechool–Cornerstone’s Montessori Home Care– and who I though was a very close friend, who immediately stopped talking to me when Taylor did…even though she professes to be a Christian who follows the teachings in the bible and is kind and loving to all.) There are many in this world who wear false masks and follow false prophets, and who are not the wonderful people who you think they are. Empathetic people who are kind, caring and honest, often make the mistake to believe that others they surround themselves with have the same values. I have had to learn this lesson the hard way many times over. Our next door neighbor who befriended Taylor, I believe introduced her to smoking pot. I also believe that this neighbor was instrumental in getting our daughter to engage in illegally dealing drugs. One day I came by the family house where her father insisted, against my better judgment, to let our daughter stay alone during the short sale, and even got his lawyer to write up an order that I could not contest. I was still court ordered to maintain the property. When I went into our garage, I noticed that one of the closets was locked. I pried the door open and discovered a huge bag of pot, along wth hundreds of small bags and twenty or so multi-colored glass pot pipes. I called the Fox River Grove police, who came and saw this, yet chose to do nothing. Our daughter ran to this friend’s next door house. I called her dad, hoping that together we could address this situation. When he eventually showed up and could see the huge spread of drugs and drug paraphernalia, our daughter came out of the neighbor’s house and together with her dad, they scooped up everything into his car and drove off. Certainly no opportunity to address this bad choice of hers, let alone issue her any consequence. I was portrayed as the bad parent for discovering her illegal activities and wanting to do what was right. Our daughter’s dad did eventually reach out to me around the same time, just after this illegal drug discovery. He said he was concerned about our daughter’s pharma drugs interacting with her recreation use, so he said he was instructed by Taylor’s doctor to gather up all her pharmaceuticals and bring them right away to her prescribing psychiatrist so that our daughter would be safe until he could straighten things out. He asked me to take care of that for him, and for her, right away because I lived closer. I complied, as our daughter’s health and well-being were always a top priority. He also asked me, since he lived further away and I lived closer, to gather up and return a large supply of her contact lenses back to the eye doctor because her prescription was changed and that he would be taking care of buying her new contact lenses. I thought it was a bit strange that all of a sudden he was playing nice and wanted us to cooperate together regarding our daughter’s medical care, especially since we had such differences with how we approached our children’s health. Turns out I was duped and took the bait. Our daughter didn’t have a change in her contact lens prescription. He wasn’t actually concerned with the pharma and recreational drug interactions. How do I know I was set up? Because our daughter accused me of selling back the contact lenses just to take her money. And with regards to her prescriptions, she accused me of purposely wanting to cause her death. Both scenarios were false, but the damage was done. I was generally against the medical establishment and rushing to doctors before treating our children’s ailments naturally. I was against putting our children on pharmaceutical drugs, especially for behavior or some emotional diagnosis of some sort. Our children’s father felt differently, and insisted that I keep bringing our children, especially our daughter, to see one psychiatrist after another, which of course resulted in her being prescribed many mood-altering drugs. Early on I kept detailed notes on dates, doctors and medicines just to keep track of it all. When the alienation of our daughter began, I wanted to make sure that she had her medical book, since I was told by her dad that I would not be involved with her in any way. Actually, this medical book was used against me when our daughter filed a restraining order against me in a Maine court, as if I, who was into natural remedies, was the parent wanting her to see doctor after doctor, when it was the complete opposite. One medical situation regarding our daughter that was extremely concerning for me, that I actually wanted to seek medical advice for (and strangely this one scenario was one her dad did not seem to care about), involved her unexplained groin pain for around a three year period that began when she was in elementary school. We could not figure out why her private parts were hurting her. I took her to specialists (orthopedic, physical therapy, pain doctor, etc…) to try to find answers. The doctors were dumbfounded. Looking back now, and learning that Derek was sexually abused more than once, I sure wish one of the many professionals would have questioned more and looked into the possibility that our daughter was experiencing this unusual, unexplained groin pain as a possible result of being sexually abused. That would seem now like the only logical explanation. I surely hope that isn’t the case. Children who have experienced sexual abuse often supress this trauma and bury their emotions deep within their psyche as it is too painful to address. It takes years for the truth to come out, not just because of the fear regarding the perpetrator, but because of the shock and shame. That was the case with me when I realized that a childhood girlfriend sexually molested me when I was around 10 years old on a few occasions. It took half a century to have this trauma come to the surface for me to finally face. It is so hard as a loving mom who wants nothing more than her children to be safe, happy and healthy to even have to think of such bad things (physical, emotional and sexual abuse) happening to your children.

Maybe, as a result of Derek’s death and the truth of so many unanswered questions being revealed, and my finally finding the strength to speak out, that Derek’s experiences may be the catalyst to help his sister face the reality of the lies she’s been told and the traumas that she has buried deep within her soul as a result of extreme Parental Alienation; maybe there is a chance for Taylor’s true healing. Also, now that the truth of Derek’s two sexual abuse experiences have been disclosed, maybe some of Derek’s teammates, classmates, friends or family might have revelations of their own if there was a church leader, coach, teacher, neighbor, relative or random person that may have inappropriately touched them or engaged in or witnessed other improper behavior. I believe that Derek is safe now in another realm of consciousness and energy. I believe that now, since he has transitioned from this earthly life of pain and suffering, that he has the ability to connect with his sister on a more spiritual level to help guide her towards self-actualization to help her on a much deeper level. Derek loved his sister so very much. I felt this similar sadness that over these last several years, his coping strategy was to agree to get himself admitted into a psych ward to escape reality.  I never resonated with his response to rush towards meds and intensive therapy every time his emotions were out of sorts. His dad was regularly involved in these medical-psychological interventions, which included talk therapy, residential treatment and loads of mood altering and frankly very dangerous and deadly pharma psychotropic drugs, especially when they are stacked and so freely prescribed, disregarding drug interactions and the serious side effects. In early November 2024, Derek chose to call his dad, who came to Nashville to discharge him when he was released from his last hospitalization.

Contrary to what my ex has told others, I was never diagnosed with an emotional/mental disorder, prescribed mood altering drugs or was hospitalized for psychiatric reasons, so I don’t have firsthand experience. I do have a strong opinion that our bodies are amazing vessels created by God, and that we can and should heal ourselves naturally. Derek’s toxicology reports from his autopsy won’t be available for several months, but it would be very telling to know the number and types of pharmaceutical drugs he had in his system, most of all which most likely cite that suicide ideation is a major side effect. I made it clear to Derek that I did not support taking these or any drugs, that living life naturally was the way to go; he disageed. In many ways, Derek was living on borrowed time. I think back to all the search and rescue missions I embarked on out West trying to save Derek and redirect him towards the light. Now that he’s unfortunately gone from this physical earth, I must realize and be thankful that even though his relatively young life was tormented and troubled on many fronts, it was his journey to experience and most likely one that he chose. As his loving mom, I was beyond blessed to have 33 years with him in my life. A mother’s love for her children runs pretty deep.

Just like Derek did not attend his sister’s community college graduation ceremony, the exact same scenario would happen yet again a few years later, for his sister’s 4-year college bachelor’s graduation. Despite being blocked and most letters/gifts returned, our daughter did keep the huge Halloween box I sent her in Maine, filled with all of her favorite decorations, toys, party favors and of course candies. Halloween was one of her favorite holidays, not just because she was a “candy girl,” but because our kids had so much fun in our neighborhood with their friends. Every year I would decorate the house extensively and get dressed up as the Victoria Woods skeleton. We shared some fun times and holidays before the Parental Alienation was solidified when the kids were young adults. Dad would pull you around the neighborhood in your orange Little Tykes wagon and Mom would be the skeleton and pass out candy to the neighborhood kids. Great memories!

I flew out to Maine to attend Taylor’s UNE 4-year college graduation, leaving her gifts and her special mementos with her two roommates, who told me that even though they have been best friends with Taylor for close to three years, they didn’t even know she had a mother!

Here is a link to a short clip of me bringing gifts and mementos to Taylor for her UNE graduation in Maine:

The three of us, Taylor’s roommates and I, opened the suitcase I prepared for our daughter, filled with scrapbooks, mementos and loads of graduation gifts, even college-“best UNE dad” gifts for her to give to her father. I have always believed that our children need to have BOTH parents in their lives. I speak the truth, but I never badmouthed our children’s father. By bringing “Grad Dad” gifts to her dad, despite the severe alienation and not being included in her graduations, I am role modeling goodness, forgiveness and love. My words are telling of the true character and integrity of my soul, but my actions also are telling.

Taylor’s friends were in awe and told me they could feel the love, stating what a wonderful mother I am to do this for her daughter. They asked me to stay and wait for her, but I didn’t want to make our daughter feel uncomfortable. So I left my cell number and encouraged them to have her call me later on to meet. I would return to the hotel a few towns over in Kennebunkport, Maine.

Later that night I received a call. I was so excited to finally hear from our daughter. However, she did not call me. It was the Biddeford, Maine police calling me to say that Taylor feared for her safety and that they are requesting that I leave the state immediately. That is when the silver-bullet law fare from our daughter began. To solidify the alienation, a two-year order-of-protection was granted to her based on lies, where even though I had loads of evidence (including our family’s long-time psychiatrist who totally dispelled her false claim that I had Munchausen Syndrome and would cause her any harm-see the below documentation), the damage was done. This doctor’s letter was written “To Whom It May Concern: MARNI IN NO WAY HAS MUNCHAUSENS’S BY PROXY” regarding me to show the judge in Maine and to show Taylor, however I wasn’t allowed to say a word or show proof that I was not the parent who pushed labels, treatments or drugs.

On a very significant follow up to Taylor’s 4-year East coast college graduation, it turns out that she actually wasn’t supposed to graduate that term that I flew out to Maine. How would I know? I was blocked from her college transcript records, even though they were supposed to be given to me and even though I paid more of her tuition than her dad did, with the number switching on the manipulated court document. Anyway, I did eventually find out her graduation date/time and that the ceremony would be on livesteam. I was living in Palatine and Derek was living the next town over in Buffalo Grove (both in Illinois.) I planned a mom-son night to watch a movie with Derek on his TV. So I ordered and picked up his favorite pizza (Hawaiian: cheese with pineapple and ham), salad (mom has to get those veggies in), plus a cake. The cake was in a box so that he would not see that it was a graduation cake in honor of his sister. Derek welcomed me over and was excited for what he believed would be our movie night, however I got the graduation ceremony online. I told him that his sister was graduating from college and that we would be watching her accept her diploma instead.

Derek began to cry. He said that he didn’t even know that his sister was in college or what state she was living in. Then the next thing he told me broke my heart even more. He said that he originally had bowling plans with his dad for this night, but that his dad told him that a school board meeting came up and he had to cancel and hoped that Derek would understand as he would make it up to him the following weekend. Just then the graduation camera crew scanned the audience and the screenshot showed his dad in the audience. Derek was in disbelief; I felt so bad for him. Derek knew his dad lied to him yet again. That was so painful for him, and this time I really didn’t have a reasonable excuse to tell him and I certainly did not want to badmouth his father, so I just hugged Derek tightly. Even more sad was that he was so removed and not included in his sister’s milestone. 

In a different, yet very similar situation, when Derek’s paternal grandmother passed away, I had asked Derek how the memorial service and funeral was. He said that his father told him he really shouldn’t fly out to Vegas because it was just going to be a small gathering. What? Derek was one of two grandsons who loved both of his grandparents very much. This is one of many times when Derek was made to feel unimportant and didn’t belong in his very own paternal family. Despite this and many other similar deceits, Derek continued to seek his dad’s approval, even when he knew he was being lied to and not included. I think back at all the investigative work I did to try to figure out where Taylor’s dad was sending her for her bachelor’s degree, as he chose not to follow the court order and involve me. When I eventually learned that she was enrolled at UNE-University of New England in Biddeford, Maine, I looked into the school and when the new term would begin, even though I was not included and would not just show up. It was early on in the alienation. I had no idea what terrible things were awaiting us in the years to come. I saw on the publicly posted UNE website that there was a Family & Friends Welcome Night. Here was our daughter, with just her dad, not both of her parents. How sad for her. The event was a casino night. Gambling. Something I’ve always been against…especially after the many times we visited Kerry’s family in Vegas. During Kerry’s divorce deposition (which is still sealed and under lock-and-key !?!?!?) he was adamant about referring to Vegas as “Clark County Nevada.” His continual corrections of the locale got to be comical amongst the lawyers. What was the big deal about saying “Vegas?” After the new student family and friends welcome event, I looked online to see when classes were beginning. Even though I paid more than her father did for our daughter’s entire tuition, I was barred from seeing any records, let alone what classes or program she was signed up for. I came across these UNE publicly posted photos that included Taylor! She did not look like she was enjoying herself with her dad at that Family & Friends Welcome Night.

Every week after Kerry moved out he sent Taylor an envelope (which she gave to me) with a simple statement on a post-it note, a $20 bill and a $5 lottery ticket. Who does this? The one above is an example of one of the weekly communications: “Taylor, what would you do with $5,000 a week for life? Love, Dad.” In addition to Derek not knowing anything about Taylor’s whereabouts or included-invited to her college graduations, Derek told me that he wasn’t invited to attend his very close cousin Nicky’s August 2022 wedding or attend the shower for his baby born in April 2024. Just like Derek wasn’t included in so many family celebrations and milestones, after I filed for divorce, Kerry refused to include me in Taylor’s milestones. But with our child’s death! It is so very cruel for Derek’s father to not include, coordinate or invite me in the final decisions, arrangements and service involving our now-tragically-deceased son. As Derek’s mom, I was never contacted by his father, either directly or indirectly through others, regarding Derek’s death decisions that were needed to be made with the Tennessee Medical Examiner’s office, going through Derek’s personal effects and apartment, and now with his possible memorial service. I wonder if I will ever get any details about the date and time of a service at St. Annes. I don’t live in the area, so I wonder if I will be given any time to fly into Chicago to attend. (UPDATE: I found out on March 5th, 2025 that Kerry did in fact have a service for Derek, and it was held on February 11th, 2025. I was not informed, included or invited, and as I found out later, neither was my brother or father.)

I did an online search and just saw that on February 2, 2025 that our son was listed in the St. Anne’s Clarion bulletin under “Our Beloved Dead.” This is beyond sad.

I think about both of our children everyday, and often wear jewelry reminders with their birthstones: January’s Garnet for Derek and February’s Amethyst for Taylor.

I wonder if Taylor ever read any of my books. Derek had all of my books, but I never got the impression that he took the time to read them.

After experiencing numerous STEs-Spiritually Transformative Encounters, I have had the ability to be more intuitive and connected to the Divine. Derek has made after-death contact several times with me since he left this earthly plane. He is most definitely in a much happier and higher vibrational existence, and my understanding of life and death has already experienced a significant metamorphosis. I knew our son loved me in the physical, but the spiritual connection is too deep to be able to express linguistically. I believe that Derek’s desire now is to energetically reach his sister, to plant the seeds and provide other-worldly support for her to do some deep critical thinking to figure out the truth of the lies she’s been told. Derek has always loved his sister and was heartbroken that she wasn’t in his life. He wants to see his sister free. (I would say unburdened, but that word is a Marxist incantation and is associated with such word-salad stupidity and political fraud, that it can no longer be used as it should.) Speaking of the term UNBURDENED…I wrote Derek a poem called, “Unleash Your Burdens.” Derek did tell me he read this poem from my yellow True Deceit False Love free-verse poetry book. This may be the only one of my writings that he actually took the time to read. Hopefully, he was able to flip through my orange TRUE LOVE book of memories for our kids, as that came out this past fall and I had mailed him a copy.

Since Derek’s tragic passing, people I haven’t heard from in decades have been attempting to contact me. Some are sincere, some are not, some are probably my ex and his regime of  “flying monkeys” and others just have robotic responses with their socially acceptable practices when there’s a death. I’ve even heard from a couple of Victoria Woods-Fox River Grove neighbors and a few moms from St. Anne’s who are so bold as to reach out to me only now, acting like nothing ever happened with our friendships, after my ex’s smear campaign and them dropping me as a friend over 10 years ago; some people have no integrity or sense of morality. Needless to say, their contact information has since been blocked and deleted; I don’t need or want people like that in my life now, they are not worthy of my time or energy. It’s not that I don’t respectfully appreciate their condolences, however their sympathy is not anything that I need or want. I am grieving the loss of our son, and am requesting that others respect my privacy. I am at peace knowing the deep connection that I have aways had with Derek. 

Since Derek’s apparent suicide, I have had heartfelt communications only with those few authentic individuals who I am in contact with and who I care about. I have been called to a much higher purpose and live in a much higher vibration that I did previously, so I no longer give my time or energy to those people and situations that are not authentic and sincere. My focus is on our beautiful son, and honoring his challenging journey and his return back “Home” to be with Jesus. I have a deep connection with Derek in Spirit, just as our connection on this earthly plane was a very strong and solid one. My interrelatedness with our son is a very genuine connection. Nobody can take that away, not even his father. Just like the title of my 8th and final book of my “True Deceit False Love” series, written specifically for our son and daughter, TRUE LOVE will and must prevail.

my handsome Sweetie-Ding

and my beautiful Kiss-Girl…

TRUE LOVE:

PARENTAL ALIENATION

CANNOT ERASE THE MANY MEMORABLE MOMENTS OF A MOTHER’S

TRUE LOVE FOR HER CHILDREN

***********

Below is the photograph of Derek that his dad chose for Derek’s obituary notice dated January 22, 2025. The photo Kerry chose is what Derek used to look like in junior high or early high school. Derek was not in junior high, Derek was 33 years old when he died.

Getting back to our beautiful son Derek and his father’s published obituary. As mentioned before, as our son’s mother and next-of-kin, I was not included in any of Derek’s “arrangements.” This is par for the course when you are dealing with an extreme parental alienator. On Wednesday, January 22, 2025 I received a Google alert on my phone associated with Derek’s printed obituary. I read the OBITUARY that his father wrote and would never had agreed to be included in something so vague, that I believe is a misrepresentation on many levels. The obsessive need for controlling individuals to put forth an inflated and false public image is textbook predictable. Here’s the obituary, and I’ll break down my concerning observations, as I am a truth teller and true upstanding woman of integrity and character. I believe that people should not be misguided, just to serve someone else’s ego, plus I believe it is not honoring Derek and his legacy.

First of all, “passed away” is extremely general, especally for a young man of 33 years of age. This leaves those checking out Derek’s obituary with unanswered questions wondering what he died from: cancer, a car accident, the recent deadly injections, etc… Sometimes you can figure out from the notices what happend if there is a call to donate to a certain organization, whether it is a cancer center or a legacy fund of some sort. To be clear in Derek’s case, he apparently chose to end his relatively young life by committing suicide by hanging. I say apparently as the detective told me Derek’s death is an open and active investigation.

OK, “leaving behind his devoted and loving parents.” Yes, that may be true, however this statement gives the impression that both parents are united in their devotion and love, when that is not the case. Derek’s dad and I have polar opposite views on raising and guiding our children and what is best for them, as I’ve written about countless times in my website posts, magazine articles and my 10 award-winning books. I have always encouraged Derek to be financially independent, surround himself with positive people, be healthy in mind and body with NO altering pharma or recreational substances, work in employment that HE finds meaningful and participate in positive social activities, preferably out in nature. Those values and reasonable hopes for Derek are and have always been undermined by his father for as long as I can remember.

“…remembered by many beloved aunts, uncles, cousins…” No, there are not many…Derek had only two (2) living aunts, and two (2) living uncles, and two (2) living cousins. (My late brother Jay, Derek’s uncle, died by suicide hanging when Derek was 12 years old.)

“Cherished Sister”. Cherished, yes, by BOTH of her parents and her brother Derek, but much to his sadness, Derek was purposely isolated from and kept away from his sister for many, many years. His sister has many aligned “gate keepers” to insure that she does not have any opportunity for someone to slip through the protection and be able to contact her. Her eyes may one day, hopefully, open to her abusive coercive control and isolation, and my heart goes out to her when she wants to reconcile her own actions, guilt and shame… even though children should never be blamed for their actions resulting from alienation.

“Fondly remembered by many…” Yes, but again, isolated from many due to smear campaigns and a believed false narrative. It would have been better for Derek if he would have been allowed to have the relationships and positive communications when he was alive. Many people have not talked with or reached out to Derek for years. Sure, it may feel good or the right thing to do to “pay your respects” with a short “RIP” post online, but Derek really could have used the connection while he was living, not the isolation. (update: with Kerry changing Derek’s service to a private, family-only event, he in a sense continued the isolation of Derek even in his death.)

“Born and raised in the northwest suburbs of Chicago,” why the secrecy? why be so vague? To set the record straight, Derek was born in Evanston, Illinois and was raised in Fox River Grove, Illinois.

“He was a passionate arborist…” No. That is an outright lie. Derek’s father has a subtle way of inflating the truth, just like he did when Derek said that he intentionally altered Derek’s baseball stats and lied on his sports resume. Derek never achieved the title or training of arborist. He was a simple tree climber and groundsman, in addition to working in pest control and drilling. He struggled to get and keep his hourly-paying jobs. Despite being given and not following through with opportunities for further education or trade school training, Derek continued his unreliable employment with little or no interest or motivation to rise above professionally. That’s ok by me as his mom, I certainly never judged Derek for his interests and choices no matter what he was paid and what benefits were part of their employment package–especially because Derek shared with me that his dad would belittle him for not being professionally successful. At the same time, the realities regarding the jobs Derek chose did have some drawbacks with regards to pay, schedules and work conditions. The transient and unpredictable nature of his day-to-day most likely contributed to his low self-esteem, and a lack of stability, income and routine, in addition to dealing with coworkers who sometimes contributed to a negative working environment and unease in his professional life.

I personally have a real problem with this one: “his adult life led him to ADVENTUROUS EXPERIENCES in Colorado, Washington, Oklahoma, Florida and Tennessee.” As Derek’s mother, always looking out for his health, safety and well-being, I was the sole parent who spent a great deal of time, money and heartache on “rescue missions” to help save Derek’s life from his choices of drugs and destruction in these various states Kerry listed. When you hear the word “adventurous” it conjures up experiencing positive growth experiences. Nope. Without any interest or support from Derek’s dad, I lived through flying out West many times, finding Derek in dire straits, and bringing him back home for help. Derek has always thanked me for caring enough about him to find him wherever he was. One of his most devastating “adventures” was recounted in detail in my first book: God Came To My Garage Sale. These were very dangerous and trying times for Derek, and for me, his mom.

So the last one: there’s going to be “a private Catholic funeral service in the northwest suburbs of Chicago.” Why private and continue to isolate Derek from friends, family, classmates, neighbors and teammates, even in his death? Also, why be so vague and say “northwest suburbs of Chicago”, as opposed to the logical venue of St. Anne’s Catholic Church in Barrington where we were parishioners, I was a Lector for six years and both of our kids attended school from kindergarten through 8th grade. Shame on this alienator once again for not including our child’s other parent in any aspect of this sad and final significant event regarding our son. This is an example of what extreme alienators do; it is a continuation of my Intimate Partner Violence, and is most definitely a form of Child Abuse, where one parent is really hurting the children, in their need to hurt the other parent. (update: a public service for Derek was supposedly scheduled at St. Anne Church in Barrington, IL for 11:30 am on Tuesday, February 11, 2025… however, when a former neighbor I knew was going to attend, she was told it may be cancelled. She called the church that morning to confirm, and was told that the father had changed the service to private, with only family. Of course…not to include Derek’s mother, who is the closest family member to him, as I carried him in my womb for 9 months and gave birth to him and was close to him his entire life or to include Derek’s maternal uncle and aunt or grandparents.) Since time has passed since Derek died and I have received no word, it appears that I would not even be included in Derek’s private family service if there is going to be one. I am Derek’s mother!

(UPDATE: on March 5th I learned that Kerry did in fact have a PRIVATE service on February 11th…SO VERY PRIVATE that Kerry had this service by lying to the St. Anne’s priest and funeral ministry staff, and had this small gathering without informing, including or inviting me or anyone from Derek’s maternal side of the family.)

In this mother’s opinion, Derek has NEVER been suicidal, yet the apparent cause of his death is suicide by hanging. I say “apparent” because when Detective Thompson called me to inform me, THE DAY AFTER he was found dead and he said that Derek’s death was an active and open investigation. Kerry was informed the day Derek died, on January 18, 2025. Was Derek’s mind altered by Narcissistic Abuse, gaslighting, sexual molestation, pharma drugs and illegal substances? Yes. Experiencing any one of those can change the way someone thinks; Derek has experienced them all. Derek recently, at age 32, told me in confidence that years ago he experienced being sexually abused, first in childhood by someone close to him, possibly family, and later in 8th grade/frosh high school, which he said was by someone associated with St. Anne’s. He did not want to provide me with names or details. He did not want to report it and said specifically that he did not want to tell any of the therapists that his dad has coordinated, paid for and regularly communicated with as he didn’t feel his disclosure would be kept confidential. I just listened with a loving and supportive ear. I felt that it took a great deal of strength to even share with me what he did, and I didn’t want to bombard him with questions. He said that he will be dealing with this on his own in his own time. When Derek was in elementary school he did create a drawing at school, given to me by his teacher, that practically mirrors the documented psychological research examples of a child expressing their experiences with sexual abuse through artwork (Genitalia drawn on perpetrator, along with a big X across their body, even if it is colored over.) Maybe someday the truth and details will be revealed. The truth, in most cases, eventually finds its way out into the open in time.

For years, Derek has exhibited many of the typical researched signs of someone who has endured sexual abuse trauma and suppressed their experiences deep within their psyche. Children’s creative art drawings can be very telling of the truth. In another type of artwork, Derek created acrostic poems and wrote two specifically for me. Acrostic poetry is a style of writing I taught regularly during my 35 year career as a teacher. Two of my volumes (green and red) are solely dedicated to reading and writing your own acrostic poetry.

Acrostic poetry is one of my literary specialties, and a style of writing that Derek enjoyed too. I love that in one poem he wrote me, he notes that his mom is a magnificent cooker with outstanding hair, who is terrifically nice, hugs him all the time, each month does art projects and rocks at drawings!

I have saved scrapbooks and boxes of beautiful, loving artwork and positive poems written about and for me by our daughter as well. Hopefully our beautiful daughter will learn about Parental Alienation through my 10 published books, realize the truth and when we reunite, we can pull out her creations to help confirm how solid our love was for 20 years! I love our daughter unconditionally and would welcome my beautiful Kiss-Girl back in my life, however regaining trust would be a process that we most likely would need help from an expert in cult deprogramming resulting from extreme parental alienation. Sexual Abuse of minors is more common than you would think. Just think of all the atrocities coming out in the news now that there are people opening up their eyes and questioning things, and now that our country has a great number of people in leadership positions that not only want to follow the law for our citizen’s safety, but want to protect children from being trafficked or sexually abused. When I was around 10 years old, I was sexually abused by a neighborhood best friend 3x. During my college years I agreed to pose for some portraits this same neighborhood best friend was sketching for an art class, however it became uncomfortable for me when she coerced me into removing my clothes, so she could draw my naked form. She assured me that her work would be tastefully created. I went along reluctantly as I trusted and was trauma-bonded to this friend, but looking back now over 40 years later, I should have said “NO.” This friend assigned me an alter-ego name of Janet. I had no idea how this had been surpressed for so many years. Without really knowing why, I named the character in my first book “God Came To My Garage Sale” after this alter-ego, which was Janet, which really was me.

When Derek was in high school, there was one morning that he didn’t open up his locked bedroom door when it was time to go to school. When he finally opened the door, it was clear that he was under some drug influence. We rushed him to the hospital, which was only half a mile away from our home, and were told by the attending physician that he had ingested drugs. Derek’s narrative was that he wanted to kill himself because he lied to us about failing a test for Spanish class and hiding that test in his unkept locker. When Derek was in 8th grade at St. Anne, Derek’s dad and I were also shown Derek’s school locker during a parent-teacher conference, which was completely jam-packed with stuff, including gifts I had given many months prior to give to his teachers. To me, that story just never made sense, and I told him so. I believe he chose to do drugs with a neighbor and did not want to have that truth exposed, so he would make up a story to cover up what he did so he wouldn’t have to face consequences or rat on a neighbor friend. With regard to what was called “an overdose,” Derek proceeded to spend three nights in the hospital’s ICU and I was there with him the entire time. We made plans for a family ski/snowboard trip to Devil’s Head Resort in Merrimack, Wisconsin. We had never done a trip like that, and I really believed that making these plans with Derek for an activity that he was really interested in would give Derek something to look forward to. After the three days in ICU, he was ordered to spend a week in a psych ward several towns over, as a transition before heading home, where he would then be able to return to school, and attend the outpatient groups in the evenings. That hospitalization seemed to be the start of Derek finding attention, sympathy and connection with others through relying on a mental illness diagnosis and psychological interventions. On the morning of the evening of Derek’s apparent suicide, I had spoken with Derek on the phone early Saturday morning, January 18, 2025. I didn’t sincerely believe that he was in danger, but I knew that his self-esteem seemed battered yet again. I believed that the Parental Alienation efforts by his dad were ramping up again. At the same time, Derek’s employment continued to be inconsistent and he was still insistent on his mental illness narrative, which was his excuse not to take responsibility for his own well-being. Mainly I was concerned about the underhanded Parental Alienation efforts and attempts by his dad to try and erode Derek’s loving and positive relationship with me. Parental Alienation is a result of severe Intimate Partner Violence perpetrated by those who have covert malignant narcissistic traits. (Not diagnosing anyone here, just making observations as I have researched this phenomenon in depth the past decade in my efforts to understand cluster B behaviors and figure out why bad things happen to good people.) However, even with those concerns, I NEVER once believed Derek was feeling suicidal when we spoke this past Saturday morning. He never made any direct or indirect comments about feeling despondent or hopeless or questioning whether or not he should live. If I had any indication that he had suicidal ideations, I would have immediately called the police, certainly not his apartment manager. So, what happened from the time of our early morning phone call to the late evening when Derek apparently took his life? Again, I did not learn of this tragic event until the following day on Sunday afternoon. I spoke numerous times with the detective to gather as much information as I could. Detective Thompson told me that Derek’s father called the apartment complex manager after 9:00 pm to do a well-being check because Derek was not returning his multiple phone calls. That seems like a pretty aggressive action to take, as a 33-year-old adult child doesn’t always and shouldn’t have to return their parents’ calls immediately. Something must have been said that triggered the possibility of some serious repercussions. I was informed that the apartment manager was first on the scene and found Derek dead by hanging a rope from his bedpost, and then he called 911. The call log shows that the 911 call came in at 9:59 pm and the responding officer arrived and Derek was pronounced dead at 10:10 pm. I had a long talk with the apartment manager who expressed sorrow for our loss, and when asked, was also willing to share graphic details of the scene to provide some answers and closure for me. (those details will not be shared here.) In turn, I told him how sorry I was that he even had to experience this, as I’m sure that finding a tenant dead doesn’t happen often, if ever. I can’t even begin to imagine the conversation(s) that Derek had with his father that possibly contributed to Derek’s decision to follow through with his apparent tragic suicide, especially after my positive phone call with Derek that morning, so somehow Derek’s father must have known that things were very serious…deadly serious. A transcript or audio recording of their conversation(s) would be revealing. For some reason Kerry felt the need to call for a well-being check on our son, so there must be more to this situation. If Derek didn’t return my calls, I would assume he was busy working or out and would try the next day. I’m sure that the pharma drugs Derek chose to be on could have contributed, as suicide ideation is regularly listed as a side effect, especially if prescribed drugs are stacked. In my opinion, Derek was NOT suicidal in the morning. He had just the day before had a successful job interview with Bartlett Tree Company, in the field he was always drawn to: tree work. And he was talking about a follow-up interview on Monday. (I called the tree company and confirmed this. They said Derek’s Friday interview was great and that the staff were laughing and getting along well with him. So, Derek was telling me the truth.) Things still just don’t seem to add up for me. Of course, as his mom who has always supported Derek and loved him unconditionally since they day I found out I was pregnant with him, and throughout his childhood and adulthood, I am grieving his loss on so many levels and am going through the stages of grief. Words just cannot convey the deep sorrow I have at his passing, and how he apparently chose to end his life. My heart breaks for his sister as well. I know firsthand the pain of losing an estranged brother to suicide. As a victim, survivor and advocate bringing awareness to Domestic Violence, Narcissistic Abuse, Intergenerational Family Trauma, Intimate Partner Violence and the absolute worse experience that any loving targeted dad or mom can experience, extreme Parental Alienation, which is like experiencing the death of your living child, I have endured significant betrayals and losses (home, money, assets, support system of family, friends -even my childhood “best friend” and our family’s babysitter- neighbors, church, work, health, etc) and continue to face ongoing legal battles as my obsessive abuser seems unable to move on (despite being engaged to our longtime next door neighbor) and is intent on trying to destroy me any way he can. What he fails to realize is that I no longer care or am affected by his shenanigans. I focus my energies on positive life events, my beautiful home and life in the Caribbean, the amazing travel experiences I enjoy and that I now surround myself with likeminded people. His constant efforts at continuing his abuse just don’t affect me anymore. My healing has involved writing, and I’ve been supported by many experts and researchers who value and award my literary endeavors in my effort to articulate and come to terms with unthinkable trauma, at the same time providing a beacon of hope for those men and women who are also enduring similar challenges. I have done the research to understand those disturbed individuals with such malevolent personality disorders, and have done the deep inner shadow work to take ownership in my role and to understand my own foundational influences and patterns.

PLUS, I HAVE THE DOCUMENTATION AND PROOF. And WITNESSES, including our Creator, God who knows my heart and knows the truth.

I have never been about revenge or vindictiveness. That is not how my empathetic soul is wired. I am not a criminal, so it is very hard for me to think like one. I have had to learn to forgive others and myself, set healthy boundaries and even go “no contact” with those I care for and love deeply, just for my own self-preservation and to stay true to my values of honesty, integrity and goodness. I am a truth teller, an honest empathetic soul who has experienced a tremendous amount of abuse and have had to educate myself, take ownership and make some very big changes in my life. Out of everything I’ve endured, “Losing Derek” has been the most painful experience of my life. Only with Faith and our Creator’s love am I able to put one foot in front of the other, for Derek’s sake as well. I have had to put on the full armor of God (truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation, spirit) to protect myself and my inner peace.

Thankfully I have an amazing life partner; a man of honesty, kindness, compassion and integrity. Rick and I truly care for and resonate with each other. I am very lucky, but also very deserving. He feels that he is the lucky one. My efforts in our relationship are actually valued and appreciated, which is something I didn’t experience in my 27 year marriage to our children’s father. Rick is a man of Faith.

Rick not only cares a great deal for me, but he also cares for both Derek and Taylor. 

I love both of our children with all of my heart. For the past 11 years I have had to endure life without our beautiful daughter. Now I will miss my regular contact and connection with Derek since he has transitioned to another dimension. I hope to eventually get back to living my life without such enormous sadness and grief, however I will never be the same. I don’t know that any parent who loses a child can ever carryon with such pain. I will try to continue living. I have a lot of great things to look forward to, including some amazing and meaningful projects and world travels ahead for this year and beyond. Even though there are so many photos I could share and situations to discuss, this post-page “Losing Derek” will stand as it is. If you have made it this far, with my very long-winded, diverging response to my memorial to Derek, along with the concerns and questions I had regarding Derek’s recently published and vague obituary (by his dad who had no regard for or interest in his mom’s input), along with some clarifying backstory and detailed facts and timeline from the day he was apparently driven to kill himself, I thank you for taking the time and caring enough about our son to see his photos and read my take on this unfortunate tragedy. Unlike what his dad wrote on his mass program: “A LIFE WELL LIVED,” (such an inaccurate and impersonal statement) it is clear that Derek’s young soul was tormented and hopefully now he can transition to a more positive realm where he can be at peace and no longer suffer from the abuse, trials and challenges he experienced on this earthly plane. I pray and know that Derek is surrounded with Divine love and will experience everlasting peace.

A mother can often experience a gut intuition when it comes to her children. After Derek and I spoke on the phone for 8 minutes, the morning of Saturday, January 18, 2025, I was very concerned for his well-being as a result of ongoing and ramped up Parental Alienation efforts. Again, I did not get any impression that Derek was suicidal; not at all. However, my gut told me to post a plea regarding Derek and the dangers of Parental Alienation. I did not learn of his apparent suicide until Sunday, the next day. This was my post:

“A LOVING, TARGETED MOTHER’S PLEA TO SAVE HER CHILD’S LIFE”

Saturday, January 18, 2025

A LOVING, TARGETED MOTHER’S PLEA TO SAVE HER CHILD’S LIFE

After our 33 year old son called me this morning, it was clear to me that his emotional, psychological and physical well-being are in grave and immediate danger due to extreme Parental Alienation.

I am asking God to intervene and save our son’s life.

“The Lord will keep you from all harm–He will watch over your life.”

Psalm 121:7

The alienating, abusive role model our son has chosen to align with has ramped up his efforts to a very aggressive and deadly level. Our son’s abuser celebrates his addictions, encourages the use of psychotropic, mind-altering pharmaceutical drugs and convinced him to take no responsibility for his behavior and actions, citing that he has a debilitating mental illness diagnosis that is wrongly attributed to others.

Our son has been gaslit to believe he is not capable of holding a steady job or can be financially independent, let alone pursue his own interests and live a life of happiness and purpose. Our son has been purposely isolated from friends, family, neighbors and past teammates, including his own sister, so he has no healthy support system except his mom, who loves him unconditionally and has always been there and will always be there for him. He has been brainwashed with a false narrative of outright lies and believable half-truths, as his abuser methodically rewrites his memories. The constant undermining efforts to alienate him from his healthy, loving parent have become more and more successful, the more desperate and pathetic the covert, malignant narcissist has become.

Parents who engage in severe Parental Alienation tactics go to extremes to control, gaslight, isolate and contribute to the dependency, demise and even death of their own children in their obsessive attempts to destroy the other loving parent who knows too much of their ex’s immoral/illegal wrongdoings, escaped with their own life and has the strength to speak the truth as they heal, educate themselves, do the inner reflective work, take ownership for their role, acknowledge their intergenerational foundations, set healthy boundaries, step away from betraying individuals and toxic situations, reclaim their soul and put the pieces of their IPV-Intimate Partner Violence puzzle together.

The targeted, loving parent’s vindictive and revengeful ex expected that we would crumble after they stole everything from us (house, money, assets, support system, reputation, our health…) as they continue for years, even decades, to drag us through the courts with their law fare. When that didn’t work, they made sure we lost our entire support system of friends, family, neighbors, church and work though an aggressive false narrative and smear campaign filled with outragious lies. Then they take away what means the most to us; they turned our children against us, even having them do their silver-bullet bidding.

However, abusive predators underestimate the strength and resolve of their victim prey. I have had to put on the Full Armor of God (truth, rightiousness, peace, faith, salvation, spirit) to protect myself and continue to be victorious, role-modeling unconditional love, honesty, positivity, forgiveness and goodness in the midths of evil.

I pray that both our son and daughter can survive this severe Child Abuse.

I pray that our children’s eyes open to the truth.

I pray that they are able to live another day without their lives being cut short by suicide, murder or some “unfortunate” accident, as I believe the alienator is working towards. There are many secret-agent alienating parents who I believe isolate the siblings from each other and want their own children silenced and even dead so that the truth of some deep, dark behavior, possibly sexually abusing their own children, does not get publically exposed. Many of these malevolent types also want to hide documented, revealed facts and have their divorce depositions sealed.

It took me until my 60’s to figure out that my own father alienated me from my now-late mother with severe, yet textbook-predictable tactics. As an Adult Child Survivor of extreme Parental Alienation, I was also isolated and pitted against my siblings. I understand this from both the perspective of a child and targeted parent.

I just want to help save our children from so many years of heartache and abuse.

I have tried for the past decade, with my books, speaking engagements and advocacy to bring awareness to the dangerous and twisted family dynamics caused by one psychopathic, disordered parent who undermines their ex. Alienators hate their ex more than they love their own children.

I love our children with all my heart.

I wish I could protect them from this harm.

To our Creator, please watch over, guide and save our adult son and daughter.

Amen.

**********

OK…IT’S AROUND HERE THAT I HAD SOME TECH-COMPUTER ISSUES AND SOME STATEMENTS, PHOTOS AND/OR SECTIONS COULD BE REPEATED. 

In this mother’s opinion, Derek has NEVER been suicidal, yet the apparent cause of his death is suicide by hanging. Was Derek’s mind altered by Narcissistic Abuse, gaslighting and substances? Yes. I also have believed for years that he experienced being sexually abused by someone close to him, as he has all the typical researched signs of someone who has endured this trauma and suppressed his experiences deep within his psyche. Actually, my worst fears about this came true. Derek recently, at the age of 32, found the strength to confide in me that he was sexually molested at least two times: once in childhood, and the other time around 8th grade/start of high school. When I asked him what I could do to support him, he just said that loving him is supporting him. He did not want to pursue any legal action and he was very adament that I not talk to any therapist, counselor or psychiatrist he had or is currently working with because he said his dad has coordinated all those meetings, pays for them and has regular conversations with them, so Derek didn’t feel the doctor’s kept confidentiality and he was scared. Derek said he was going to figure out a way to address what had happened to him.

Children’s creative art drawings can be very telling of the truth. I have saved scrapbooks and boxes of beautiful, loving artwork and positive poems written about and for me by our daughter as well. Hopefully she will learn about Parental Alienation through my 10 published books, realize the truth and when we reunite, we can pull out her creations to help confirm how solid our love was for 20 years! I love our daughter unconditionally and would welcome my beautiful Kiss-Girl back in my life in a heartbeat. I am concerned for her safety though, especially after realizing the impact that such abuse, trauma and extreme Parental Alienation had on her brother Derek. I cannot risk my legal freedom to reach out to her in any way, plus she is heavily aligned with her alienator and has too many gatekeepers. Our daughter’s cult-like brainwashing, Stockholm Syndrome, Black-and-White Thinking and Independent Thinker Phenomenon are very hard to break through.

When Derek was in elementary school he did create a drawing that practically mirrors the documented psychological research examples of a child expressing their experiences with sexual abuse through artwork (see the drawing of genitalia from a perpetrator and an X across the body, even though it seems to have been covered up.) Maybe someday the truth and the details of Derek’s sexual abuse will be revealed. Maybe one of Derek’s friends, neighbors or teammates might come forward with some information. Recently, Derek shared with me what I had long suspected: Derek told me that he was in fact sexually molested, he said two times. Once as a child by someone close to him, possibly family and the other around 8th grade/start of high school by someone associated with St. Annes. He told me that he did not want to pursue any legal action and asked specifically that I would not share this information with any therapist as he didn’t feel he could trust that what he said would be kept confidential, especially since his father has coordinated, paid for and regularly consults with these professionals. (I think that Derek knew that his dad was manipulating the doctors to adopt his narrative, discounting Derek’s version of events or issues.) I was horrified to only learn about these violations to our innocent son when he was 32 years old. I asked Derek how he would like me to support him. He said that I’ve always supported him by just being there and caring enough about him to keep trying to help him, even when he has pushed me away. Derek told me he would be focusing on a way to work through what had happened to him. Maybe his isolation from friends and his sister are so that discussions about this can’t happen and notes can’t be compared. The truth, however, in most cases, eventually finds its way out into the open.

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Sometimes when I replay things in my mind, the situation just doesn’t seem to add up for me. A lot of details surrounding Derek’s apparent suicide don’t make logical sense. Of course, as his mom who has always supported Derek and loved him unconditionally since they day I found out I was pregnant with him, and throughout his childhood and adulthood, I am grieving his loss on so many levels. Words just cannot convey the deep sorrow I have at his passing, and how he apparently chose to end his life. My heart breaks for our daughter, Derek’s sister as well. I know firsthand the pain of losing an estranged brother to suicide.

As a victim, survivor and advocate bringing awareness to Domestic Violence, Narcissistic Abuse, Intergenerational Family Trauma, Intimate Partner Violence and the absolute worse experience that any loving targeted dad or mom can experience, extreme Parental Alienation, which is like experiencing the death of your living child, I have endured significant betrayals and losses (home, money, assets, support system of family, friends -even my childhood “best friend” and our family’s babysitter- neighbors, church, work, health, etc) and continue to face ongoing legal battles as my obsessive abuser seems unable to let go and is intent on trying to destroy me any way he can (despite being engaged to our longtime next door neighbor, the mother of one of Derek’s teammates growing up.) What the ex fails to realize is that I no longer care, have fear or am affected by his shenanigans. I have done years of research and seeking out information to understand the characteristics of undiagnosed personality disordered individuals who create such discord and chaos within families, affecting everyone, but causing the most harm to the innocent children they weaponize in their war against their ex, who excaped because they knew too much and worse yet are on a healing journey and speaking the truth.

I have done years of shadow work. It is important for the victims, targeted individuals and survivors who find themselves dealing with the Intimate Partner Violence and Parental Alienation, to to do the self-reflection work to understand and take ownership for their role in the family/marital dynamics. To stop the Abuse Cycle, you must go back and analyze your own foundational family patterns, while investigating to connect the dots and find similarities. This may involve setting healthier boundaries by going low or no contact with friends and/or family, just for your own self-preservation and to stay true to your values and integrity. Actually, looking out for yourself by setting parameters of what you will and will no longer tolerate allows those in your life to remain in your life by their responses to you. Sadly, we often find that the love and concern we have for others, is not necessarity reciprocated. When we set up boundaries, we often learn that’s when their respect for us changes. It can come as a shock to realize that we have misjudged others and allowed ourselves to be involved with inauthentic and unbalanced relationships. It may involve setting different goals or stepping back to to take a good look at yourself, your behavior and your expectations. Are you insecure? Do you people-please or over-give, just to maintain connections. Do you allow others to mistreat or devalue you? Just as it’s important to analyze other people’s behavior and intentions, it is critical to look deep within yourself.

I choose to focus my energies on and am very grateful for positive life events, my successful and rewarding 35-year career as a special education teacher, with 12 years as a university graduate school adjunct professor, my passion for writing and success of my 10 award-winning and well-received books, the amazing outreach efforts of being featured in magazines and on podcast, and my relatively recent bLU Talks presentation (described as TEDx Talks meets Chicken Soup for the Soul) at Columbia University in New York City, my beautiful rainforest home and life on the Caribbean island, the amazing travel experiences I enjoy and that I now surround myself with likeminded people of honesty and integrity. I can feel good about myself because of my values of honesty, compassion, kindness, forgiveness and just being a good person. My biggest accomplishment that means the most to me, is that of being a mother, who loves both of her children unconditionally.

I escaped my abuser after 27 years of marriage. I wrongly thought we could part ways and still be able to respectfully co-parent our adult children. That was not to be. His relentless and constant efforts to bait and engage me, and his continued law fare just don’t affect me anymore. (yes, I am STILL having to defend myself in the 19th Circuit Lake County Illinois Family Court system with Kerry Foderaro, who continues to be obsessed with filing bad faith petitions and refuses to just move on in his life and simply follow a judge’s court order, even when it’s in his favor.) My healing has involved writing, and I’ve been supported by many experts and researchers who value and award my literary endeavors in my effort to articulate and come to terms with unthinkable trauma, at the same time say I provide a beacon of hope for those men and women who are also enduring similar challenges.

The kids and I had this long-running joke. Whenever we would see a seagull, I would tell them that it’s Bob the Seagull, and that he’s following us wherever we go, even around the world. Derek chose to get an arm tattoo of Bob.

I have done the research to understand those disturbed individuals with such malevolent personality disorders, and have done the deep inner shadow work to take ownership in my role and to understand my own foundational influences and patterns. I have never been about revenge or vindictiveness. That is not how my empathetic soul is wired. I am not a criminal, so it is very hard for me to think like one. I have had to learn to forgive others and myself, set healthy boundaries and even go “no contact” with those I care for and love deeply, just for my own self-preservation and to stay true to my values of honesty, integrity and goodness. I have had to put on the full armor of God (truth, righteousness, peace, faith, salvation, spirit) to protect myself and my inner peace.

Thank goodness for our first amendment guarantee and right to freedom of speech: a principle that supports the freedom of an individual or a community to articulate their opinions and ideas without fear of retaliation, censorship or legal sanction. I also have a notarized sworn lawful Affidavit of Fact. I ONLY SPEAK THE TRUTH. I do not defame, threaten, hate or communicate any intent to commit an act of violence against my perpetrator or anyone else. As a Domestic Abuse survivor and targeted mom I bring awareness and honestly relay my experiences with the goal of healing and helping others, and in this post-page, sharing the backstory of Derek’s challenges leading up to his apparent suicide, as I honor our beautiful son Derek’s life and legacy. 

If you have made it this far reading my memorial for our son Derek, with my very long-winded responses to concerns and questions I had regarding the statements made in Derek’s recently published obituary (by Derek’s father, who had no regard for or interest in Derek’s loving mom’s input), along with some clarifying backstory and detailed facts and timeline from the day he was driven to apparently kill himself, I thank you for taking the time and caring enough about our son to look at his pictures and read my take on this unfortunate tragedy. I believe that Derek’s tormented young soul has transitioned to a more positive realm where he can be at peace and no longer suffer from the abuse, trials and challenges he experienced on this earthly plane. I pray that he is surrounded with Divine love and know that he is the beautiful being God created him to be. 

Rest in Peace my Sweety-Ding. You will always be my oompy-doompy-of-loompy.

Your mamma has and will always love you to the moon and back!

Derek recently purchased this beautiful yellow bonsai tree to put on his coffee table in his apartment. Derek loved the beauty of trees, whether they were super-big or super-small. He recently took this photo from his Knolls-Nashville apartment:

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The below photo is the LAST photo that BOTH Derek and his sister Taylor took with me, their loving mom. I can still remember their arms around me and the love that we ALL shared during that moment. I will treasure this photo and those feelings forever.

Wherever my travels take me, our children are always in my thoughts, my heart and my prayers. May God bless them always.

Click on the link below to see and hear my prayer when I was at the White Temple in Thailand:

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To learn more about

PARENTAL ALIENATION

check out my 10th book…

…and my author contribution in the latest

bLU Talks Presents

April 2025

Anthology Book Release

BUSINESS, LIFE and the UNIVERSE

my chapter is entitled:

PARENTAL ALIENATION EXPLAINED

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I was in Jerusalem, Israel at the Kotel 1-1-2018 and made a plea for love to rise above evil Parental Alienation.

Thank you for visiting 

Marni’s virtual

Celebration of Life

&

 MEMORIAL

FOR SON DEREK

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Derek’s mom Marni

was completely excluded from any and all decisions, arrangements and services

by Derek’s dad Kerry

(UPDATE: on 3-5-2025, Ash Wednesday where Christians are reminded of our human mortality and the importance of reconciling with God, a friend contacted me and said she attended Kerry’s service at 11:30 am on 2-11-25 at St. Anne’s Chapel in Barrington, Illinois. The priest handed her Kerry’s program and prayer card, which she gave to me. She said that the service was only attended by less than 20 people. As Derek’s mom and a former parishioner and minister-lector at St. Anne Church, it is unbelievable that this service was held without me, Derek’s mom. I wasn’t informed, included or invited…and didn’t even know about Derek’s mass until March 5th, long after Kerry held his private service.)

(UPDATE: On 3-7-2025 when I spoke with Father Trout on the phone, he said that Kerry told St. Annes that I knew about the service but would not come in because it is far away from where I live in the Virgin Islands. This was a lie. I couldn’t even begin to imagine the other lies and false narrative that the St. Anne’s church officials were told about me by Derek’s dad.)

(yet another UPDATE: on 3-9-2025, just found out that even though my brother lives a few towns over from St. Annes, Kerry did not even inform or invite Derek’s Uncle and Aunt to his 2-11-2025 service, which means Kerry probably didn’t even let Derek’s grandparents know of the service, even though they are all mentioned in the obituary Kerry wrote. This is not just Marital-Parental Alienation, it is Grandparent Alienation and Family Alienation)

(4th UPDATE: on March 10, 2025, I had a long, very positive conversation with Mary Ellen, the Director of Care Ministries at St. Anne Church in Barrington, Illinois. She met with Kerry regarding planning Derek’s service and confirmed what Father Trout said to me a few days ago on Friday: that Kerry told her I would NOT be attending because I live far away. This was an outright lie, as I was not even aware there was a February 11th service until last week on March 5th. She apologized about the unfortunate situation. We discussed Derek’s isolation during his life (including from his sister, who has also been alienated from her mom for 11 years) and now Derek’s isolation in death as Kerry excluded friends, teammates, classmates, neighbors and even Derek’s maternal family from being informed, included or invited to pay their final respects. Hopefully our heartfelt and enlightening conversation will help another family in the future who face being purposely excluded from their loved one’s service.

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Originally, Rick and I planned that we were going to hold Derek’s memorial outside in the snow, under the trees. That would be a challenge in many ways. I closed my eyes and asked God to guide me as to where to set up the special mementos to honor Derek, from his soother shell and support turtle, to the cowboy hat, yellow bonsai tree and lime green iguana, all the way down to the mini guitar, British phonebooth and even his favorite cigar. Just then, a fellow skiier handed me a puzzle. The image on the puzzle was the exact view I was looking at from the corner windows of the ski lodge. I got my answer, so that is where we decided to honor Derek.

We played “On Eagle’s Wings” to start Derek’s memorial at 10:38 a.m.

(10:38 a.m. was the same time Derek was born on 1-5-1992…

…Rick was also born at that same time, only in the evening…

…our service ended at 11:11)

Click on the blue link to listen and watch:

“ON EAGLE’S WINGS”

https://youtu.be/MvpjxfWrjzY?si=jus3bdbhHsCG9wIy

(orange was my mom’s favorite color,

so Derek’s Granni Elizabeth’s scarf

was on the Alta Peruvian’s bronze EAGLE’S WINGS)

Click on the link below to watch and hear “Spirit in the Sky” from Derek’s memorial:

Click on the link below to watch and hear “I Can See Clearly Now” from Derek’s memorial: